I Have Some Good News….


And I have some bad news.

Oh, just give me the bad news first.  I already knew what the bad news was.  I already knew.

She’s not moving out.

You can’t have the room.

But we love you and want to help!

That’s nice.


Fuck fuck fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck.


The thing is, I can’t be mad.  I really wanted to be toasted, but honestly, I am really glad my friend and his girl friend worked it out.  I really like her.  I really like the two of them together.  The sound of heartbreak when he told me she was leaving was just unbearable.  I was actually really happy to hear that they are staying together.

Go love!

Sucks ass for me, but what’s a girl going to do?  Especially a dyed in the wool romantic?  I would rather see love prevail then get a room in Nob Hill.  Besides, I knew in my heart that it was only going to be temporary.  I never felt like I would be there for very long, and hey, surprise!  You’re not going to be there for very long at all.

Actually, my friend and his girlfriend agreed to let me stay with them for the month of January, rent free, on a blow up bed in their living room.  They both feel pretty bad about not being able to help me out.  There’s only one small catch–she’s allergic to cats.

Ah, my cats, the little albatrosses of love around my neck.  Little pesky fuckers.  I’d be in a god damn place by now if I wasn’t always trying to make sure that they had a freaking place to live.

Heaving dramatic sigh.

Oh, look, here comes one of them now.  It’s Uni, she wants to snuggle, right on top of the computer, as per her usual M.O.  I love these little beasts, and not so little, Frankie is a big pushy monster.  Now there’s a craigslist ad that’s going to get lots of hits–desperate, aging single woman who works in bike shop needs room ASAP for her and her big, pushy cats.  Please have spacious accommodations, wood floors, a nice clean bathroom, be in the Mission, get lots of sun, and not have too high a rent, see part about working in a bike shop.

I can just see the inbox flooded with responses.

A very wise woman has said to me, “rejection is God’s protection”.

I know she is right, I know that there is a great reason why this is not the room for me.  I am also really grateful that my friend and his girlfriend are willing to let me crash in their living room for a month while I continue the hunt for a place to live.  I know I am being taken care of, but my fucking god, it looks like craziness to me from here.

I guess I can put to rest that nagging thought about how am I going to co-ordinate moving all my stuff.  My stuff ain’t going nowhere.  Me and my suitcase and my bicycle will be moving from Bernal back to Nob Hill for the month of January.  Maybe I should just go on a tour of the city.  One month in Potrero, one month in Bernal, one month in Nob Hill….I could couch surf all over the fucking city.  Anyone got a place in the Castro, I haven’t ever lived there.  Or maybe Hayes Valley, that looks pretty swank and cute.

But what about the cats?  That’s now the conundrum.  I am grateful to have a place to stay, rent free is nice, I can save some more money, I like that.  But what about the cats?  Do I board them?  Do I pay to have someone take care of them?  Or, do I look at my friend’s place as a fall back and try to hustle something up right now for January?

That thought actually makes me want to cry.  I really thought I was free from the craigslisting.  I went on for ten minutes prior to starting my blog.  Nothing that would work for my situation is out there.

I just can’t wait to tell John Ater.  Fuck my mother.  I won’t be wearing eye make up.

I mean, I took it so well this morning that I made myself laugh.  And I feel like I’m taking it pretty well right now.  It feels just on the verge of overwhelming.  It feels like something is going to pop.  I feel a little naked and a lot vulnerable and now that I am not at work filling online orders like a happy little Christmas elf, I can say I am having feelings around this situation.

But mostly, it’s that I don’t want to talk about it anymore.  I don’t want to think about it any more.  I don’t want to process with my friends any fucking more.  I just want to be done with it.  And the done with it is not to be had.

It’s Christmas.

It’s my birthday.

It’s the New Year.

It’s my anniversary.

What I want-a date with roses and dinner and make out.  A birthday present.  A dance partner.

What I don’t want but have been none the less given-a no call, no text, no response since date was cancelled on Saturday morning (I very gently reminded myself that no response is a response); no flowers, no make out, no birthday present, no dance partner, no room, no place to call my own, a job that pays very little, and a God with a wicked sense of humour.

Hey, Universe, what the flying fucking hell?  I did Calling In the One for this?


Pause for breath.

Ok, the way I see it is that God usually hands me a gift.  And I go, ewwwwww, looks gross I don’t want nothing to do with that.  Take it back.  Then its thrust upon me again, and I say, no really, this is NOT what I want.  Here, take it back.  Then, look, hey, the postman’s delivered it AGAIN!

Maybe I should just sign for the parcel, and unwrap the dirty, dog poop smeared paper and trust that underneath the wrapping paper is something wonderful and special, designed just for me.

Maybe there’s a reason I’m supposed to be in this place.  Maybe it’s ok to be vulnerable and once again have to admit defeat.  Maybe, I get to keep enjoying the delicious bounty of humility that is being heaped upon my plate.

I can stop “thinking” that the holiday advertisements on the television are really what I want.  And I can get into what is happening right now.  Let’s look at the facts–I have a job, I have a place to stay, I have food in my belly and clean clothes on my back, I have wonderful awesome friends who won’t charge me rent to live out of their home for a month (nor have I paid to stay in this home either, two months rent free in San Francisco totally makes up for the loss of income I have incurred, hmmm, how interesting is that!), I have friends who are going to go dancing with me the night before my birthday, I have two cats that love me and lavish me with attention.  That animals trust and adore me makes my heart warm.

Calvin’s giving me a free hair cut the afternoon before I go out dancing.  I have a new party dress and pretty heels to dance in.

And I bet you anything, there is an amazing gift that has just been handed to me.

I accept it, I accept it fully, humbly, and gratefully.  I accept it all.

I don’t have to like it, but I can love it with all my heart.


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