Stand Up For Yourself


But not against others.

Now there’s a thought.

I heard a lot about flight or fight tonight and it seemed quite apropos of my relaxing of the idea that I need to move and I need another job and I need a career and I better make something happen.

Last night I had a good long talk with John Ater and I explained to him that I was going to stay put and not move and that I realized that the decision that I needed to make was to sit the fuck still.

He laughed.

He always laughs when I hit the nail on the head.

“Hardest thing to do.”

Damn, skippy straight.  It is seriously, retardedly, ridiculously hard.  But I am sitting on my hands.

I almost applied for a job at Google today.  There’s an opening in their administrative department.  I know nothing about Google, other than I often want to tell people to just go look it up on Google when they ask me some obscure question or they want information from me that they could get by doing their own foot work.

This happens so often at work that I am always a little amused when a client, typically over the phone, who probably got the number for the shop off the internet, off Google, asks me to get them information.

I usually say something like, “please hold while I Google that.”

Asshat, is what I say under my breath.

I like how ‘google’ is now a verb.

I also think, goggles, gawk, oggle when I say google.  Sometimes I say oogle instead of ogle, as it sound fun.

Then I did not send it in.  I said I was going to sit on my hands for a little while, that I was not going to drive myself nuts looking for work.  Instead, I am going to keep going to the shop and learning new things and honing my skills.

I am also letting the work come to me.  I have a friend who has asked me to do some free-lance editing on his blog.

What?

I just finished it.  I don’t know what to charge, I don’t know if I was actually of help, but it was cool to be asked to consult on some writing.

I am also going to advocate for a local artist and help her get some of her work in San Francisco stores and galleries.  I am excited about this.

She told me the same thing that Shannon basically told me yesterday–I am good with people and I can make those connections and do the face to face interactions that some people have difficulty doing.

It is a new adventure.  Although when I thought about it I have a passion for art and I love her work and it deserves to be available to more people, so it’s really a fun way to get out there and be of service to her and yet stand up for myself and learn some new things and perhaps try out something different.

She is also a good friend and knows that I have a tendency to jam pack my time off with projects and things and stuff and you know, busy work.

I had some of the same thoughts and realized that I can help her, and help myself, I am getting paid for my time, and still have some parameters on how much time I give to the project.

I’m just going to start out small and maybe do a couple of hours, three tops on Mondays during the early afternoon.  We met today and discussed her needs and we caught up too.  It also helps that her office is in the same space as the bike shop, I get to see her all the time and I am excited to do this.

John mentioned, more than once, I have grumbled about my job more than once, that I need not look at working at the shop as the end all be all of my career.  I am there for a reason.  I am going to hand some one my card one day and they are going to need me for what I do.

I just know it.

The shop is the next step in where ever.

Mrs. Fishkin also made a distinctly good point to me today, it’s nice to be able to have a relaxed look about at other jobs.  I am sustaining.  Granted it is a simple sustaining and I am not doing anything frivolous and I am not doing a bunch of traveling, but my basic needs are being well met.

Which means that I can look around with out the pressures of ‘I need a job!’ I have done this and it is not fun, it is not comfortable and it’s just a recipe for stress.

I can leave my work at work.  Even when I am out on my bike and I am riding what I do and I see our bikes out on the street and I want to holler at some one to lock up their wheel properly our it will get stolen, I can leave it at work.  I can go about the rest of my day, write, blog, get my recovery under my belt, do my thing without too much worry about work.

That is a relief.

I also like the location, duh, and I really like my co-workers.  I got the cutest text from one of the guys at work that he and his girl friend had secured tickets to Burning Man. It is really sweet to be able to have friendships with my co-workers and relationships with them outside the work world.

I can stand up for myself.  I don’t have to run away, I don’t have to flee.  I can let things come to me and I can go out there and live in the world.

That was the other thing that John told me, you want to write, you have got to go out and live.

So true.

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