I Heart My Friends

by

I do, I really, really do.

Mostly because I can show up a wreck, like I did tonight and sit between two dear women and cry and not run away.  Tami put it to me so well, it’s Friday, you’re in a safe place, you can decompress from your week.

Decompress?  What the fuck is that?

Need glasses, going to move next weekend, new job, two weeks down! Don’t have a place to live yet, although I probably do, it’s just twice what I want to pay. No money in the bank.  Which is sort of true, but not really.  I have money, it’s just not accessible.  Direct deposit never went through today.

ARGH.

Not how I like to live.  I suppose I will get used to it and I will learn how to manage my money when it comes in.  But dude, it’s fucking Friday and that means no money until Monday from work.  That really is not what I wanted to hear.  I took the “news” better than I thought I would.  I opened up my computer this morning, went online, and looked at my bank balance.

And lo and behold, it is the same as it was yesterday when my debit card got declined at the optometry office.  I breathed in nice and deep and said, look what you have right in front of you.  You just ate breakfast, a nice hot, tasty breakfast, and it was organic to boot.  You have a cup of coconut chai steaming and dusted with cocoa powder by your paw waiting to be imbibed.  You are sitting in an apartment that is paid for.  Your bills are all current.  You have food for today and for tomorrow.

Then I did my morning pages and went online again after to see if “magically” the money had been deposited to my account.

Nope.

So, I went into my ING Direct savings account and emptied it.

Well, that’s not true.  I left $1.39 in it.  I took out a thousand.  I transferred it to my checking account.  It will arrive in my checking account on Tuesday.  If I get this room on Sunday, that will be my rent for December, rent and utilities.  Then I can set aside what ever comes in from work whenever it comes in, toward rent for the following month.

That may seem like I’m getting ahead of myself, but if the direct deposit is not dependable, which it does not seem to be according to all employees I spoke with about it (not that you don’t get paid, or paid correctly, you just don’t really know when it will land in your account) I will need to make sure I set aside money earlier in the month than I normally would to make sure that my rent costs get covered.

There are two things I don’t fuck around with when it comes to my money–rent and my phone.  Those are my necessities.  I have always paid rent and my phone no matter what.  I pay them when they are due and not a minute later.

So, with some trepidations, but no other choice, I took the money out of my savings.  The money I will get back from my deposit will go straight back into being the money for my new deposit.  And then that’s all she wrote.

It seems complicated, but I have money, I just can’t touch it right now.  Sort of feels like a kid who is sitting on a trust fund waiting to turn eighteen to get access to it.

On the bright side, I got a nanny gig with my favorite little girl in the whole world tomorrow night.  So, I will get awesome hugs and snuggles and play time and adventure and a little cash to carry me through the weekend.  I can deal with that.

I will also be getting some money from selling my cruiser bike.  I got a buyer!  Not that I did not think I wouldn’t, the thing is priced to move, but I got a buyer that I adore, who I know will love riding it and I can already see her perched upon the black velvet corduroy seat with a cute pair of boots and a hat.  Yay!

I feel like I showed up well today at work.  I did not get indignant with my boss about there not being money, I did not throw a tantrum.  I kept my opinion to myself about how we should get paid in a prompt manner and just did the work in front of me.  I got a lot accomplished, two weeks in it is starting to make more sense, I am beginning to get the feel of it.

But I have to say by the end of the day, I had my fill for the day and my fill for the week and there was no money in the account, and it was confirmed, no money until Monday and I could feel myself getting irritated.  Then I talked with Arin and David who were working in the building on all things cool and designer, and told the story of getting my card declined last night at the optical department at Kaiser.

Which, I am beginning to see is a blessing.  David mentioned Optical Underground, as did my dear friend Sarah last night, they both gave it huge thumbs up.  Arin pointed out, see, this is better, now you won’t be wearing cheap glasses that you just randomly picked out after five minutes.  I can go to Optical Underground and get something funky and sexy and cool and the cost will probably be either the same or cheaper.

Rock on.

I called Kaiser back, told the man who assisted me last night that my deposit had not gone into my bank account, rip up the impression he took of my card.  And thank you for your help, you were really nice about it.

Tomorrow Tami and I are going to meet up in the Mission, do the deal, then meander over to the store and check it out.  She’s gifting me a pair of frames.

I burst into tears when she said that, and debated whether I wanted to write about it either.  But, I write about me, my life, my experiences, and accepting a gift from a friend, is a hard thing for me to do.  I just about had a panic attack.

I wanted to protest, no, no, no, I have the money, it’ll be there (mind you, my house looks like a side-walk sale as I gather everything and anything I can sell, but no pride wants me to turn down the gift).  I sat there and shook and let the tears run down my face.

Then a big breath, and I said, “this is where I say thank you.  Thank you”.

God damn that was hard.

How come that is so hard?

Especially since I know I would do the same for a friend and not let them turn it down.  Yet, for me, nope, no gifts, please don’t.

Such bullshit.  It doesn’t allow for me to be human, I don’t have to have all the answers and I know, without a doubt in my mind, when it is my turn to help out, I will.  That is how it works.  When you have it, you give it away to some one who needs it.

My life is blessed, my friends love me, even when I try to say I am not worth it.

Fact is, I am.

As are you.

Tags: , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: