At my house.
Not at Ridgemont High.
Not also the fast times you are probably thinking.
In approximately half an hour I will be having my last snack of the day and then there will be no more food until probably 3:30/4p.m. tomorrow.
I am having to fast.
I do not want to fast.
I do not like to fast.
I am not one of those ladies (or gentleman, I have known a few guys who will) who do that whole cayenne, maple syrup, lemon juice Master Cleanse thingamabobs.
I like my food.
I am not a undereater.
Never have been.
Probably never will be.
Although there are times I wish I could be, which is not healthy, and is just fantasy, but there it is.
I shared tonight that one of my first fantasies when I was a kid was not a sexual fantasy.
It was a fantasy about going to the grocery store and eating whatever I wanted.
I mean not just being in the grocery store, but being alone in the grocery store, aisle after wonderful aisle, all to myself.
I would sleep there and eat there and I would fall asleep at night dreaming about what aisle I would start in and how long it would last.
Most of the time I never made it past the cereal box aisle.
Oh cereal in a box, how do I love thee, let me count the ways.
Corn Flakes, but only for a minute, they lose their crunch too fast.
Corn Bran, Quaker Corn Bran Squares, don’t know why, but love them.
Raisin Bran Crunch.
And I am sure I am forgetting a bunch of them.
I haven’t eaten box cereal in such a long time.
And I really don’t hanker for it.
I don’t fantasize about supermarket aisles or candy aisles or beer and wine aisles, either.
I stick to the outside aisles of the store if I’m at a SafeWay, even at Whole Foods–although they have become sneaky with their placement of the hot tables and prepared foods daunting you near the check out lines.
There is a sound psychological reason for the fantasy, scarcity and poverty.
We just didn’t have the much money growing up and my mom comes from a family that also went through the Depression.
My grandparents had a huge garden at their home in Lodi, Wisconsin.
And I remember with much fondness all the wonderful things that grew there.
I miss that garden a lot.
And although my grandparents are many years gone now, I still have this unwavering belief in the existence of that garden.
It is still there and I can go to it some day when I go home for a visit.
Not that I see myself in Southern Wisconsin any time soon.
There is not much left for me there.
Some memories, and a few acquaintances, but my best friend lives in Northern Wisconsin just across the river from the Twin Cities in Minneapolis.
Should I head back to the land of all things dairy, it would be to go up North, not to Southern or Central Wisconsin.
My family subsisted often times on food stamps, welfare, school lunch assistance programs.
Government cheese anyone?
We never had sugared cereals, it was a huge deal.
Popcorn was a big treat.
Or my mom might make a cake or when I was older I might bake a pie, there was ice cream when there was a special occasion-Mitchell’s Frozen Custard if it was a really big deal.
I remember though, my mom would eat bags of Lays Potato Chips and drink bottles of Mountain Dew like it was water.
I never really liked Mountain Dew, but I could and would drink it when it was offered, mostly because I liked peeling the label of it and making weird origami like designs in the bottle with the paper shreds, which I would stuff back inside the empty.
I fantasized about food because there wasn’t enough.
I also fantasized about food because I am a compulsive eater and that was a way for me to check out.
I could make six pieces of cinnamon toast and eat them all.
If given the chance I would over eat and I never really understood why.
With time and patience and love and recovery, I don’t.
That freaks me out.
Not having food when I need it.
I just did a big bonk the other day, Tuesday, when I ran around all day long with the boys and had dinner one hour later than I typically do.
The good news.
It will only be half the day.
I will skip my breakfast and morning snack.
No oatmeal with an apple and unsweetened vanilla almond milk for me tomorrow morning, no hard-boiled egg.
I will have coffee though.
I can do coffee in the morning.
No low-fat string cheese at 10:30 a.m.
No big green kale and spinach salad.
I had the best salads the last two days.
Yesterday–kale, spinach, raw almonds, strawberries, cauliflower, carrot, brown mushrooms, olive oil, white balsamic vinegar–so good.
Today–kale, spinach, Roma tomato, swiss cheese, chopped turkey, carrot, olive oil, white balsamic vinegar.
Both days a big Aztec Fuji apple from BiRite sliced up and dredged in cinnamon, nutmeg, pumpkin pie spice, and sea salt.
The days have been warm and sunny, hell I even rode my bicycle home with out my sweatshirt on, a true rarity.
Grateful it was warm.
I forgot my sweatshirt at work.
It could have been a miserable ride home.
I am so glad I have recovery around my food, and well, so many other things as well.
And although I am nervous about going without, it’s not because I can’t afford to eat well, it’s a doctor’s request to do a blood test (one I’ve been putting off for over a year because I didn’t want to do the fast) and I will survive.
I will also take myself out for a nice meal after.
Mexican beans and rice with chicken chunks at Herbivore with a mixed green salad.
Then off to the Inner Sunset where the real treat will be getting done with work early to get my nails done and hit up some fellows I don’t get to see normally on a Friday.
And it will be the weekend right after that.
Fast times indeed.
The week it does go by.
So too shall the fasting.
For like so many things.
This too shall pass.