Lily Pad House, Will You Marry Me?

by

This used to be my favorite graffiti in all of San Francisco.  It was on a wall on the front side of a Chinese Donut shop on Folsom and 16th.  It has been covered for years now with a crappy billboard that advertises what ever super bad movie schlock is going to be playing at the Metreon in 3D.  I miss it.

I had not thought about that particular graffiti in some time.  I used to admonish myself to take a photo graph of it and I never did.  I rued it the day I went past and saw the billboard had obliterated it.  It was in block sky blue letters on white paint.  I just adored it.

I imagined some one sitting on the Folsom 12 with his girlfriend pointing it out.

I saw another of my favorite San Francisco pieces of art this evening, though, that has not been changed, with the exception of some one re-wiring it for electricity–the Defenestration building at 6th and Howard.   It is the building that Academy of Science art students affixed various forms of furniture to crawling alongside the building.  There’s a mattress coming out a window, end tables, couches, chairs, scaling the sides of the wall.  And on the very top there is an old television set which just occasionally rolls through a screen test.

It was on tonight and I count it as good luck.

Things are shaking themselves out in my world.  I don’t know what exactly is happening, but I have the proverbial “pricking of my thumbs” happening.  My vision seems to be clearing.  I seem to be coming out of a fog.  I don’t know where I am yet and I don’t know where I am going to be, and the changes keep coming.  But I think I am at least getting used to the changes happening.

It is helpful that the cats are being taken care of.  My Burning Man family is taking them in for the month of January.  Hurrah!  I am so very grateful that my furry little monsters will have a home.  They are couch surfing in Berkeley and I will be couch surfing in Nob Hill.  And perhaps in the Castro for part of the month as well.  I’ll be getting my back packing through San Francisco experience on!

All my personal trappings are being dispersed throughout the Bay area.  I keep having the load lightened.  Before you know it I will be striped down to the essential Carmen.  There will just be me, my party dress, and my new shoes.  And a new haircut.

Calvin got me in on Saturday at Solid Gold Salon for a birthday present.  You got to love having a hair stylist as a good friend! I have no clue what he’s going to do, but I want to keep growing it out and I want to keep it feminine and pretty.  My curls are starting to come in and I really enjoy having them.  I also like the way my neck looks when I wear my hair “up”.  So far, up, means teeny tiny pig tails, but I have enough hair to pull them off.  Very exciting.

I am getting to see the city in a brand new light.  That is perhaps what is happening.  And my life as well.  Every thing is transitional.  No matter how much I try to hold onto something I am left again and again with the realization that things are constantly in flux and constantly changing.  I can attempt to establish a routine, I can try to get to know something, but it will change and be different and baffle me and astound me all at the same time.

I don’t know that I am articulating very well what I am seeing and feeling right now.  I feel like I am on the lid of a hurricane.  I am just on the outer ring of a wild wind pattern that is constantly swirling and that the epi-center is nigh and I am about to be sucked into another dimension.  I feel deja vu.  I feel flush.  I feel lucky.  I feel excited.  I feel like there are a nexus of possibilities right now.  I may “think” I have some grasp of what is going on, but I don’t.

I keep just trying to show up and do what is in front of me.  I keep getting smacked into the moment, despite my feeble attempts to roam off into the future.  Even the near future, like Saturday or Sunday, seem nebulous, as though a bit of wind stirred by a butterfly wing could change the very course of my life.  I feel like I have really begun to listen to my intuition and there is something prodding it, nudging me, trying to guide me and I am trying very hard, very hard to let go and just be guided.

I want to not struggle with it.  It does not mean that I am giving up.  I am just not struggling.  I am pausing and asking for direction.

The act of defenestration connotes the forcible or peremptory removal of an adversary, and the term is sometimes used in just that sense;[4] it also suggests breaking the windows in the process (de- also means removal). Although defenestrations can be fatal due to the height of the window through which a person is thrown or throws oneself or due to lacerations from broken glass, the act of defenestration need not carry the intent or result of death.

Thanks Wikipedia.

I think the adversary that is being removed, literally tossed out the window,  is my idea of who I am and what I am supposed to be.  How I am supposed to look, where I am supposed to live, and what I am supposed to do for a living.  All of these ideas have been taken away from me.  It is the death of my self.

I have crossed over a threshold.  I have said, I am no longer a nanny.  I am no longer interested in being single.  And I am going to do something different.

Now, I have been flailing around in the air as the shards of my life flash around me, but I have not actually gotten hurt.  And this dying, I feel like it is coming to a close.  I feel as though, yes I may be in free fall, but I am falling into something.  I am becoming something.

If you will bear with me, the phoenix is starting to stir in the ashes.

I do not know what it is that I am becoming as I continue to lose the trappings of what I think I am.  But it is almost here, I can feel it like breath warm on my neck.

And it is fabulous.

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2 Responses to “Lily Pad House, Will You Marry Me?”

  1. ryan bennett Says:

    Wow. I’ve looked online for years for a picture of that (the lilypadhouse question). It was painted on the side of that joint for years. Always wanted to go in there and see if they knew the story behind it. Then one day it was gone.

    • auntiebubba Says:

      I still think about going by and seeing if they had any photos of it, looked through a ton of graffiti journals in SF and never seen it. Still kick myself for never having taken a photograph of it.

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