Oh I Do, Do I?


*You gotta stop blogging about your inner thoughts and insecurities on a public level if you expect intimacy and respect from a romantic partner. I don’t know if your love interest has seen your ramblings but I cannot imagine its doing much for his interest level.*

How interesting.  I don’t know who this comment is from, and I debated whether or not I was going to approve it.  But approve it I did, I figure, really, what you think about my “ramblings” is just an opinion.

And I get the feeling I struck a nerve with this person.  I don’t know why, but I also get the impression it’s a guy.  Oh NO, what if it’s him, what if it’s the guy I have been seeing what if he’s found me out, oh gosh, oh jeez, oh…….

Oh, what fucking, ever.

The basic fact for me is this:  I can’t fuck it up.  If I am supposed to be with N______ I can’t fuck it up, it will happen, he will like me insecurities and all or, drum roll please, he won’t.

The next basic fact is this:  I can’t manipulate it into happening.  Which means I’m not going to suddenly change what I do or how I write to hide myself away so he doesn’t get to know the real me because I want him to date me.  That is manipulation and that is bullshit, he’s a smart man, he’ll figure that shit out. This is it, this is me, this is what you get.

I used to not even know that I was manipulating people, or trying to.  I was always trying to get what I wanted, even when it did not want me.  I had some very definitive ideas about who I should date and when and where and what and guess who was single for a long time?

I get to air my insecurities because I get to be human.  I get to be vulnerable. I like that I put it all out there.

And you know what, I don’t actually put it all out there.  I practise a lot of discretion, there is a lot in my life that I don’t write about in my blog, there are some things I only share with my closest circle of friends and fellows.  I also write every morning, in a private journal that is just for me and nobody else.  Often times, almost always, I don’t even go back and read what I wrote.  My blogs are crafted.  Yes, they are my honest thoughts, opinions, feelings, yes I put out my shit for the whole world to see.  However, I go back and I edit what I write.  I change things around, I think about form and function and spelling and I proof read them.  I don’t just dump the brain onto the computer.  There is a method to the madness, believe me.

It’s just an exercise.

Yes, oh yes, I get excited when people read them and tell me that they read them; and I do have a different voice coming from within me when I write my blog.  It often feels like I am just a vessel and the words flow through my fingers.  It was not my intention to write this blog and have an audience, despite the very nature of what a blog is.  It started to give myself a kick in the pants to publish Baby Girl.  It was a tool that has become something else.  A tool that I look forward to picking up and using every day, and sometimes I drop it on my foot.

Half the time I am not really sure what the tool is supposed to do any more–today it’s a hammer, tomorrow it’s a bike wrench.  I just know this–I am compelled to write it.  I feel an anxiety arise in my chest when I don’t have any ideas about what to write or how to talk about my day.  I also get these little panicky blue bird thoughts that flutter about my heart and twitter at me about how no one is going to want to read this and blah, blah, blah.

And that’s ok too.

See, I figure that I keep exposing myself, little by little, bit by bit, to the world, that one day I will stand completely free of my garbage and be my most complete, authentic, divine self.  By the way, I hope that does not happen for a long, long, long time, I am having fun being a human being.

Some people don’t want to see it.  And that’s fair.  You don’t have to read it then.  I invite you to disengage if what I write is not your cup of tea, I certainly don’t want any one to feel obliged to read my ramblings of insecurities.  Nope, go wander around Facecrack and get your fill of insecurity there, why dontcha?

I won’t lie, the comment bothered me a bit, I felt some emotion, I felt tender, and a little saddened, like wow, I put out my heart and I wear it on my sleeve and I was honest about being where I am and how I am walking through the experience of dating some one.  And then as I let the feelings sit, oh I also wrote a rant about it too, but I sent that off to John Ater who knows better than I how sensitive I can be around my writing, and let off steam that way,  I realized that I actually like the fact that I put my shit down and out and ship it off to the universe.

One because it lets me address it.  Yeah, I am insecure.  Who isn’t?  I am not perfect, I don’t want to be perfect.  Thank god I have insecurities, that means I get to keep growing and exploring and learning about myself.  And I am aware of them.  I work on them.  I ask for guidance and I seek help.  I am also nowhere near as insecure as I used to be.  I have grown so much, I think that is where I felt tender after the initial read of that comment.  This person does not know where I come from and how much work I have done to get to where I am at today.

Hey, and that’s cool.  You don’t need to read up on me to read my blogs.  You don’t need to know my history.

Fact is, it’s actually none of my business what you think about me.  I know what I think about me and I love me, I fucking rock it out.  I am beautiful and sexy and smart and full of sunshine and laughter, and bullshit, and good humour.  I hug hard, I ride hard, I dance hard.  I am awesome.

Second, feeling the little pings and pangs of being involved with some one new I think, and this is just my opinion, I think is normal.  Isn’t every one a little insecure when they start dating some one new?  And isn’t that part of the excitement too?  We are all unique, we are all different, and what may float my boat, well, it may not float some one elses.  So I get to struggle with showing up and being my authentic self.

N______ is smart, hot, young, and full of future, promise and sexiness.  I get to be a little in awe of that and a little nervous, but excited too, to find out if he thinks the same of me.  I get to experience being a human having a wonderful nerve-wracking exciting journey into romance.

Yeah, my insecurities are going to pop up.  Oh fucking well, that’s ok.

Today I embrace the ramble and I embrace the nerves and I embrace my experience with who I am at this nexus point in the history of Carmen.  I know this–I can stand outside it and I can see from the beginnings to where I am now and I can see the arc of the story and the dimensions and the growth.  It is pretty fucking amazing, all the zigs and zags from point A to point B.  Astounding when I actually acknowledge it.

I have fucked up, I have fallen down, I have made mistakes, I have learned and learned and learned and I have gotten to forgive myself and love myself all the way through it, warts and all, nerves and all, I get to meet fear with faith and grow more.

Pain is just spiritual growth.  I got some this week.  Thanks Mister Commentator, or Madam, as the case may be.  Thank you for helping me grow and thank you for helping me embrace my perfect, imperfect fascinating sexy self.

Tomorrow is date number four.

I’ll keep you posted!

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2 Responses to “Oh I Do, Do I?”

  1. MD Says:

    i have a text in my phone from you from two years ago. I was freaking out about my fear of being too “much”, too “myself” with a guy I was beginning to date – that I might turn him off if I was “too myself.” And you said the following: “Did u tone it down in front of him b4 u knew he was interested?” No. Part of what attracted him to me in the first place was me, all of me. As no doubt your man (this or the next) is/was/will be attracted to the real you – all of you.

    IMHO, keep your reality flowing. It was great advice.

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