Emotional Hang Over


Well, not quite, but a little.  I had just a rather mundane day today.  After all the excitement of the tour at Aveda and the serendipity of hanging out with Jackie and the joy of spreading it around, today was sort of difficult to get into.

I had moments of being sucked back into the fear as I tried to access my FAFSA from my phone.  I got an e-mail that I my request had been processed. Of course, I was thinking it was an award amount and it wasn’t.  I spent a lot of today wondering vaguely what I was going to get, would it be enough, and how was I going to pay for it all.

Then I would catch myself thinking and just breathe in deeply and let it go and focus on what was in front of me–K. it was just her and I today.  S. was out with a cold.  I don’t think she’s actually sick and it sounded like neither did her parents, but K’s mom was very adamant about her not coming in if there was any suspicion of illness.

This woman is going to have a rude awakening when she puts her daughter in day care.

She asked me to not take K. out anywhere.


Did you see how nice it was today?  Do you see the sunshine?  Please, it has been the foggiest ever, ever.  Just let me out of the box, lady.  Fortunately I was given permission to walk and take her outside. I took her on two walks.  One for two hours and another in the late afternoon after nap time for another hour.  I got me some sunshine!

Pausing to be grateful for three hours in which I got to be outside today while at work.  I know a lot of people that probably did not get that much paid time at work to be outside.

Thank you jesus.

But no parks.

What ever.

Six more weeks of this, then I am out.  I am still in the hallway, still not quite seeing how it is all going to work out and the realization hit–Carmen, get comfortable with being uncomfortable.  I got a hit of relief when I realized I was on the path, doing school, that the way was laid and my feet were moving down it.

Then it curved and I could not see where it was going and I got nervous.  I suppose that will just continue to happen.  When I was calculating my rent costs for the next couple of months and seeing how many weeks were in September and October and how much I had coming in.  I began to feel a bit frantic; I just stopped.  Closed my eyes.  Paused.  Breathed.

My rent is paid right now.

My rent is paid right now.

There is nothing wrong.  There is nothing I need to fix.  All my bills are paid.  I don’t have any un-opened mail staring me in the face.  I have $500 in savings.

That ain’t much, but it is something.  I have food in my belly.  So do the cats.  I can buy groceries.  I have $400 in checking.  The next two pay checks will cover October rent and there will be a little left over.

School will happen with or without me getting anxiety over it.  In fact, the anxiety does me little good, except to make my brow furrow, and really, that’s just not necessary–no need to look my age now!

Thank you God, I have more than enough money.

I could also just be feeling a little off kilter still from staying up until 5a.m. Saturday night!  Although, I let myself be vulnerable, at least it felt like I was being vulnerable, and I took my quilt, a pillow, a Vogue, a cup of tea and went to Huntington Square Park yesterday late afternoon and actually fell asleep in the sunshine.  It was glorious. I napped in the grass.

I think I have been talking about taking a pillow and the quilt and a cup of tea to the park for aeons.  I have lived in this neighborhood now for two years, come October 15th, and it took me that long to do such a small little indulgence.  I will be repeating and it will not be two years in the making.

Other financial insecurity crapola–I told Wendy I will go to Hallowell for Christmas and I told my Uncle Boy that I will go to San Diego for Thankgsiving.  Of course, my brain is telling me I won’t have enough to do so.

But I am going to believe that I am.  In fact, after my rent is paid for October I will be purchasing tickets for both places in the first week of that month.  I will find out about the school’s schedule and buy the tickets to coincide with the holidays offered.

I have to also send S’s folks an e-mail letting them now that I am going to be going to school and what days I will be available.

I am just going to keep taking the actions indicated.  I have copies of my transcripts for the application.  I have filled out the FAFSA and the results have been sent to the school.  I have requested two letters of reference and received affirmative response from both parties asked.  I just need to write my letter of intent and I will be done with the application.

This is the other anxiety inducing thing.  School is three days a week for ten hours.  I am about to sign on to working three days a week and doing school three days a week.  Basically giving myself a six-day work week.  I am not excited by this.  Thus, the brain kicks into overdrive again, can I do two days a week with S. ? Can I find other work?  Should I drop being a nanny completely and just get some barista job somewhere.  I found myself looking at job boards last night for writing work.  I have never done any freelance writing.  Is now the time to start?

When can I squeeze more time into my schedule to do this?

Ugh. Stop.

Makes the head hurt and I can feel furrowing.

Which leads me back to here, right now.  The present.  Where there again is nothing wrong.  Not with me, not with my job, not with school, not with money.

Not with the One.  Where ever he is.  There is nothing wrong in this moment and all avenues of possibility are open.  I am at the nexus of the Universe.

Ok, that sounded like I’m in Dune.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

There, that’s the attitude!

Remember, Carmen, the consequences of your actions are not going to be negative.

Accept that, move forward.  Take next action.

Go pee and wash your dishes.

I can do that!

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