God Damn

by

I am tired.

I am going to sleep walk through this posting, that is the hazard of writing a post every day, some days I will be writing jag’ed out posts, posts where I am so tired I could just fall asleep at the wheel, er laptop.

I drove back from Santa Cruz today.  I got up after a quite solid nights sleep and woke up to the green smelling redwoods and the sun filtering the long way down through the leaves.  It was beautiful.  Had myself a little breakfast, had a spot of coffee, and did my writing sitting at a picnic table overlooking the lawn from the community center’s lodge area.

People were up and moving far earlier than I thought they would be, but many folks had to catch planes and or drive back long distances, LA anyone?

I got my writing done, did the exercises and the reading for Calling In The One, and took a long walk through the redwoods before returning back to the dining area to check in one last time with new friends and family.  I rather felt like family after yesterday.  I had some really nice interactions with both Shannon and Alex’s family, from cousins to godparents, to friends, it was nice to be a part of.

And I also stand within my own autonomy and do what I could do to help, but not over commit to helping.  I knew it was going to be a day of planes, trains, and automobiles for me.  Or rather, rental cars, taxis trains, and BART.  I took a lot of different forms of transportation to get about this weekend.  I think I’m exhausted from just all the traveling I did in such a short bit of time.

The drive back from Santa Cruz was so smooth I decided I had time to run to Rainbow and basically do a bulk run.  I really did not need to buy groceries, per se, but man, when you got a vehicle, you use it.  Or at least I do.  Unfortunately, this lady did not realize that it was Folsom Street Fair.

Ah, fuck.

I spent more time stuck in SF traffic then I did in traffic coming back from the wedding.  And I realized it was my first time in years not going.  I’m rather over the fair.  Not that there’s anything wrong with it, go get  your naked butt on, will ya?  Just that the sex part of my life right now is rather on hold.  I am on the lets build some intimacy part.

I haven’t had sex in a little while.  Not an awful long period of time, but it’s beginning to look like it may be a little bit.  Even if I met the One, still wondering a little about Mister D.C. it was good to see him this morning, I have to say, this weekend, it would take some time to develop the kind of relationship where I am going to get naked with a person.

I have once again asserted my right and privilege to keep myself completely sex free until the right man comes into my life.  I have made this vow before and gave it up when I went to years with no sexy sexy.  Good that sucked.

However, I wasn’t at the place in my life than that I am now, that was about four and a half years ago.  I have had my share of flings, poly-amourous play, flirtations, sexting, multiple partners (christ, you know I’m tired when I don’t give a fuck what I’m writing about, though truth be told if anyone sincerely asked me I would share all this information with them, it’s not like I am hiding anything, least of all shame, I have gotten to have these experiences to find out what I do want).

None of them worked.

I realized the last poly-amourous relationship I was in that I was actually having sex with the guy to get to the pillow talk.

Really?

This is not a good way to cultivate a sexual relationship.  Even if the sex was wholly hot, I wanted the intimacy at the end, the conversation, the mutual language we found in our lives.

I think this is why I was a bit smitten, intrigued, by Mister D.C. last night, the level of conversation was fantastic.  I now have a bar to set my dates by.  I was thinking about dropping into a spot tonight to see if a guy I had been on a date with a few weeks back was going to be there and maybe he would ask me out again.

Nice try brain.  1. He’s not interested, there was no call back for date number two.  2. YOU AREN’T INTERESTED.  Which is much more important, our conversation was awkward as all fuck and we kept bringing it back to his dog–which if you know his dog is not terribly hard to do, she is absolutely adorable.  And to be honest, the man is a dear as well, we just didn’t have any real connection and it felt like a stretch to talk for the forty-five minutes we sat over tea.

Now, I know what I want the conversation to look like.  And from that I can build into the rest of the relationship, intimacy, mental, emotional, dare I say it, spiritual, must come before physical.

I usually go about it from the opposite end.

No pun intended.

Well, this may conclude my tired ass, sorry little posting today.  Suffice to say that I was in Santa Cruz, drove home, went to Rainbow, bought groceries, drove to the apartment, unloaded, unpacked, had lunch, took a bunch of clothes to Buffalo X-change and sold them, gassed the rental car back up, drove back to SFO, dropped off the car, got on an Airtrain, then onto BART, stopped at Sephora on Powell and bought mascara, and just missed the bus, had a case of I’m too tired for this, and flagged a cab for a ride I could have walked, but I may have fallen asleep some where in the Tenderloin and that would have been no good.

Glad to be home, glad I got my post written, glad I’ve got a down load of Weeds to watch.

Glad I get to pursue romantic intimacy at this stage in my life.

Really, glad.

Hugs to Shannon and Alex for helping set the bar so high. Congratulations on the beginning of your lives together, my friends, it was a distinct pleasure and a blessing to get to be there for you both.

 

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