Humility, Perspective, 100 lbs Down


It has been a day.  Can I just say that?  Whew.  First off, it’s official, I am 100 lbs less than my highest weight.  I still have 12 lbs to go before I hit my goal weight, but what’s a few lbs give or take 100.  It’s like I lost an Olsen twin.  I have gone from a size 26/28 to a size 10.  Pretty fucking crazy.

But with some loss has come a gain in humility.  As I have had a few health scares that I have not wanted to talk about as I was losing the weight.  Because, god damn it, it’s been working.  And I don’t want to fuck it up, as though I have some ultimate control.  I gave up control a while ago and surrendered, went over to the winning side so to speak.  If I’m talking in circles, see me in person and I’ll be more specific.  Otherwise, be assured that I did not do it on my own, but had a lot of help from a lot of people.

And with that humility has come a modicum of self-care.  Enough so that when I went to see my doctor last week over the cold I was developing I also breathed through the fear of being told I was going to have to change-up my food plan, and fessed up that all was not as well in my world as I was letting on.  So, the simple, rest, hydrate, eat chicken soup thing also had a blood test thrown in.

One in which I was diagnosed with anemia.  For which I started taking an iron supplement and thought, whew, cool, that’s that.  Back to my routine, no change in diet, yippee!  Bring on, or off, those last 12 lbs.

Then I talked to my doctor today.  You know when your doctor calls and leaves an ambiguous message on your voicemail that something is wrong.  Or at least that is what I have come to learn from watching television.  I have never actually had that phone call before.  I got the ambiguous message two days ago and have tried to get a hold of my doctor.  To no avail.  And then I got the ambiguous e-mail asking if I had any of the following symptoms, yada, yada, yada.

I answered the question and then cut to the chase and said, is there cause for concern?

Apparently so.  And you had to go and use the C-word didn’t you.  Thanks.  Made my day.  Could be an ulcer, except I don’t have any signs of stomach distress.  Or could be colon cancer.  The anemia is apparently indicative of internal bleeding.  Sexy.  Basically, a sign that there is something else wrong.  Sort of like my body’s canary in a coal mine.

In a matter of seconds I was bewailing the loss of my hair to chemotherapy.  And damn it, I have been trying to grow it out.  On the up side it’s been so short for the last year and a half it wouldn’t be too much of a stress.  And head scarves can be fabulous, right?  And since I’ve lost a lot of weight, maybe I’ll come across as Sinead O’Connor like instead of Roseanne Barr like sans hair.

Cass said knock it off and get present and she would be there with me through the next step in front of me.  Basically an endoscopy and yes, say it with me, a colonoscopy.  Which I get to get put under for.  I haven’t been put under since I had my wisdom teeth pulled, and only once prior to that.  I’m not looking forward to that.  But I’m not going to be alone.

And I’m future tripping.  I’m not a doctor.  I don’t know.  All I do know is that I don’t have any answers and I’m scared.

No, that’s not true, I do know this,  have friends, I have tools, I have a plan for living that works in rough going.  And other people walk through this on their own.  I don’t have to.  All I have to do is take the next action in front of me, a big, huge, iron horse pill, and prep lunch for tomorrow.

Maybe liver wrapped in spinach sautéed with beet reduction in a cast iron skillet.

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