Bashed

by

Feeling a little blue and sad tonight.  Change is a foot.

And not where I was expecting it.

It looks like Burning Man is being taken off the plate for this year.  Although I had a wild and crazy scheme burning me up this morning…I’ll do a Kickstarter platform and fund my way in and I can do that book on being a nanny at Burning Man….

And, and, and.

And I really want to go, but I am not in the same place I was last year.  Nor is the family that I nannied for the last four years.  Situations change, jobs change, and change, well it fucking happens.

I am a little heart broke right now and I think I am just now seeing it.  I have so much happening, and most of it is in my head, thank you very much, that the idea of not going to Burning Man actually freaks me out more than the idea of moving to Paris.

I can see Paris happening.  I can see traveling the world happening.  I will be going.  I will be getting.  I will and it don’t matter how.

It will just happen, one foot, in front of the other foot.  Hup, two, three, four.

I checked in with a confidant about an idea I had, I have had before, about doing the Burning Man nanny book, and although she did not squash the idea completely, she did give me a reality check.

Some thing to the effect of, I have watched you get great ideas and get excited and then they go nowhere.

Ok, the go nowhere language is my own.

My idea, do the Kickstarter around the book on nannying at Burning Man and get money to go by doing that, shift the focus from doing it to travel the world, but to travel to and from Burning Man and do a book out of it.

Sounds like the other idea I had.  Or the idea I had about being a dj when I first moved to San Francisco.  Sounds like being a photographer, or a travel writer, or a veterinarian, or a make up artist, or a massage therapist, or anything other than, Carmen, works in a bike shop girl.

Oh heart breaking.

I am such a human.

I do, it’s so spot on, get really excited about things and then they don’t happen or I get stuck or I don’t know I sabotage.

Thank god for my fellows.  Thank god for listening to someone else for an hour.  Thank God for knowing what my true purpose is no matter what.

In the grand scheme of things, so what if I don’t get to go to Burning Man?  Life will continue, Burning Man will happen with our without me.  Something else will present itself.

Or God will make it really obvious and I will go.  I can only make do with what I have right now, the resources I have in front of me, which are not figure it out.

Figure it out always fucks me up.

Radha looked at me when I told her about my idea and how I had been pulled back down to earth and she hugged me and said, “honey, at least you have ideas”.

Jesus.

Very true.  I do have ideas, boat loads, bucketfuls, hundreds.  And I do try them out.  Most of the fail me abjectly or don’t pan out and I think I look like an idiot.

But you know, if I hadn’t had tried being a kung fu master I never would have gotten my black belt.  If I had not tried to be a journalist major I would never have gotten my degree–granted it was English Literature, but I got a degree.  I am not an actress but I got to perform in a play in Los Angeles.

I am not a singer but I got to perform with one of my favorite performers of all time–Sunshine Jones–last Sunday.

I also know, because I went and made an ass out of myself that I don’t want to be an accountant, or a veterinarian, or a therapist, or a dj, or private chef, or a caterer, or a make up artist, or a paralegal, or a film assistant for porno’s (whoa do I not want to do that again).

Some times that not knowing can be just as powerful as the knowing.

I know, too, that I won’t be 85 years old tottering around wondering, if only I had investigated that, career, plan, travel, that kind of love.

For instance-I know that online dating does not work so well for me; that I am not interested in being the secondary in a poly-amourous relationship; that one night stands no longer work for me, if they ever did, that I can’t sleep with some one who is married, that I am not a lesbian, that I don’t like sex with more than one person at a time, that some one who is a bad kisser will probably be untenable to date.

I know these things because I took a chance and I tried to do something different.

I am finding out what works for me.  I am trying.

Yeah and I get great big screaming ideas that run away with my heart and then bash into a wall and I get elated and over the top and dramatic, but you know-

Fuck it.

I love that about me, that I am willing to have my heart-broken in everything.

It allows me to get a bigger heart.

My friend was right and I love her for pointing it out to me.  And maybe I will still put together that book and maybe I will still try to do a Kickstarter for it.

What I won’t do is trying to figure it out.  I probably won’t be able to swing Burning Man.

I can get mopey or I can say, hey, I got five fabulously awesome and amazing years–how many people out there can say that?

How many people actually got off their asses and went to Burning Man?

I know scores of people who are still talking about getting it together to go.  I went five years in a row.  I fought in Thunder Dome.  I watched a meteor shower over head while floating through the hot springs.  I sat on top of a four-story throne that I climbed underneath the black dome of velvet sky and hollered out my name.  I flew a kite on playa, rode dragons, danced, sang, roller skated, hula hooped, trampolined, wrote poetry, fell in love, found my soul mate, fell out of love, lost my soul mate, broke my heart, cried, flew in a small prop plane above the mountains, left my best friends ashes at the Temple, watched the Man burn from the inner circle, ate a lot of dust and got to do something that only a handful of the world’s population have gotten to experience.

I am better for it.

And if there’s no Burning Man this year, that’s ok.

There’s still Paris.

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