This is not what I wanted to hear from my person.
In fact, there was a lot I wasn’t expecting to hear from my person today and boy howdy, was it affecting and effective.
She pointed some things out to me as I watched my toes curl and uncurl in the warm sand.
At least I was in a sunny place to hear the news.
We met at Trouble Coffee and Coconut Club and walked from 46th and Judah out to the beach.
Every once in a while I need to stop and remind myself how lucky I am that I get to live here, literally steps away from the ocean, from the sand, the sun, the surf.
It was beautiful.
I was surprised by the number of people out at the beach.
Which I shouldn’t be, when it’s nice, the city shows up.
I was rather expecting that it would be quiet, all folks hailing towards the great sport ball thing downtown.
That was not the case, however, there were lots of folks out at the beach and we took a moment to find the right spot, a bright vantage over the beach, the sun sparkling on the water, the surfers out past the break.
I had a moment, spoken out loud and quickly acknowledged as bullshit, of thinking, how come I’m not out there, in the surf, surfing?
I am just not good enough, strong enough, fast enough, I’m not doing enough.
I am not enough.
I am fucking pissed off.
I was surprised to have it named.
She named it, I recognized it, and yeah, there it is.
Lighting my face.
I’m fucking mad.
I had no fucking clue.
But once it was out of the bag, well, a lot more came out too.
“I noticed it the last time we met and I think it’s been going on for a while now,” she said.
I mean I know I have been feeling uncomfortable and I know I push myself really hard.
“You need to lighten up,” she said.
“It’s about happy, joyous, and free, you can’t bludgeon yourself into joy.”
“Listen, these are good tears, these are not like the crying you were doing when we first started working together,” she added.
This is very true.
I was in a painful spot then and this is more an uncomfortable place.
And I forget how I can get used to being uncomfortable, there’s a kind of, sick, yes, but known, comfort in it.
Except that I cannot sustain it like I used to and I don’t enjoy it and oh yeah.
It doesn’t fucking work.
We did some reading.
And man, I mean, come on, I have read this before, but it hit me so squarely, so right on target, like on a completely different level, I was blown wide open.
And yes, the woo woo, sunshine God shone down on me and I felt lifted.
My eyes raised and I watched a surfer catch a bomb and ride through a bright tunnel of water, the curve never quite catching up to him, it fell and he drifted over the top and into the valley, a trough of water, only to re-emerge and float over the next wave behind it.
It was a beautiful moment.
A pod of surfers out in the bright water.
The sun on my face.
My heart open.
My brain balking right and left at the suggestions I was hearing.
“You’re going to balk,” she said, “I know it, but I’m going to suggest it anyway.”
I thought, I’m not going to balk.
I balked hard.
I’m still sort of balking.
But I want to.
I don’t want to take the suggestion and the thing is, it’s a great suggestion and one that has been nibbling away at me for a while now, one that I know in my heart I need to do.
I need to.
It’s been suggested to me by my physical therapist, my therapist, my psychiatrist, my primary care doctor.
I could increase the list.
But basically what was suggested, what I know I should be doing, because what I am doing now is not quite cutting it, I need to exercise.
I so don’t even want to write that.
“You need to get some of the anger out,” she said, “get into your body, you push yourself so hard and you’re always thinking and you’re in your brain, you need to get into your body.”
This suggestion had been handed down from another woman, in my lineage, who had noted my antsy, angsty self a few weeks ago and she passed it along to my person, who passed it on to me, up in the dunes, down by the beach, girl get your exercise on.
I guess so.
“Swimming, dancing, yoga, take a class, three times a week, you’ve got two weeks to explore it and get back to me, and yes, I know you’re busy, but this is going to be really helpful for you,” she said and then added, “I was in the same place at the same time as you and it saved my ass.”
I know she’s right.
My shrink and my therapist had suggested it to me as a natural way to combat the depression and anxiety that I was suffering from, suffer from if I’m not careful about my diet and exercise.
I do ride my bicycle.
But it’s not the same and I have known it’s not the same for a while now.
I’m not getting enough of it, it’s too easy, it’s infrequent, if ever, that I’m breaking a sweat or working, I’m just traveling, here to there, and often times, in my head, rather than in the present moment.
“That wall your friend was talking about, that will come down too,” she added.
That would be nice.
I do want that wall to come down.
I do want to be approachable.
And I do want to lighten up.
I finished the reading with her, took my leave and met another lady at my house.
I shared what was happening and then made some suggestions, booking time down the road for our next meeting.
Lunch out side.
And a trip to the Haight where I bought some shoes.
Yes, I did.
And I played pinball at Free Gold Watch.
And went to the Citrus Club for dinner–boiled edamame with sea salt, jasmine tea, and hot and sour shrimp soup with tofu instead of noodles.
So very good.
I then scooted up to Noe Valley and saw some folks I haven’t seen in a while.
I checked the fuck in.
I got accountable.
I shared my discomfort, in a general way, and I shared my solution.
And after I gave my number out to a few women I met.
It was a good day.
Even when the jig is up.
And it definitely is.
I am ok.
I am loved.
And I definitely took a giant step towards lightening up.
It’s nice to see you again.
Let’s get reacquainted.
Let’s get sweaty.