Letting Y’all In

by

I opened up a bit more tonight to a large group of friends that I am moving to Paris.

I am scared.

Not so much of moving to Paris.

Oh, that I am just terrified of, but I am doing it anyway, so that’s just old news.

Nope, scared to say good-bye and scared to let people in and scared to fall on my face, very, very, very publicly.

But hey, I’m going to do it anyway.  I fall on my face all the time anyhow, I mean, what the fuck else is new?

Becoming more and more myself means letting more and more people see that there’s nothing here but a slightly insecure woman living her life out to the best of her abilities.

Really, let me give me some credit.  I know what I am doing is courageous.  It takes something to up and more and leave behind those that you love to do something that your heart yearns for.

Until recently I was more than willing to just let that be something I yearned for–Paris.  A silly, somewhat romantic, dream, never really to be fulfilled.

But wait, I am silly, somewhat romantic and dreamy.  Why not combined the two?

I got vulnerable tonight.  I saw Grecia, who is such an important person in my life and who was so important to Shadrach, that I feel like I know him really well, even though I don’t know him that amazingly well.  I know him through Shadrach.

Shadrach who is proud of me, beaming for me, flapping his angel wings together for me.  I just know it.

I got emotional and cried and I could feel it coming.  I had this well up of feeling and I just let myself have it.  I just let it bloom out of my chest and engulf me.  I admitted to a large group of people I wa moving to Paris and the relief was huge and scary and it all became even more real.

Even more.

I also saw myself wanting to act out pretty badly.  I want to sow some San Francisco oats.  I have two weeks, no three?  Then, yes, I am admitting it here to the world, it will be one year with no sex.

Gah.

How did this happen again?

And why didn’t I get laid left and right at Burning Man last year?  For fucks sake,  I was in my own trailer.  

Oh well.

A year.  A year to ripen into my own.

I am a peach ready for plucking.

I feel like I am going to drop into some one’s lap and just say, take me, just take me, have me, bite me.

Oof.

Ah, well, the summer will bring what ever it brings.

I do not need to go courting anything, it will happen or it won’t.  The thing is, I’ll go on being me no matter what.  Sitting here in my cubby, blogging away, dancing in my chair while the music beats out of my stereo.

I got an invitation to go do some dancing tonight, but it’s gay kid club night everywhere, that high holy holiday, Gay Pride, which is cool, but I don’t want to be a part of the party, it’s too much.

Maybe tomorrow night.

That is actually not a bad idea.  Go get my dance on.  When ever I get a craving for being kissed, I can go dance it out.

I did get to cut it up a bit last Friday at the show, but not as much as I wanted, it’s a little hard to let loose behind the dj booth with its limited space.

Two days off.

Maybe I’ll get a hold of Calvin and his girlfriend Diane, they like to go dancing and they have Mondays off.

I do have plans for meeting with Joan tomorrow, she’s in the city.  Looks like we’ll be going to do a little shopping.

I split my pants yesterday riding on the back of the motorcycle.

Oops.

I tell you, I have some strong thighs.

They just broke on out.

The jeans were also old and as anyone who ever rides a bicycle will tell you, you wear out the seat of your pants from riding and that’s pretty much what happened.  Although, I was not going to tell the guy.

Hey, check it out.

I am barely in control of myself and not about to flash a thigh full of flesh at some body, that might be a little unladylike, a touch unseemly.

I talk a big talk, but I’m not walking a big walk.  I don’t really know how.  I don’t know exactly how to put it out there.  And I am still in a nebulous area of either saying fuck it all, sort of literally, sort of figuratively, and then the other side of being a bit old school and trying my hand at the dating thing some more.

Ah, who the hell cares.

It’s stupid to even try–figuring it out is just a serious mind fuck.

I am just letting my head ramble on a bit.  I continued the living on the edge and had a late coffee this evening after work.  It was a long day, busy, shocking that, and I felt a little dragged out.  I got some caffeine up in Noe Valley along with a little sack of groceries.

I also got to be vulnerable.

I like how when I am in the middle of getting vulnerable, I go drift off into dating sexy sexy land.

How interesting.  Let’s ignore how I am feeling and think about getting laid.

I don’t want to start saying good byes yet.  But I have to put it out there.  It is going to happen.  I am going to leave.

So if you want to kiss me, you better do it now.

Um, I mean, I am going to miss each and every one of you, let’s have coffee soon.

Making out is optional.

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