Here I am in my new digs over on Bessie St. in Bernal Heights, or lower Bernal, really I am nowhere near the top of the hill.  I got done with a very busy day at work–it was pretty much non-stop from the minute I walked in to the minute I walked out–then I moved.  I had actually debated staying late and finishing up a few things, but in my gut I knew where my priorities lay.

I knew, I always know, that I can’t put certain things ahead of other things, that the life I have has been given me because I take care of my responsibilities to my self and my recovery.

That being said, I also had to move.  I am now on my second move of the month.  It was a damn quick move when I think about it.  Reno’s folks left me the key to the Volvo wagon and I was loaded up and out the door about 20 minutes after I pulled up on my bicycle.  Again I marveled at the fact that I rode all the way there to the top of their hill without getting off my bike and walking any part of it.  It is still a unique feeling.

I had the foresight this morning to pack my bags and have it all arranged so that I would be able to just walk in the door, pick up my bags and walk back out.  I am almost getting used to being on the move.  And yes, it does feel a wee bit European.

Perhaps I am practising?  Now, there’s some perspective!

Plus, the house that I am “sitting” also has a little European flair.  The woman who is so kindly letting me occupy her space is a traveler and there are many little treasures about her house that remind me of travel and what that means.  I could be anywhere in the world.  And I get to be here.


I also got to see a view of San Francisco tonight from the top of Vermont Street that I had forgotten about.  And what a glorious view it is–it gave me such a thrill to see it again.  The Bay Bridge, spangled in lights, the Embarcadero building lit up with its holiday finest, downtown’s splendid sky line and the webs of light as the traffic flowed in and out of the city.  So gorgeous, made me sigh with pleasure.  Gave me some perspective, a true gift that.

I get to live here.  I have gotten to live here for nine years.  I have been a fuck up.  I have not known where I would be from one week to the next.  I have made housing errors and have my share of room-mate horror stories, but ultimately it boils down to this, I live in San Francisco and that is a fucking miracle.  I get to live here, I get to continue to live here and yeah, so I have to make some concessions, but over all, what an astounding place to get to be.

I am a very lucky girl.

Tonight my GM made me laugh and do a quick evaluation on my life as I was stepping into my SiDi shoes and getting ready to hop on my bike.  He said that moving five times has the stress equivalent of fleeing a burning house.


I am embarking on moving three times in one month, ending one job, starting another, and turning 39.

Is my house afire?

What house?


Funny thing is, big stresses are easy.  I can handle the big stuff.  It is the little things that get me.  What people think of me, like it’s any of my business, for example, that can make my head spin in a heart beat.  Or not understanding something that everyone else completely gets and they’re all talking about it and I am sitting there trying to load a Post-it Note dispenser and want to cry.

I got to go to lunch with Mrs. Fishkin today (god how nice is that?  I get to go to lunch with friends!  I love being in the Mission for work.) and we were talking about work and she interjected and said, that’s why they hired you.  Huh?  Oh yeah that’s right.  I was hired at my job for a specific reason, to help them stream line their systems and to help them be more efficient and to make it a smoother work environment and provide better service to our customers.

Arin pointed out to me that I had gone from the freak out stage of not understanding what was going on to being knowledgeable and discussing with detail and intelligence what was happening at the job.

Holy crow!  She was right.  I could see the problem and I was staying on top of it and I could see the solution.  Granted, it may be too late to address what I saw, but in the near future I will be able to navigate the problem and solve it before it actually becomes an issue.  I am not getting as knocked about by the environment and I am beginning to have a grasp on what the business is and how things move forward.

It is exciting.

And boy oh boy am I getting around on the computer, I can type a lot faster.  I am getting much more efficient on the MAC and I am still learning.  I feel like I am also not struggling as much with the learning process.  It’s like the analogy I heard tonight, I want to go to the gym already buffed and cut.  I don’t want to show up at the gym needing to work out.  I don’t want to do the work.  It’s uncomfortable and I am a perfectionist who has a difficult time letting people see that I don’t always have the answers.

I had a moment today with a client on the phone where I did not want to acquiesce to the request that she was making, then I realized that it was not actually my call to make, not yet anyway, and I backed up, slowed down, and said, you know what, I may be the wrong person to talk to, let me get some one else better equipped to help you.

Who said that?

And it all worked out.  I was able to help, I didn’t get snitty with the customer and she got what she needed.

Win, win.

I know that I will still make mistakes, and I still have so much to learn, but it is happening and I can see the results starting to come together and that feels good.  It feels good to show up at work and actually be of service there instead of walking around feeling like I am going to cry  because I can’t get it together to figure out what needs to be done.  I get to keep showing up.

I get to keep moving too.  I get to explore this little pocket of the city now.  I look forward to getting to know you Bessie Street.  You seem really sweet and cute and I think this is going to be the perfect place to spend the holidays.

Thank you for accommodating me while my house is on fire.


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