Is what I’m not going to do.  I definitely went there.  It’s cancer, it’s fibroids, I’m sterile, I’m dying, I’m pre-menopausal, increase the list.  Well, frankly, hate to break this to you, but yes, I going to die.  Duh.  But I feel fine.  Ok, I’m still having dizzy spells, but not as bad, the iron supplements seem to be helping.  And yes, my energy could be higher.  But I work with two toddlers, ten hours a day, five days a week, and I bike commute, and I live on top of a big hill.  You’d be tired too.

But over all, I actually feel fine.  I could revel in some anxiety or I could just suit up, show the fuck up, and do what’s next in front of me.  Like browse through the guide to Austin I just got in the mail!  That’s right, I’ll be in Austin this very time next week.  Hopefully in a sundress.  Maybe lounging by a pool.  For sure kicking it with Lizz, who has informed me that she has scored me a bike for my visit, so I’ll be able to tool around.

And I hear Austin’s flat, so tooling around should be really chill and fun.  I’m booking my hotel tomorrow.  I plan on staying at the Austin Motel on 6th Street.  Down in the heart of the music scene.  I plan on sitting in cafes, vintage boot shopping, going swimming, sleeping in, and doing the deal in a new town.

Very excited.  And I’ll be damned if I let my little vacation be ruined by some tests that I get to undergo in two weeks.  And get is the operative word.  How lucky am I to have health insurance?  Very.  Let me repeat, very, very, very, very.  Thank you jesus.  With out which I would not know I’m anemic, what not know that something else might be wrong, would just go around like a jack ass not letting on to people I have dizzy spells, I would probably pretend that everything is alright.

I came very close two times in the past year to cancelling my insurance.  And both times a little voice in my gut said, hold off.  Wait.  Boy howdy, am I glad I did.  The first time was a few months before I did the AIDS ride last June.  But that, even to me, seemed idiotic, don’t go on a 500 mile plus bike ride along the California One without insurance.  The second time was more recently when my insurance premiums went up.

I thought, man, I could use that extra money.  But really, I was just in fear that I would not be able to afford it.  And I made the decision to believe that I would.  And so far, I have and it’s been fine.  Obviously, if I can afford to take a quick little jaunt down to Austin and see a friend I haven’t seen in a while.

This feels like that kind of year, catching up with old friends I haven’t seen in a while.  Stephanie in January, Lizz this month, K.C. Wentz, and Co. come July.  Then there’s Burning Man at the end of August, and somewhere in there I want to go out to Hallowell and catch up with Wendy and Fred.  Plus, there’s Shannon and Alex’s wedding in September.  Before you know it the year will be over and I’ll be looking back fondly.

And I will be grateful that I did not make recent medical weirdness into some over drawn out anxiety fest.  Just for right now I choose to believe I am perfectly taken care of and exactly where I’m supposed to be.

Pass the pamphlet to Austin please.

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2 Responses to “Catastrophize”

  1. Shannon Says:

    Dudette… my dearest fiance needs to understand your sarcasm better. He just grabbed me exclaiming “Carmen’s got cancer!?” I have a little mini heart attack as I look over. He flashes me your blog of which I immediately see “Catastrophize”.

    Oh I was ready to hit him. He didn’t understand why I became so quickly annoyed and calm at the same time…

  2. Shannon Says:

    Oh, and when you do need someone to hang out with pre-or-post colonoscopy, you know where to find me, your friendly neighborhood nurse. I can walk you through the entire GoLytely process. 🙂

    And then they’re going to find some little polyp or something… and if they do find something the C-word can be used for, we’ll take care of it then!

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