Are You Single?


I asked in jest, but not really.

And of course, he is not.  But, boy howdy he is cute.  He is also older than I thought, which may explain the attraction as well.

I tend to not really be all that attracted to guys my age, rather like them a little older or a lot younger.  There does not seem to be a happy medium.

I have not deleted the OKStupid profile yet and I had a fun chat with some one last night, but ultimately it led nowhere.  And when he decided to make a comment about my mouth, yeah, yeah, yeah, tell me another story I was just sort of like, time to go.

I told him I was turning in and had a busy day at work.

The truth, I just wanted to watch a little bit of a movie and have a cup of tea before going to bed.

I forgot to sign out of the account and realized an hour later that I was still online.  He probably thought I was blowing him off.

Well, as I was not blowing him, regardless, despite the implications that I may have talents in those areas, I figure, what ever.  I am not too upset if I hurt some one’s feelings on an online dating site.

How to segue this blog to the real topic at hand?

I just looked up and my eye was caught by a picture of my mom kissing me.  I am on a tricycle leaned over the handle bars and she is squatted down.

The photograph consists of just our two profiles.  I do not know why it fills me with such an ache right now.

I suspect that I am a touch hormonal.  I saw twin babies today and wanted to go snatch them up.  I dreamt of two little girls last night–Vivian Marie and Madeleine Ophelie.

Where the hell do I come up with these names?

And why am I sad for children I don’t have?

Yeah, definitely hormonal.

Which may also explain why I was so flippantly flirtatious with the guy tonight.  I always am when they are not available as well.  If they are truly single, I clam up, get nervous, and run.

Or I ask out guys that have absolutely no intentions of dating me.

I am not sad for what I do not have.  I am incredibly lucky for what I do have.

I think, and don’t tell, please, she’s already trying to get me to go to Disney World.  I think, that I miss my mom.

I would probably get my fill right quick if I were to see her for a visit, I might make it two days tops and I would want to get the hell out of Dodge, but tonight, I miss my mom a little bit.  Yeah, I might be having a little biological tic tock too, but that picture, the two of us exchanging a kiss, both of our eyes are closed.

My little nose nestled under her nose, my hair curly and lighter than I remember it being, tied up in a little curly fro top knot.  My mom’s hair, far darker than I ever remember it being, her eyes closed, but not quite all the way.

She’s looking at me just a tiny bit, and  I realized after looking at it for a moment, she’s tired.   She’s really tired.

And that made me sad.

It had to have been so hard.  Being away from her home, family, and friends.  Being alone with my dad, his parents, their alcoholism, the drug use, a marriage that was rapidly disintegrating before it even had the chance to be a marriage.

The photograph was taken in the back yard of my grandparents home in Palo Alto.  The back drop is a faded green wood fence with palmetto leaves behind it.  It is October.  It is the day my mom came home from the hospital with my younger sister.  I am 22 months old.

I have had so much life.

I am blown away by all the things that I have gotten to experience.  The good, the bad, the ugly, the horrific, the beauty.  The sheer beauty of my life blows me away.

The emotion is empathy not pity.  The feeling is sympathetic.  I love my mom.  I hate her some times too.  But the resentments get shorter and smaller and there are these moments when I can get out-of-the-way of my own ideas of what happened when I was a little girl.

And I just see a young woman, 23 years old, toughing it out the best way she could, kissing her daughter.

No wonder I am asking men if they are single.

I want to play the love forward.

Not that I will ever admit that on a first date.

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One Response to “Are You Single?”

  1. Curly Miri Says:

    Intriguing post! Thanks for sharing.

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