A Not So Subtle Reminder


I heard tonight that pain is the touch stone for all spiritual growth.

Well fuck my mother.

That explains it.  I am having a growth spurt.

I met with Carolyn before work today and yes, in case you were wondering that was me, the girl with the running makeup on the couch in the back of Ritual.  I guess I will know be adding Carolyn to the small group of people I sit down with without eye makeup on.

And damn, it had looked good before I left the house.  Of course, I wore the liquid liner that is not water proof.

Ugh.

Oh well, what do they say?

Save face or save your ass?

I saved my ass today.  I did a lot of work before work today.  I wrote a lot.  I did some inventory.  I got honest, as honest as I could without some one else giving me guidance.  Then I got that.  And then I got some tools.

Tools I did not want, suggestions I did not want, and I did them anyway.

Seriously, at one point I really had the urge to hit Carolyn, sock her really hard, and flee.  I just wanted to run, my brain said louder than I have heard it in some time, say, “fuck you, fuck this, it’s too much, I am done”.

“Get out.”

“Run”.

I swear it took just about everything in my body to sit the fuck still and just let what was happening happen.

And I only lost it two more times.

However, after some reading, some more writing, and some quiet, sane talk (not from my end of the couch) I got right with God and got on with my day.

You can take that anyway you want.

Today I got to practice laying aside prejudice and I got to work on getting some willingness.  I had not a clue, not a damn one, that I was so entrenched in my behavior and ideas about my way of life.

I found out.

The nice thing about this was the amount of time it took to see that there was an issue–9a.m. to addressing the issue-9:45 a.m., to accepting a solution-10a.m. to 10:35 a.m.-then actually realizing that it was working.

The relief.

I conceptions about how things “should” work.  I have ideas about how to figure it out.  I know about being right.  Dontcha know?

The turn around time was fast.  It was painful, I did not want to be in the mess, but instead of wallowing in the muck, I muddled my way out–I muddled my eye make up too, but what the hell.

I washed up to the best of my abilities and put on some really bright red lipstick to draw attention away from my messy eyes (the “my mouth screams blowjob” red lipstick) and breathed and hugged Carolyn and hustled off to work.

I was a bit besmirched and I felt spiritually rumpled, but I rallied.  I rallied a lot faster too, then I have in the past.

I took direction, is why.

Simple, but not easy.

Ugh.

Then I went to work, and guess what?  I messed it up.  I made mistakes.  I corrected them where I could, I helped where I could.  And actually, I relaxed a little.  Once I could embrace where I was and just get into the work in front of me, it all just fell into place.

By the end of the day, I had completely forgotten about how miserable I was at the start.

Pretty fantastic.

That kind of manufactured misery is something I used to toil underneath for months if not years.  I am seeing it faster and faster and the shifts seem small, but huge, seismic.

All sorts of things getting shaken up.

For this I am grateful.  I wrote a lot about gratitude today.  Here are some of the goofy, happy, wonky things that I wrote, not all of them, some of them ain’t your business (yeah, just because I write a blog, divulging my “secrets” does not mean that I don’t practice discretion as well, and frankly some things are better kept between me and a select few anyhow):

Willingness

My bike

Having a place to live

Getting to see Stephanie Sargent Fox

Being asked for help

Asking for help

John Ater

Burning Man

Jefferson getting to go to Paris

Letting go of my idea of who I am

Not having any credit card debt

My lap top

Having a grand in savings

Tears

My bed

My health

Good food

Jeff Genoni flirting with me at the bike shop (good lord he is cute)

Uni being taken care of

Sunshine

There were more, there are lots more.  It was brought to my attention that I need to place attention on what I do have versus what I think I should have.

Such a small subtle shift, yet huge, earth shattering, life changing.

I also have some old conceptions that I need to throw out, or expand my willingness to believe that it will work for me like it works for others.

I also got a writing assignment.

Ass.

I hate writing assignment.

But I like to write.

I get to embrace the paradoxical yet again.

It’s Friday.  But it’s not my Friday.  Tomorrow marks my first day, not my first Saturday, but my first day, nonetheless, of a new schedule, working Tuesday through Saturday.  I had to make sure I did not have any coffee late in the day today.  A habit I let myself occasionally indulge in on Fridays.

The coffee will come in handy late in the day tomorrow though.  Saturdays are out busiest day at the shop.  It’s me and Kristin.  We are going to kick ass.

I am grateful for my job too.

My real job, is to be of maximum service to others.

Even if it means getting messy in public places.

I did my real job really well today.

Allowing me to actually show up at the other place of employment and have some fun with bicycles.

I did have fun today too.

Despite the vale of tears, or perhaps because of them.

 

 

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