Googly Eyes



They dilated my eyes.  My whole world is wacked.  Not as wacked as it was earlier, I am now into my fifth hour of the dilation and my eyes are almost back to normal.  Almost.  I still have odd halos around lights. But for a while there it was like I dropped a lot of acid.

And not the fun kind of acid.

Or I had taken a big hit of E.  But got none of the yummy side affects, just the black anime eyes.

I could not read, I could not look at stuff.  Oh, I tried, but it was all wonky.

I went to Rainbow and good thing I know the store like the back of my hand and it was not during their peak times.  I got out of there just before the after work rush was starting to happen.  Which is a good thing as my depth perception was seriously skewed.  Like, how did I expect to put all those groceries in my messenger bag?  My eyes were literally bigger than my stomach!

So with eggs and bananas precariously perched onto the very precipice of my Chrome bag I toddled out into traffic on my bike.

I know, I know, I am crazy.  It was an exhilarating ride.

That’s what I like to call a change of perception!  It was not a death-defying ride, it was exhilarating.

Ok, I was scared shitless.  And I went very, very slow.  I also decided that cooking for myself or wielding knives was not good idea.  So I took myself out for sushi.  The waitress handed me a menu and I snorted with laughter,  I could not read a single thing on the menu.  I just got the special.

And what do you know?  It was fabulous.

My phone whistled at me to signify that I had an incoming text.

Side Bar–I just realized that I don’t cringe anymore when I get a text message!  I am not expecting a demanding update from one of K’s parents about whether or not she’s eaten, slept, pooped, or had any unwanted contact with the outside world, like fresh air. I actually get a little frisson of nerves now.

That probably has to do with getting texts from Mr. West Oakland.  With whom I had “the talk” last night.  In which I told him that I was not interested in just a hook up, that I was not interested in sleeping with someone after two dates.  I acknowledged that we had chemistry, jesus, there’s enough chemistry to make a room full of high school boys sprout hairy palms, but that chemistry was not enough.

He said he understood, that I was “husband shopping”.

I am quite proud of myself for not 1. denying it or 2. getting pissed off at him for saying it.

Fact is, he’s correct.  I am, as he pointed out, of a certain age and I am done “pillow hopping”.  Now I have never heard it put quite like that before, but that about sums it up.  I am looking for a partner, a husband, a mate.  I am old fucking fashioned despite the nose ring, the hipster glasses, the hipster bike shop job, the sleeves of tattoos on my arms and the Iphone I am rapidly becoming attached to like it’s my child.

End Side Bar-

The waitress commented, wait, so you can read that, meaning the incoming text on my phone, but not the menu.  Well, sort of.  And then she made a suggestion.  First, switch seats, the glare is not as bad on the other side of the table.  So I did,  and she was right!  Second, put down the phone and the menu and just enjoy the feeling of sitting in your body, close your eyes if you want to.

Ok, only in San Francisco could a waitress so blithely suggest that, with no hint of malice or attitude.  And no I was not at Cafe Gratitude, I was at We Be Sushi on Valencia at 16th.  So, I did.  And I had the loveliest meal.  I sat and closed my eyes and drank the hot cup of green tea (how come when I make green tea I can’t stand it?  I never buy it in the store, it tastes like ass, but when I am at a sushi restaurant it always tastes just so divine).  I felt the hot liquid course its way through my body from the mouth down my chest into my stomach and felt suffused with a soft warm glow.

When I opened my eyes the world was still wild and wonky, but now it was soft and I had relaxed and I wasn’t forcing my eyes to adjust.  I just let myself enjoy the halos of christmas kaleidoscope lights that frizzle frazzled my pupils.  Then I had my miso soup and it was delicious and warm and salty (ah salt, my last hold out, the only white powder I deign to do anymore).  And the sushi!  God lord, soft, luscious, buttery, melt in my mouth in ecstasy, combined with the prick of wasabi and the umami of the soy sauce, I rolled my eyes back and sighed with complete contentment.

Maybe I should get my eyes dilated more often!

Afterword, I slowed down further.  It had become dusk and with the falling of the light the turning on of the head lights was happening and the cars on Valencia where a cacophony of rainbowed halos and fuzzy halogens.  My depth perception went completely out the window and I contemplated getting off my bike and walking the rest of the way.

But I did not.  I just went slow, very, very slow. An octogenarian with hip problems passed me by.  But I made it to where I needed to be.  Unloaded my bag and sat for an hour in a chair with my eyes closed listening to the world turn around me.  It was delirious fun.  I don’t know that I could meditate for that long again, I basically just sat for an hour, but it was amazing.  And when my hour was done I climbed slowly out of my cocoon of silence and I felt light and soft and downy like chick fluff.

I wanted for only one thing–a hot bath.  Alas, my accommodations do not have that.  Wait a second!  Yes they do.  Duh, the down stairs bathroom does have a tub.  Oh my god.  I think I am going to indulge myself completely, finish this blog let my googly eyes get that last bit of rest they need and go sit in some bubbles.


I don’t really want to do the dilating of the eyes again any time soon, but perhaps I will choose to take the lesson of the day with me for a little while.  Stop.  Slow down.  Sit still.  Be in my body.

It is a lovely place to abide.

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