Dance Party Pooper

by

I backed out tonight.  I am a little ashamed of myself.  I was really up for going dancing tonight.

Then I had my 90 day review at work and had the juice sucked out of me.  I had my inventory taken, so to speak.

It was actually a good meeting, but it was hard to sit still and take criticism.  It was harder yet to have humility, and hardest, was the, where’s my pat on the back?

I got a pat on the back, it just wasn’t what I wanted.  And as it is so often with things we don’t want, they may sting at first, but the sting eases and the humility pill is swallowed and something changes, a perspective, something, shifts.

I got the shift today while meeting with the GM offsite at a cafe during work hours.  I had no clue it was coming and rather felt snuck up on.  I would have prepared, I would have said something different.

I would have not cried.

That’s what I would like to take back.  But nope.  I cried.

I called myself stupid and I got embarrassed over of all things, being a human.  I made mistakes.  I did not hear the good.  It was there.  I do a good job, let me acknowledge that.  But all I hear is that I have so much further to go.

Rather painful to hear and accept.

The truth usually is.

One day, perhaps, I will reach for truth and embrace it, but this ego let’s go rarely without a hearty fight.  I don’t even have the retaliatory speech in my head.  There was nothing to retaliate for.  Retaliation is, perhaps the wrong word, this is not a battle, this is not a war.

It’s a fucking bike shop.

Oh, look, another pair of humility pants to put on.  Boy, I hope these fit better.

Crabby and grouchy.  I want accolades, damn it.  What I got was carefully structured criticism.  It was so god damn politically correct it was painful to listen to.  In fact, I wandered off at one point and it was pointed out.  Which is also embarrassing.  I have no poker face.  None.

I can’t exactly say what happens, it’s like I glaze out.  I can’t hear anything else that is being said and I nod my head and say yup like I am giving my full on attention and all I am saying is “are you done yet?” in my expression.  I am supposed to learn to give my full on attention to the world view and the story and how everything is organically grown.

And I don’t give a fuck.  Just show me how the god damn thing needs to get done.  I don’t need back fucking story.

I have so much that I can take with explanations.  I don’t care for hearing the big picture.  But that is what is expected of me, I am supposed to see the big picture and learn to enjoy that way of seeing.

Fuck.

Am I resentful?

Hmmm.

Can’t I just stay with my own narrow world view?  Really, because it has gotten me so fucking far.  Bike shop.

The nice thing about being able to acknowledge that I am lacking in certain skills is that I am being offered some job training that I am rather surprised to be offered.  They want me to take computer courses.

Whereby, see,  I just got something!

Aha.

If they are willing to invest time into educating me, time and money, they will either pay for the course or they will pay for me to take the course, depending on where I go, then they are investing in a cause.  They want me to stay and grow with the business.

This means job security, which is nothing to be sneezed at.

I would like it to also me insurance and being paid on time.  The new Big Brother time clock snafu continues as we weren’t synced up to the secure deposit people and, oh yeah for timing, of course there is a holiday on Monday so, they may not receive our pay until Tuesday, which means no pay-day until Thursday.

And I have my underwear in a bundle when I make mistakes?  What the hell?  Perhaps being paid on time is something that could be rectified.  That would be cool, eh?

I felt pretty drained after the whole thing.  I know it was supposed to be supportive and  open and communicative and all that other bullshit.  But I just felt attacked.  Despite the way it was broached I did not feel much acknowledged, just judged.

That is poor me self-pity that doesn’t go very far, except into self-pity land and frankly that’s a boring place to go.  It did suck the joy out of my day.

I finished work and took care of what project loose ends I had to tuck up and slipped out at 7p.m. on the nose.  I went bicycling over to Church and Market and did some grocery shopping and went got a big hot tea at the Church St. Cafe.

I was supposed to be getting a coffee.  An end of week celebration latte.  A kick of caffeine.  I was going to go dancing with Beth and her friends visiting from Hawaii.  But I did not have it in me.  I just wanted to come home and hide under the covers.

No dance party for me.

In the end, I got what I needed.  Validation that I am an investment.  An acknowledgement of my assets and a list of places where improvement is necessary.  I was given an honest assessment.  I am a perfectionist which is just a fancy way of saying I hate myself and I am not teachable.

Not true.  I loved myself enough today to hold my tongue, to keep the focus on me, instead of what the other person should be doing to make my life change.  God damn it, it would just be fine if you did it my way, dontcha know.  I let my inventory be taken and I see my part.

What can I do differently?  How can I be useful? Where can I take initiative? Where can I be of maximum service?  Usefulness makes for happiness.

I know I am useful at my job.

I get to continue to be so.  The acknowledgement is in the paycheck.

If it ever actually gets deposited to my account.

 

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