Deer in the Headlights

by

I caught a glimpse of what I must have looked like the first day at the shop.

I trained a new guy today.

I did not know that I knew so much.  I also suddenly and distinctly understood that the attitude that I thought I was getting from the people training me had nothing to do with me.

It had to do with the fact that we are all impossibly busy.  The time it takes to train some one is really draining.  It is time-consuming and arduous.  It is a brain suck and I already have enough of my mental space being sucked into this job–the training set me back an easy three hours on my morning.

Poor guy.  I think I actually heard a few synapses fizzle and pop.  And he is some one who knows a lot about bicycles, certainly a ton more than I.

He is being thrown into the fray.  I can say pretty well that he will have a slightly softer landing than the one I had just from the standpoint of there being another person there five days a week too.  He is the second hire to go full-time aside from myself.

The GM does not count.  He never has a day off.  Ever.

I do not want his job.

Then again I don’t want my job either.  But that is between you me and the telephone poll.  I do enjoy it at times.  I certainly enjoy the being needed part.  But it does seem that every time I turn around I am being asked to do something more.  It feels like I am barely keeping my head above the water line.

I just keep doing what is directly in front of me.  And the day goes by really quick.  Half the time I am astounded at how fast the day goes by.

I also do cram an awful lot into my day.  Not just work, but the things I do before and after work.  I did not get a chance to take any photographs tonight.  But I did get in a grocery shopping run, got my mom’s day gift and card, and a meet up with the fellows down the way at 2900 24th Street.

I still have work of my own to do after I get done with my blog post for tonight.

John Ater walked by and chortled at me from the door way of the bike shop today.  It was a fantastic reminder to get up, out, away from the desk, up and out and away from my brain and to get a little taste of fresh air and a big infusion of love.

A reminder to give him a call.

A hug.

A breath of fresh air and serenity.

SERENITY NOW!  As Calvin likes to say.

Speaking of, I haven’t seen him in a while, time to go dig him up.  I could use a sit down game of bones at Ritual and a little catch up with my friend.

Ugh, good lord, it’s almost ten p.m.  How does it go by so quickly?  I swear I was just sitting down to my morning bowl of oatmeal and french press coffee and now it’s the end of the day.  I have a tea cup beckoning and another five hundred words to pound out before I open up my notebook and do some inventory.

Frankly, all I really want to do is crawl into bed with America’s Next Top Model, British Invasion, and zone out.

Yes, I know, you can’t date me now, I admitted to watching America’s Next Top Model.  It’s not like I can watch high flaunting stuff every night.  I like dreck too.  The silly drama makes me chuckle and I like looking at fashion, so there.

It’s better than paying attention to the drama in my head and for what ever reason, it makes me feel good about my own life.  I have no such trivial problems.  Hell, I don’t have problems.  That is what the show reminds me.  That there is nothing wrong.

Everything, when I take the time to look at it shows me that there is nothing wrong.  I just haven’t taken the time to do so very often lately.  I push myself pretty hard.

But there is a reason for it, I need it.  I need the structure, I need the writing.  I need to do it.  I don’t feel at ease in the world without having done it.  It takes time.  I can knock out a thousand words pretty quickly, but it still takes time.

Especially if I don’t know what exactly I am going to write about.  Or if I feel like there’s nothing new to report.  Often times it becomes a regurgitation of an idea or thought or a process that I am walking through, an exercise to find clarity.

Clarity.

Yes.

I find that the more I write, the more clarity I get.  There is always a point in the arc of the blog that something becomes clear, that some point I am missing is pointed out.  I find the key to unlock the problem.

The problem and the solution have nothing in common.

The problem is dealt with when I turn my attention to the action I am taking, which is typically the writing and the patterns shake out and I see, clearly, what needs to be addressed.

Right now, that means picking up a pen and a notebook and doing a little soul-searching and preparing to meet with Carolyn tomorrow in the back of a coffee shop in the Mission before I go to work to get a little perspective–clarity–so that I can help some one out and not leave my new co-worker stranded out in the middle of the road.

Ah, yes, because usefulness makes for happiness.

And I want happy,oh yes, yes, yes, I do.

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