Walking Through The Open Door

by

Today at the park I watched in complete amazement as K. illustrated to me exactly how my life is.  We had  been on a long stroll through the lower part of Potrero Hill and headed to Jackson Rec Center.  The playground was swamped, which is what happens when the weather in San Francisco gets nice.

Hell, I was sweating pushing the stroller today!  And I got a sunburn on, where you ask, the back of my neck!  Ha.  I am a redneck from Wisconsin, how did you guess?

I was so preoccupied with keeping the girls in sun hats and sunscreen that I forgot about me.  Well, not entirely, my new tattoo was completely slathered in sunblock, I just forgot to put some on my neck.

The girls and I wandered around the baseball fields instead of going directly to the playground.  Too many kids, too many big kids, too many nannies and moms and dads and a couple of the schools and local nursery schools seemed to be utilizing the playgrounds.  It would have just been overwhelming for all of us.  So, we just ran around in the grass and picked flowers and sang and blew bubbles.

Yeah, you heard me, my job sucks.

Then, when the playgrounds cleared out and folks headed back to their perspective schools, homes, and agendas, I slipped the girls over to the play ground.  I figured I could get in a few minutes with them on the swings as they love them so much.  As the girls realized that we were going over to the play ground they began crowing and jumping (well, not really jumping, that haven’t achieved air yet, but S. is awful close, she’ll try so hard that she topples over, it is hysterical to watch and I have to be careful to not laugh out loud at her strenuous efforts to get air) and waving their arms.

I did not have them in the stroller, as we had been in the fields, so they both ran willy nilly to the play area.  I held open the gate, but K. in her total haste to get to the swings as fast as she could, swerved around me and the stroller, by passing the gate, that was open, that S. slipped right through and headed to the sand box, to the to other side of me and pressed her little face to the bars and howled at not being able to get to the swings.

I smiled and said, “hey monkey, over here.”  I was standing there waving to the open gate and she was crying so loudly, so dismayed, so distressed that she was being with held from the swing set that she did not hear me.  Or she ignored me, regardless, the picture is this–one 18 1/2 month old little girl wailing at the top of her lungs to get what she wants not realizing that the door is wide open.  She wants it her way and her way is the right way.

Jesus, fuck.  That’s me.  That’s totally me.  I have the emotional stability of an 18 1/2 month old child.

Maybe a little older.  As I continue to make strides in my relationship with my relationship to my mother.  Err, to myself.

Ha.

I deleted mom’s friends from my FaceBook.  I did not call back today.  I got a really beautiful response from John Ater regarding the letter that I am going to write to my mom.

I want to set a boundary by dropping a house on her head.  I don’t have to do that.  I also don’t have to do anything.  Sometimes no response is the response.

I went to see my peeps tonight after work and guess who called.  Come on, guess, how did you know?

Now, here comes the progress.  I did not answer, it went to voice mail.  And I did not listen to the voice mail immediately.  I talked to John instead.  I asked him for suggestions.  I said, I think I need to write a letter versus writing an e-mail.  And he told me that I did not have to do anything tonight.  I did not have to return her call, I did not have to go home and madly scribble out the response that he helped me come up with.  I could just, I dunno, take care of myself.

I could walk through the open door.

I got on my bike.  Rode home.  I did not swear at anyone, I felt serene and peaceful.  I unlocked the door to my apartment and took care of my daily needs.  I got the mail, took out the trash and compost, took care of the cats, made my lunch and dinner up for tomorrow (I have been so into all the fresh summer veggies–I made a great big brown rice salad with chopped vegetables–heirloom tomatoes, zucchini, baby cucumbers, crimini mushrooms, broccoli, cauliflower, asparagus, cold cooked shrimp, smoke seitan, ginger and soy sauce.  Drool), took a shower and put on my pjs.

I made myself a snack and a cup of tea.  And oh looky Lou, guess who is calling right now.  I am not fucking joking.

Hi mom.  I won’t becoming to the phone, I am walking through the door.  The door that has been beckoning to me for years that I have failed to notice.

It’s time I let go of the bars and walk through the gate.  The swings need me more than you do right now.

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