You Are So Skinny!

by

Say it again!

Well, I was tempted to ask her to say it again, but it was one of the mom’s at work, probably not the person I need to go digging for compliments from.  I know I have been continuing to lose weight, but I haven’t thought much about it until she said that.  The correct response was to say, “thank you,” and leave it at that.  However, I did reflect on what her comment brought to mind.

Namely, that yes, I have lost a lot of weight when it comes right down to it.  105 lbs to date from my heaviest.  That is just craziness.  The amazing thing is that I am still the same person.  I am the same person inside.  Now I wear a size 8-10 instead of a size 26-28.  The goal is size 6.  But I am so not stressed.  Today I love my body.

I forget how much loathing I had for myself.  Oh, I still am tempted to go down that path, but it really doesn’t do much for me anymore, frankly, it’s a bit self-indulgent and really boring.

I had noticed it myself, the weight loss, this past Saturday in L.A.  Not because I was comparing and despairing as I used to do.  But because I was wearing tights and heels and a shortish black dress and I was checking out my costume before getting on stage at the theater for our last-minute tightening up of the play.

I really had a moment where I went, who is that skinny chick?

Holy shit, that’s me.

Ha.

The weight loss has not brought me a new boyfriend.  Or fame and fortune.  It has brought about more work in unexpected areas.  Like I notice how little space there is between me and another when we hug.  You are right fucking there.

Oh, look at that, I guess I have had some intimacy issues, huh?

Yeppers.

So, I have gotten to work on that.  Which basically boils down to constantly reassuring myself that I am lovable and forgivable and safe and ok.  That “people” are not out to get me and that it is ok to be vulnerable.  I do not need that buffer of fat so much as I used to.  I am still getting adjusted to it being gone, but more and more I am completely ok without its presence.

Other areas of work–“I feel fat”.  “Fat” is not a feeling.  So, let’s get underneath that and see what is really going on.

OH.  I feel unlovable and that you will abandon me.

Excellent.

Next area of neurosis please.

If only I lost some weight I would have a boyfriend.  Insert violin playing softly here between thumb and forefinger.

Hmmmm, weight lost, yet no boyfriend.

Aha!  My weight has nothing to do with whether or not some one is interested in me.

Not exactly true.  I have dated men who like hefty girls.  I once went out on a date with a guy that it turned out was into watching women eat.  I had no idea prior to the date.  And I did not order nearly enough to satiate his fetish.  You want me to eat more?  But I am full.  No really, I don’t care if you’ll pay for it, the food that is.

Ew.  Next date please.

And I am sure there have been some gentlemen who may have thought, yeah she’s good-looking, but drop a few before I’ll hit that.

But ultimately, I really do believe that the weight really is not a good indicator of whether or not one is in a partnership.  Now, it can however, be used as a measure of mental health and emotional as well as spiritual health.  If a person is obviously taking care of themselves and not practising slothful habits, then that is indicative of a person that has some self-love and care for themselves and may be some one more attractive to date.

I mean I have been in longer term relationships at much heavier than this.  Albeit, those relationships where not healthy in the least.  And I am fairly certain that one of them in particular, the five-year one, I was absolutely eating away my sorrows.  That was when I was at my heaviest, right after I got out of that relationship.  I think that was a really good indicator of unhappiness.

And today, well today, I am pretty god damn happy.  Interestingly enough I am not crushed out on anyone but myself–I’m dressing for myself and doing my makeup for myself and being pretty for myself because it feels good and it’s hella fun.  And after telling the 22-year-old I was a bit smitten with him, it passed.  So as of this moment I don’t have an eye on anyone.  I’m just in the business of taking the next step toward whatever will take care of me today.

And getting my ducks in a row to go back to Madison, and then to Windsor, for my 20th High School Class Reunion.  And I believe I made the executive decision today that I don’t need anything fancy to wear and I don’t have to buy anything sexy or figure conforming to prove that I am at a good place in my life.

I think my smile speaks for that  and I have a great, big, fat, happy smile on my face.

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