Holding Space

by

I have to give myself props.

I held my own this weekend.

It was hard.

Harder than I thought it would be and, easy, so easy, why have I not done this before?

I went to the Russian River for a three-day weekend.  The traffic coming and going was pretty fierce, it ended up feeling more like a two-day weekend with the travel time that was eaten up there and back, though.

I did not succeed at everything I set out to do.  My food was a little sloppy, I grazed a little more than I ever do.  But I did not have sugar or anything else that triggers my own special brand of crazy.  It was just freaking challenging to have a bowl of cherries or strawberries or slices of pineapple every where I went.

Or the ribs.

Good grief there was some meat at this house party.  In fact, when my people get together, they bring the food with.  There was funnel cake, there was German chocolate cake, carrot cake with cream cheese, ribs, peach stuffed sausages, fried egg sandwiches on toasted sourdough with sliced sweet one hundred cherry tomatoes and spicy arugula.

We had so many beverages I was in the bathroom every other minute it felt like.  I certainly got my sparkling water intake on, that’s for sure.

I also got my love on.

Self-love, self-care, and self-nurturing came for me first.  I got up at a pretty normal hour every day that I was there.  I ate a good breakfast each day–day one, kamut with cinnamon and nutmeg, sliced apple, and chopped walnuts accompanied by many cups of coffee.  Day two I had brown rice with warm banana and strawberries, almond milk and cinnamon.  Delicious.

I wrote each day I was there.

I blogged each day I was there.

Despite not having any internet connection, I still wrote my blog.  And I took loads of pictures, loads.

I also did my morning pages.

And I meditated.  I sat on the grassy hill above the house each morning and I gave myself twenty minutes to sit and be still in my body.

I went for walks.  I discovered an old tire swing in the woods.  I smelled the trees over head.  I listened to the birds chatter.  I saw deer, raccoon, vultures, hawks, wild turkeys, and Piglets.

Well, Ms. Piglet is not much of a wild animal, the sweetest pit bull ever, I got some nice snuggles with her, although she does snore a little.

I let myself go swimming.

I sat in the hot tub, not once, but twice.

I showered and did my make up.  Because even out in the country under the looming redwoods, I like my glitter.

There were times I could have gotten caught up in the deliberate manufacture of misery and instead, I breathed and kept to myself.

I shared about moving to Paris.

Sometimes I just sat quietly and watched.  It was fascinating to see how we all got along with one another.

I even got in the hammock.

Hammock Time

Hammock Time

 

Yes, I lay in that hammock and listened to the babble of the stream, not once, but twice.

I also danced and sang and hot tubbed and laughed my self silly.

My favorite moments were the quiet ones though.  Mary and I talking about Paris today sitting on the back patio enjoying the last moments of sunshine before packing it in.

Bonne and I standing together in the river holding hands.

Joan and I sitting in the hot tub the first night before any one else got to the house, out under the stars.

Getting to know Deke better.

Hugging Rick.

Talking to Byron about traveling.

Some times I got over whelmed and when that happened I walked off.  Not too far, just down the road a few minutes, up the path outside and above the house, or I sat with a glass of sparkling water and just observed.

I am so glad I went.

I am so glad I have such good friends.

I am also glad that I am at ease in my own skin, that I have follow through, the I showed up for myself and held to what is important to me.

Some one once questioned why I wasn’t making more money and when they asked if they could give me an honest assessment of my financial situation they said, “you know, from what I see, you just don’t have much follow through.”

That stung.

But after taking a moment to actually access what I did this weekend, I saw, and quite clearly at that, I do have follow through.

I held my space.

I took my time.

I gave what I could give.

I did damn good.

I am not always great at autonomy or saying what I need for myself, but my God, I have done a lot of work.  Getting to see how much I have matured and seeing how far I have come gave me a glow that I can attribute to more than just laying about in the sun.

Although, that certainly did not hurt, laying out by the beach.

Sunbathing

Breaking out the swim suit

 

I took the time off from work and now I have a busy week, six days ahead of me.

But I can do it.

I have follow through.

And the honest assessment of having grown the fuck up, despite not having the bank account of an adult.

I have the habits of a mature woman.

I took the space I needed.

I gave myself the gift of being in my own skin, gave it time and silence, and then more, ultimately, wonderfully, was revealed.

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