Fucking Integrity

by

I am unable to lie about what is happening in my life, regardless of how much I want to.

Grr.

I suppose this could be construed as growth.

Oh, all right, I know this is growth.  It just feels limiting sometimes and very humbling.  And I also know, it’s the opposite of limiting, but you know, my head’s been a chatty cathy of late and it adores rocking out a good story line.

You will be homeless.  You will be abandoned. You suck.  What were you thinking going to school?  Please.  Who in their right mind is going to give you money?

Natter, natter, natter.

Shut up head.

What was interesting, even if I did not want to admit it at the time, I felt really vulnerable admitting it and rather weak at that, is when I had a conversation with S’s mom this morning, I admitted that S and K were it.  No more nanny, not even while I’m in school…even if I don’t get into school.

Well, I’m accepted, so even if I don’t get the money to go right now.  I will not be nannying any longer.  I don’t have anything left to give.

I felt pretty freaking burnt out today at work and jesus, people, it’s only Monday.  I am fucked for the week apparently.  I was a moody bitch today and I really had to pull it together and get myself present and be there for the girls.  I wanted to leave them on a corner and run away screaming, but I don’t think that’s really sober behaviour, eh?

I exaggerate here, I never thought about leaving them on the corner, I just said that for the dramatic effect.  However, I did contemplate just flat-out quitting today.  I had a serious case of the fuck its.  I don’t care for that at all, I don’t like when I get into that kind of head space.

I made time to write and sit and be quiet and I meditated.  I really had to, I felt bat shit crazy.  It did not help that K. had spent the entire weekend being spoiled to death, literal death I tell you–she vomited ferociously all over her bed last night and was apparently so constipated that she woke up screaming at midnight to poop.

I cannot begin to imagine what she was fed over the weekend, but it was not good.  The half eaten bowl of cheese puffs on the counter was a clue, but I did not care to investigate further as I had my hands full cleaning bedding and restoring the house to pre-grandma splendour.

That’s something to be grateful for, grandma left today.  No more Elmo videos or Barney (she let her watch BARNEY.  How can any adult do that to a child?).  However, I was left stranded with a child with a still fairly upset tummy and some serious behavioral regression.  Not only did she not remember her manners, she hit me, a lot, today.  I was appalled.  I cannot remember the last time she hit this much.

I couldn’t figure out if grandma was a little on the spare the rod and spoil the child tip, or if K. was just acting out (she spanked the Minnie Mouse doll with K. for being naughty, naughty, last Friday, and something about it smacked, pun intended, of her own child rearing ways, it rather creeped me out).  But hitting is not something I will stand for.  No body hits me, I don’t care what age they are.  She got a time out within ten minutes of grandma leaving.  Four more with in the hour and another when S. showed up for biting.  Eek.

However, I will say this, she was an angel by the time she had finished her afternoon nap.  And I was re-grounded, having had a good sit at the table in the quiet of the mid-afternoon fog and mist.  We had lovely snuggle time while S. finished her nap.

Both the mom’s showed up early today, apparently having outside pow wow about mom things, ie me.  Whether I was going to be available to them and at what rate, what child care options were going to be for S. since the nanny share would be ending soon.  And god only knows what else.  I don’t need to know, however.  It’s actually none of my business.

My business, my integrity came into play when S’s mom offered to give me a ride home and K’s mom said, keep the bike here and take my MUNI pass for the morning.  I looked out the window, quickly calculated and decided I wanted to get the ride home versus biking through the slippery slide rain and fog.

The car ride led to me having a very open and up front talk with S’s mom, we picked up where we had left off this morning.  I told her that I had not gotten approved for all the tuition loans I would need and I did not know what was going to happen next.  And she told me that she and K’s mom were going to post up to Golden Gate For Mom’s and make sure that I was taken care of and reference letter this and referral this.  And I stopped her.

No, I am not going to nanny any longer.  It made me cringe saying it out loud.  Especially as I was playing with S as she was giggling away in her car seat, I can’t do it any more.  I am drained.  I am not going to be able to show up and be emotionally present for another set of children.

Unless, they are my own.  I am not capable of navigating another relationship between two different families.  I do not want to be a nanny any longer.

But, you’re so good at it.

Yeah, I know I am, which is part of the problem.  I can be pretty damn good at a lot of things.  I was a phenomenal manager at The Angelic Brewing Company, I can say that with no hubris.  I know I was.  However, I was not having a good time.  Regardless of what it looked like.  Same for just about any other job I have excelled at.  Hell, I was told at more than one place of employment I was the best they ever had.  I excel at my jobs, that is just a part of who I am.  I work hard, I am efficient, I get the job done and once I learn it, I find new ways to become more efficient and I manage my time extraordinarily well.  I am a dream employee.

But am I happy?

Nope.  Not for the most part.  Oh, don’t get me wrong, I do not have any regrets about any of the jobs I have had. I certainly don’t about having gotten to be a nanny for the last four years.  My god, it has been a blessing.  I love my charges.  Junebug and Reno were probably the best job I have ever had, hands down.  S and K., they are great little girls, but I haven’t been happy as a nanny for a while now.

And the thought of doing it again, even though I would make better money at it then anything else I can find, leaves me devastated.  I am emotionally unfit to continue doing it.

That sounds like I’m a psycho, but the reverse, I believe is true, thus having integrity to speak up and say I’m through.  I know that children deserve loving present people, not some one checked out going through the motions.  I’m beginning to check out.  I think that I have some constraints with K’s family and that has hastened the process, but I think I would have gotten here regardless.

It’s time I got out, regardless of how tempting the lure of making good money may be.  If I have to scrape by for a while, so bet it.  If I work a job where I am making less, so be it.  I have found my limit and I am almost there. The arc of my time as a nanny is concluding.  And instead of trying to hold on and force it to work and get the references and go on another round of interviews, I am going to retire gracefully and with my dignity and integrity intact.

Today I am deciding to let go rather than be dragged.

I may be standing naked on the precipice of financial ruin, but oh well, at least it’s exciting.

Chilly, but exciting.

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