I Tried to Sabotage Myself

by

And lo–

God said, let there be a three-day weekend.  

I just about peed my pants with relief.  I forgot that next Saturday I am covering for a co-worker, which means this Monday I have off from work.  Thank you God.

Thank you.

I of course, wise woman Shannon poked fun at me this morning, overbooked myself.  I did not have a relaxing day off.  Nope.  The brain was firing on all cylinders before I was even out of  bed.  I am actually ashamed that I did not sleep in either.

I did not set the alarm, so yeah, naturally, when the bladder calls, which it does early when you’re swilling tea late into the evening, I just got up and got in the shower.

Wait.

It’s Saturday, sleep in, rest, loll about, god damn it.

Nope, I was up brushing my teeth and stripping down my bed sheets and getting my laundry ready.  I was in the shower.  I made breakfast, and ate it and made a pot of French press coffee before I would normally be up on days I work.

What is that stupid saying, “no rest for the wicked”.

I must think that I am the awfullest thing walking.  I could not cut my brain some slack.  I could not give myself a day to chill the hell out.  Nope, I was off and running out the gate.

I did laundry.  I wrote my morning pages, three, and prepped my tax forms.  Why won’t my pdf file open, by the way?  I down loaded the Adobe reader that my payroll service said to do, but I can’t view them.  Annoying.

ER, or perhaps, a little divinely intervention, maybe today was not supposed to be tax day, eh?

Ok, then, laundry done, taxes set a side, momentarily, I tried again later, no dice.  I decide to head to the nail salon.  I was in a bit of a mood, I now realize.  I got the call, I knew it was coming, but I got the call and I just think I wanted to run away from the feelings.

Tomorrow I have to surrender Mr. Frankie Pink to Animal Care and Control.  His host family cannot have him anymore.  And I have not been able to locate anyone.  ACC will.  I know that.  I am sad, but then I recall, hey I gave this monster a home for four years!  He was an abandoned, probably going to die cat.

I also sort of had him foisted on me.  It was not my original intention to get him.  But such is cat fate.  I know he’s going to be ok.

Logically, that all sounds great, but I realize now, I was a bit heart-sick today around it.  So, instead of sitting still and letting myself have the sad feelings, I just got busy.

Granted, it’s nice that a lot of the get busy was necessary and beneficial to my comfort level going up a huge notch.  I got my microwave today and made a big trip to Rainbow and one to Whole Paycheck as well.  I am set for groceries, I have a mini-fridge nicely loaded, and a beautiful brand new out of the box microwave.

Houston, I have a kitchen.

I still need to get the shelving unit.  Which is beginning to be the bane of my existence.  I went by Harringtons for the second time now to pick it up and it did not fit in the hatch of the Prius I reserved with City Car Share.

That was a new experience as well, driving an electric car.  Where’s the key?  You push the “start” button and slip in a “key” that’s like a little fob.  The “shifter” is on the wheel and it is not standard like anything I have ever seen.  Granted, it’s idiot proof, I was actually able to get comfortable driving it fairly quick.

I had a great deal of time to get comfortable.  The Mission was crazy with people and traffic.  I don’t remember it being this busy, but then I realized, it makes sense, it’s a destination in the city.  It’s culturally thriving, ie pulling in Marina dollars, and over run with guys on skate boards.

Do they even live here?

Basically, I pushed myself today.  I ran around, and although I got stuff done, it was not the most relaxing.  I finally called out and checked in with Carolyn.

That helped.

I did not want to.

And I did not want to sit and have the feelings, but have them I did.

When I got back here, tonight, at 10 p.m.  I was grateful to have a fridge to put the rest of my groceries in.  Grateful to have my retro vintage microwave oven at the ready for my oatmeal tomorrow.  Grateful that I could make some tea and not disturb anyone in the main house.

Grateful that I could come in, put fresh flowers in a vase by my nightstand and realize that tomorrow is a day that I will take off and I will have a weekend.

Thank God I have Monday off.

I need a break from myself and my sabotaging ways.

I will go to Kabuki.  I will get a massage.  I will sit in the steam room and cry over my cat and then I will let it all go.

My cat has a God after all, and it’s not me.

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