I’m Just About Done With You

by

OkStupid.

Really, I want to date, I do.  But I am not interested in starting up a conversation with some one in Seattle Washington.

Dude, right now, I consider dating some one in Oakland a long distance relationship. I cannot even begin to consider dating some one not even in the same state.

Please.  Why even bother?

I saw some one who had put into their profile, I will only respond to people who live in Oakland.  Great.  I would definitely ask you out, but I am not in Oakland.  He’s got a point, though.

I sort of feel the same way, only if you live in San Francisco am I going to date you.  Silicon Valley does not work, or San Jose, or Alameda, or Marin, or if you have to cross a bridge or pay a toll.  In fact, can you just live in the Mission and really make it easy on me?

I am a lazy bitch.

Well, first because I have a bike, no car, and no desire to commute to date.  Man, I barely commute to work.

Work, may be the place to score some dates.  Tell you what.  Some cute action happening in there over the last few days.  My co-worker caught me out, today,”where you just flirting?”

Uh duh.

Yes, yes, yes I was.

I was being the operative word.

As soon as he dropped the unintentional verbal bomb about all the bars he frequents in the Polk Street neighborhood, I became immediately disinterested.

I put the business card with my cell phone circled on it back in my pocket.  Smile nicely, and sent him on his new fixed gear back to the Polk Gulch and the R Bar.

Been there.

Done that.

Next.

Today was bike to work day and bike home from work day and I walked.

Ironic, no?

I met with Carolyn before work and I was getting picked up by a ladybug after work, so the bike was not going to fit into my schedule.  I thought it was funny that I was walking to work.  I ride to work every day anyhow, what’s a day out on foot?

I need to slow down sometimes and see what is happening around me.  And I got to do that.  I also got to take some photos up around the Slovenian Hall this evening, the light was stunning.  I felt like I could swim in it, it was luscious, viscous, honey light.

Did I catch a decent photograph?

Nope.

But I met another cute guy.  Who, oh, yes, I think it is true, lives in San Francisco and I cannot confirm, but I believe may live in the Mission.

Where you been hiding cute guy?

I almost, almost, got up the nerve to give him my card, then I passed it off to a woman I had just met.  That felt like the right thing too.

Besides, I have an idea I may run into said gentleman again on campus, so to speak.  Not going to be overly concerned.

Which brings me back to OkStupid.

It just is not working.  And it’s boring.  God, it’s really boring. And I am getting pretty much the same results as the last time I used it.  Which were not great results.  I think I may be dropping the profile.  It was a good experiment.

But I have better websites to waste my time on.

Besides, I also get creeped out when some one’s time date stamp is after a certain point at night when they look up my profile.  And some of the names.  My God, do you have a clue how off-putting your profile name is?

Here are some stellar ones:

CareBearWalker.

Dude you are never, ever getting a date, let alone laid, well, unless you are paying for it.  Are you a furry?  And if you are, CareBears?  Really, that is just wrong. WRONG.

Ew.

MisterRightNow.

How about, MisterNowayInHell or MisterGoTheHellAway?

Then there’s always

GoodTimesPlus

Plus what?  Plus my weird foot fetish that you forgot to mention the first couple of messages out and was so buried in your profile that I missed it until a little too late.

Eek.

I mean a girl likes a little foot worship.

At the nail shop.  And let’s just leave it there, shall we?

BigFootJam

What the fuck is that?  Toe jam?  Big toe jam? Bigfoot toe Jam?

Ew.  No.  Never. Throwing up in my mouth.

Wait, have I introduced you to GoodTimesPlus?  You should meet, you may be able to help each other out.

ADamnNiceGuy.

Well, that’s nice of you, but really what your profile name should be was:

AdamnBoringGuy.

Or even better….

AReallyDamnBoringGuy.

No I’m not yawning because I worked a long week, you are putting me to sleep, that’s all.  Christ you better than over the counter sleep aids.

Not that I’m taking any, but you know.

CupidCountry

I’m sorry sir, but San Mateo is not Cupid Country.

Maybe Marlboro Country, but definitely not Cupid Country.

AllthingsTaco

I don’t know why this worries me.  This could be a really cool let’s check out all the taco trucks in the city for the best carnitas kind of date.

Or

It could be a date to Taco Bell for Chalupa time.

The way my dates have been it would be the latter and not the former.

TonetheBone

Is that your cute little name for your penis?

Next.

Manic+Taco

What is up with the taco references?

Is it a sexual position that I don’t know about.

By the way, sporking is a postion, and I thought I had heard them all.

Which makes me really wary of SporkPork.

Run Away.

Far, far away.

All the way to Manic+Taco, ah, just had a thought, maybe it’s a methamphetamine taco.  Either way, tacos should not be manic.

Hipsterdad.

Dude.  That is just sad.  First, you’re too old to be a hipster.  Second, you don’t have hipster glasses on.  Third, anyone who wants to be a hipster is not someone I want to date.

Nor, do I want to chat with the guy who has sent me three e-mails and keeps popping up on my chat.  Go away.  Take a hint.

Leave me alone.

Oh wait.

Fuck, that is for me to do.

OkStupid, the break up begins now.

I did not even get a decent kiss out of you.

Bah.

 

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