Hibernating

by

For just a few lovely weeks there, I forgot it was winter time here in San Francisco.  There has been no rain for a bit and the weather has been scrumptious.

Alas, I fear that warmth has parted ways with my fair city.  The cold descended today and the wind kicked up and I see rain on the horizon.

I went to Sports Basement today after doing the deal in the Mission and I bought a new raincoat.  One that fits and one that although I am not looking forward to wearing it, I will probably don this Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.  The rain is coming.  The sky is falling.

The cold drop has me feeling the necessity to get cozy, to put on my slippers, wrap up in an over size cardigan, eat  soup, and drink tea.  Luckily for me, all such lovely things have been manifested.  And then, I write the blog, a bit on the early side today, as I have a movie date with me, myself, and I.  Then a quilt to cuddle up with on the couch and an early evening in for me tonight.

I feel like hibernating.  I feel like a little winter bear who is all sleepy.  All I am missing is a fire to curl up by.  I am sitting next to the radiator writing this and pretending it is a fire.  It’s actually not a bad substitute, it makes a nice little steamy sound and is putting off a smidgen of warmth.

It does however, for no apparent reason, have a mind of its own.  I do not know when it will decide to turn itself off and leave me in the cold again.  I was talking with Radha about how we have both become acclimated.  She being from the East Coast and I from Wisconsin could bond over the inexplicable way our bodies have changed to feel like 50 degrees is cold.

And I don’t know how to tell you this, but god damn it, it’s cold.  That wind pricks you and pushes you around on your bike and the sun goes away and it’s going to be a long chilly one at work–where the door is always open to the outside elements and the space heaters can only do so much.

I will be drinking lots of tea at work this week.  Lots.

I also feel like being quiet and warm because I am sleepy.  I drank caffeine a little later in the day yesterday than I normally would and found myself up tossing and turning until after 2 a.m. last night.  I put myself to bed at 1:45 am, but it took a while to settle my restless brain.

I was up and going at my normal time this morning, but I knew from the dreary look in the sky and the coldness in the room, the weather had officially returned to winter.  Then I checked the forecast and saw rain for the end of the week.

Boo.

Oh well, it has been dreamy while it’s lasted.  I really have been grateful.  The thought of couch surfing and riding my bike to and from in the rain is just depressing.  If I had not had these sunny days to sail forth into, the couch surfing could have been a bit more irksome.

That being said, fingers crossed, I just have two more weeks of it.  I re-confirmed that I had the room today.  I saw Caesar earlier this afternoon and we shared a nice hug and a quick synopsis on the room.  Which reminds me, I need to call the cat spa in Berkeley.

Caesar’s mom changed her mind–no cats allowed.

I asked Caesar if I was still able to rent the room and he said yes.  After realizing that as much as I love my cats, I cannot put their welfare above mine any longer, I told him that I would still take the room.  I can’t couch surf anymore.

It’s a nice idea, and there have been true moments of hey this ain’t so bad, but I need my own place.  I need my own space and I am not willing to give up a room with my own bathroom, five blocks from work, in the Mission, with a deck, and my own entrance for $700 a month.

I just can’t do it.

I have been having absolute moments of guilt and panic when I think about letting go of the cats completely.  It reminds me of when I moved out here in the first place and I left Pork Chop and Miguel at the Madison SPCA.  It was awful.  I cried so much I think I cracked a rib.

I was so mad that they could not stay with the friends who had moved into my old place.  Mad I tell you.  But I could not find another place for them.  I tried.  I think I called every single person in my phone book.  Not a one was able to assist.

That’s what I am in fear about today.  That I will have to put the cats up at Animal Care and Control (the SPCA here, despite the myth to the contrary, does not take animals from the public.  All animals are first surrendered to Animal Care and Control where they are assessed and categorized.  Then The SPCA comes over and takes what animals, dogs or cats, they believe are most adoptable to their facility.  There is always the chance that a surrendered animal will be put down at Animal Care and Control.  They do euthanize.).

I will have faith that the cats are going to be ok.  I have to take care of myself.  I just have to.  The stress of carting those little guys around with me while I have been looking for a room has been a lot.   A lot of anxiety, worry, and fretfulness.  And I am well aware that all that worry helps neither them or myself, but there it is regardless.

I have already made one difficult phone call today.  I might as well notify the kitty day spa.  I am terrified of asking them to keep my cats and terrified of having to find another place for them to stay.

Christ, writing my blog is supposed to be cathartic, not stress inducing.

I am just being reminded of what I heard a lot this weekend, however, let go or get dragged.  I am done being dragged.  I hereby let the cats go to their own fate, what ever it may be.  I will do my best to get them situated, but I will be letting them go.

Now, I am going to go write an e-mail and suck it up and do the next action in front of me, before the swan song of hibernation calls to me again and I lapse into a heap of blankets on the couch and check out with a movie.

One last responsibility to take care of today.

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