Adorable!

by

The fact that I get to have relationships with women amazes me.  My favorite Mrs. asked me out to lunch.  My favorite Joan took me to the MOMA today to see the Francesca Woodman photography show.  My favorite Beth gave me unbearably beautiful love tonight.

My favorite Jennifer was adorable tonight.

I am constantly blown away by the women in my life.  Tami, head resident at UCSF, you’re really my friend?  My god that’s sexy.

Precious Joan, who really is the best museum date ever.  We chat, we walk, we look at the art.  We hold hands, we meander, we wander apart and come back together.  There’s no pressure to “intellectualize” the art, we just enjoy.

So nice.

I remember when Stephi Fox looked at me, I was in my early 20s and she said, “you’ve never had girlfriends have you?”

And she was right.  I had not.  This was in response to me not realizing that a comment to a mutual friend about how her new hair cut was a “mom cut” when asked what I thought of her hair.

Well, it was a mom cut.  But I wouldn’t say that now.  One, I don’t need to put some one else down to feel better about myself.  And two, right now, this very second, I’m rocking the mom cut.  I fucking hate it.

HATE IT.

But that’s the price I get to pay while I am in the in between stage whilst growing out my hair.  And what’s nice is that Calvin and Diane asked me to be a hair model for a stylist who is auditioning for a chair at Solid Gold Salon and maybe after tomorrow morning it won’t look so mom “ish”.

Keeping the fingers crossed.

I did not know how to be a good friend for a long time.  And I still struggle.  I am still learning how to show up and not talk so much about myself and listen to another woman share her life, her experiences, her joys and her sorrows.

I can get rather wrapped up in my own shit.  Fast.  Oh so fast.

Today, though, it was just a gorgeous day that I got to spend with some of the most wonderful women.  And I am beyond grateful for that.

Then I think of all the astounding ladies in my life and the list is incredible.  Cass, Tami, Joan, Beth, Nikki, Diane, Jennifer, Tanya, Margo, Sidney, Caroline, Wendy, Marybeth, Stephanie Sargent Fox, Amanda, Shasha, Ji, Kelly, Robyn, Jackie, Amy, Carrie, Raquel, Molly G., Felicia, Bonne, Jayne, Maitreya, Shannon Smith-Bernardin, Heather Saltzman, Molly Daniels, Sarah, Aliza, Andie Grace, Arin Fishkin.

Holy cats.

All these stunning, beautiful, awe-inspiring women that do things and make things, cook, have children and careers, volunteer,run, do yoga, make art, sing, dance, laugh, hug, inspire.  These women inspire me.  These women astound me and break my heart open so that I can hold even more love.  Who are there for me when I am a wreck, who are there for me when I am sick, when I am happy, when I am just me.  I have friends, I have family, I have fellowship.  I have joy.

I am suffused with joy.

And all of them–teachers.  All.  I am not saying that I did not learn a lot from the woman who raised me.  I did.  But I did not learn a lot about healthy female relationships.  I did not know how to relate to women.  I did not know how to relate to being a woman.

Something for which I would not trade the world.  I love being a woman.

But I did not always.  And it feels like I did not know how to be a woman in a community for a very long time.  It took a lot of practising.  It took a lot of fumbling.  I lost some friends, and gained others.  I fucked up.  I made a mess of relationships.  I may still do so, who knows what the future holds.

Right now, however, I am just full of adoration for these women.  I could not do what I do without them.  I fall, I get a hand to help me back up.  I cry, I am offered a shoulder.  I laugh, I share my experience, strength, hop, joy, life.  I get back so much more than I give and I keep thinking I need to give more.

I probably do.  I probably will never be able to repay what I have been given.  I have been given a new way of thinking, a new way of reacting to life.  A new me.

I am not alone and I am not lonely.

I am loved.

I am lovable.

I am worthy of love.

I am ready for love.

Because that is what Jennifer shared with me when we were driving back to Nob Hill tonight.  That she is ready to be in love.  I am too.  I realized.  Despite or perhaps because of having all the examples of love that I was surrounded by today.  I have gotten to learn how to be a girlfriend, a girl who has female friends.  I have learned to tolerate myself, then like myself, and now love myself, based on the way my friends have loved me and taken care of me.

Ah.

I am mushy tonight.

I have no rants.  I have no resentments.  I have nothing but love for you.

Perhaps makes for a boring read.

But what the fuck ever.

Some times you just have to sit and feel the love.

Basque in the sunshine and leave it at that.

Thank you for the most wonderful time in my life.  Thank you for my life.  Thank you for your love.  I could not do it without you.

And knowing what I know now, I would not want to.

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