I just get by.
So the thinking goes.
I was a little off today, a little not quite myself, a little quiet, a little introspective.
This is not a problem.
It’s also not something that I care for very much, thinking about myself usually just breeds misery.
The day was just a day, I tell myself, sure, it didn’t exactly go my way, but I have no control over that.
Frankly I was just grateful it didn’t rain so that I could ride my scooter to work.
Mondays and Wednesday’s I’m up at the top of Eureka Street in Noe Valley and it’s no small climb, it’s not a good place to get to via public transportation, nor would it be an easy ride on my bicycle.
So not having rain today, grateful.
Tomorrow is another story.
Rain, rain, rain.
I’ll probably take MUNI into work on Thursday and Friday and to see my person in the Inner Sunset on Saturday.
I don’t have plans.
I don’t have Halloween plans.
I don’t have a date.
I don’t have anything.
I guess I have homework, there is always that.
What with the rain I suppose I could get a lot of reading done.
I had hopes to do some reading today at work, but that definitely did not happen.
Kiddo out sick from school.
So, although I had a fat baby nap, I didn’t have time away from my charges to actually sit and do any homework.
Despite having brought it in with me.
I never touched it.
I did play a lot of Go Fish.
I did hang out and read him Harry Potter.
I did dance party with the little girl and her middle brother when he got home from school.
I made homemade pizza for dinner.
I did, actually, have a really nice day with them, it just wasn’t the day I had planned.
Story of my life.
And I can’t gripe too much, I actually did some of the reading before I went into work today.
I got up and did a lot of writing.
I read a bit too and that felt good to be doing it, though it wasn’t as much as I wanted, anything is better than nothing and it’s a kind of steady progress which will get me there.
I felt a little lonely today.
There is that.
I know that I am not alone and that helps.
Even when I am by myself, I am not alone.
I also had a moment of free-floating dread that happens about this time of year and I always forget about it until it’s happening and then it hits me and I’m like, oh yeah, this time of year was the time when I started my slide to the bottom, to my bottom.
It’s a kind of body memory.
I had an excruciating bottom and it began at Halloween and lasted until the first weekend of January.
It was devastating and all the holidays have their special marker of horror for me.
Halloween because I had thought I’d escaped my disease, or it had escaped me, my dealer had gotten arrested and for a month was MIA and I thought to myself when it happened, good, this is exactly what I need.
The goose hung high.
I was literally the proverbial boy whistling in the dark.
I had plans that Halloween to hang out with friends and have a late dinner at Bruno’s Super Club on Mission Street.
I was a flapper.
I had a pretty awesome outfit.
A beautiful grey cloche hat with a black ribbon, I had very short hair at the time, slicked back with one kiss curl on my forehead, buckle shoe Mary Jane’s, fish net stockings, a short sassy black chiffon dress, a strand of baubles, a fake beauty mark high on my right cheek, and a long cigarette holder for my cigarettes.
I got a lot of compliments on my outfit.
I was pleased.
I remember I was just having my first or second cocktail of the night and we had just finished ordering dinner.
I was going to get the sliders.
I got a phone call instead.
I hopped up to take it and headed outside for a cigarette.
It was my dealer.
He was out and how much did I want?
I hemmed and hawed and said two.
Two grams of cocaine that is.
I didn’t think about it, I didn’t think, wait, what, you weren’t going to do this anymore, I just spit out a number and then said were I was.
I went back inside, ordered another cocktail, sat down and waited for my dinner to come, which I never touched, as my dealer called just as my plate was being set down in front of me.
I hopped back up, said I’d be right back and dashed outside.
He was idling at the corner in a nondescript grey Saturn sedan.
I hopped in, handed him $100 and he handed me two grams of blow and said, I haven’t had time to cut it.
It was in brick.
And I managed to fall right back down the fucking rabbit hole.
I went straight to the bathroom and chopped up a couple of lines.
They were too rocky, too big, but I was too excited and couldn’t wait to break it down proper.
Dinner sat and got cold.
I drank another cocktail.
Our friend got done with his shift and a crew of us headed out to a Halloween party.
I have no clue.
I do remember being the center of attention at one point on the back stairway having a game of dozens with the host and smoking cigarettes.
I remember a lot of trips to the bathroom to break up the cocaine so that I could actually snort it.
I remember calling my dealer the next day.
And the next.
You get the idea.
Hello late October, hello Halloween with all your scary and tricks and treats.
I’m not much into it anymore, though a girl does like to dress up.
I don’t like the feeling of expectation and the need to party that seems to overtake even most normal folks.
The dread, once it was named, eased off my body and I went up to see some fellows and get right with God and I left feeling reconnected and grateful for the gentle reminder of how fucking bad it was.
I never want to go there again.
Thank God for this life.
The luckiest girl in the world.