The tears pricked my eyes as I heard the slow Texas drawl of the man standing in front of the room.
“So live your life now, today, go, do it, what ever it is that you want to do, do it now, don’t wait.”
The tears slid down my face and puddled in my cleavage.
Fortunately I have a bit of cleavage, it can hold a few tears.
It was not the only time today that I shed tears, but it was the most profound and poignant share I heard today. There were many great and marvelous things I heard today, miracles, and sweetness, and grace.
So much grace.
I happened upon the man with the Southwestern accent completely on accident and I was happy to sit and listen for his entire story.
To bear witness to another person’s life, to grow from their experience, to enrich my own and to understand completely that the things I have done, the risks taken, even when I fell completely flat on my face, were all so worth it.
He spoke of wanting to live in New York, so he and his wife just up and sold all there things and moved to New York for six months.
And he spoke of service and showing up and what that looks like.
It is such a small thing, this showing up, to the page, to the screen, to my words, to my experience, to my life, to show up, be present and accounted for, such a gift.
I don’t always like who I am or what I see, but I am no fool, I see the value of my worth, though I deign to accept much by way of accolades.
“You so, so, so deserve this,” she said to me tonight as we sat in the Georgia Dome counting down the minutes and waving at folks and sitting in awe of the vast number of people present.
She was talking about my graduate school program and my scholarships, my friend has just finished her 3,000 hours required for her MFT liscence and passed all her tests and went to the same school as I am going to for my graduate degree.
She admitted to me that she had wondered what I was going to do and how I was going to handle the financial burden and whether it was the best choice for me.
She and others.
Others who I love and admire and I knew the financial burden going in, but there, underneath it all, was a still quiet, sure voice, that said, do it anyway, the money will come.
And it has.
And that scares me, but also shows me that I am on the right track, walking through the wide open door and walking towards that sunlight I know so well which fills my spirit and leads me forward.
It’s bright walking into this light and I cannot see what it holds, everything is backlit and the screen is dark, I can only see vague outlines, but I can feel the warmth and I know that I am going in the right direction.
I am living my life unafraid, well, mostly unafraid.
I do a lot of acting as if.
Act as if your student loan will get paid off from your undergrad degree.
Act as if you will be able to pay for graduate school tuition.
Act as if you will be able to afford living in San Francisco while going to graduate school.
I have faith.
In more and more areas of my life, I have faith.
It astounds me and as I hugged my dear, dear, sweet friend I knew that she was right, I do deserve these things, I do deserve abundance and joy and prosperity, and love.
I also know that I have to play it forward, I have to be of service, I have to continue to grow and change.
Because there really is no dress rehearsal, there is only this day, only this life, only this moment.
I got to talk to a friend tonight and share how much I wished he was here, even when I have thousands of people around me I can get lonely, though it was good to have some alone time today, some quiet time just for myself.
How grateful I am to have my own hotel room.
When this thing goes to Detroit I am booking my own room again, unless I am sharing it with a partner, I want to have my own space, it has been saving my butt.
I slept in today and when I did wake up it was raining, big thunderstorm, flashes of lighting, rain pelting the windows.
It felt so nice to lie in bed and listen to the rain.
I fell back asleep and let myself get the rest my body needed.
Then a nice bit of time sitting and being still and taking a knee and doing that thing and writing, doing the things that anchor me to my day, so that I can go out and experience my life.
This has been quite the experience and I am so grateful to have had it and to have another day of it.
Though, I will be playing hooky a little tomorrow and heading into another part of Atlanta.
I need to get out of the downtown area and get some fresh fruit for myself and wander around a little on my own, do my own exploring and have my own little adventure, maybe go meander around an art gallery, and hit a farmers market. I looked up a few possibilities and I want to do that for a couple of hours before going back into the fray.
A wonderful, marvelous fray, no doubt of that at all, but a fray nonetheless.
I am glad that I can see that I live my life and take myself places and let myself explore things just a little off the beaten path.
I found a wonderful shop today in my neighborhood and they helped me take care of my humidity hair, homemade pomade with fresh lemons in it, my hair looks amazing and I smell like lemon merengue pie.
I bought a tiny jar of it and a pretty ring as a souvenir of my trip.
A little bauble, but sweet, and it matched my pants–I wore my safety orange cords and took advantage of the warm weather to wear platform sandals all day.
I had a great little conversation with the ladies there and got a great tip on a BBQ joint in the neighborhood and had an amazing lunch, yes by myself, dining alone, but smiling, enjoying the view, enjoying the continual adventure of my life.
More adventures to follow tomorrow.
More adventures every day.
I got a second chance at my life.
I get to live.
And I am going to squeeze as much from this life as I can.
Do as much as I can.
Be as present as I can.
It’s the least I can do.
Considering the gifts I have been given.
So many gifts.