No Burn For You

by

Well.

I thought maybe I was going.

In fact, I opened up my big mouth to my GM today after work and said, it looks like some one may need my nanny skills after all on playa, can I still take time off.

The answer was a resounding yes.

But the Universe was not giving me what I wanted.

I have absolutely no hate for that.

I did feel some disappointment, I realized I had gotten my hopes up and I got excited at the prospect of being out in the dust and doing another Burn before heading to Paris.

However, I also felt really good about myself for saying what I needed.  The interested party could not provide me with what I needed.  Not in any kind of sustaining way.

I have to self-support.  This is horrendously important to me.  I don’t have credit card debt.  I have no outstanding payments due anywhere.  I live entirely within my means. I have not borrowed money from some one in such a long time that I cannot even recall when the last time was.

I have experienced financial insecurity, sure, absolutely.  Fact is, I feel financially insecure right now.  However, my rent is paid and my phone is paid and my groceries are bought in cash and my clothes, toiletries, books, pens, paper, everything I have is paid for in complete full.

Yes, I do owe on my student loans.

But that is a debt to which I make payments every month and I whittle it down.  I whittle slowly, but whittle nonetheless.

The family sounded so sweet and so dear and I actually rather hit it right off with them when they called me this evening.  But they could not give me what I needed.

I “think” I should feel weird about asking for what I need and for charging for my services on playa.  But frankly, child care is serious business, and anyone who tells you different is either ignorant of what it takes or has not ever taken care of a child.

There is a survival guide that is given out to each and every person that goes out to Burning Man.  The ticket holder when purchasing their ticket is legally warned of the very real possibility of death or severe illness that can be indicative of the harsh environment.

You have to be prepared for it.

Then add in a child to the mix.  That is a hard job.  Being a nanny in normal day life is a challenge.  Being a nanny on the playa is double that.  There are ways to do it and do it well, but you have to be prepared.

Oh, that’s not to say that there is not fun to being a nanny on playa, but it can be really exhausting.  For me to take time off from work and not be supported out there and work without support is a no go deal.

I accept, then, that I am not going.

I made it pretty clear that I am willing to go, willing to be of service, willing to help.

But I have to help myself first.

I don’t know who I am trying to convince here.  I am experiencing some sadness at not going.  I was fairly resigned to it, then Megan sent me the nanny post and I got excited and I started making plans and trying to figure things out.

I knew that figuring things out is not my milieu, or my business, but I was beginning to dabble.  I was getting some big ideas, I was having some thoughts about ways of making it happen.

Making it happen.

In other words, manipulation.

Manipulation, which never works for me.  I resign.  I am resigned.  I am not going.

Deep collective sigh.

Funny, how hard it is to let go of certain ideas.  I wanted to be there for Shadrach’s anniversary.  I wanted to visit the temple.  I wanted.  I. I. I.

Want.

Mine.

More.

Me.

Nothing selfish here folks, just keep moving on by, nothing to see, nothing to look at.

The all about me show will now re-commence.

Then there’s the all about taking care of myself mode, which is really different.  Although, I used to have a tendency to confuse the two–self-care versus selfish.

Self-care means to nurture that which needs attending to so that I may better be of service to my community.

Selfish is magical thinking, not doing the work, manipulating to get a desired outcome.

I am doing the work.  I am letting go without being dragged.  Because, honestly, had I bent and said, ok, I’ll nanny for you in exchange for a ticket and some meals (no support, no lodging, no water, no transport, no money, no compensation), I would not be taking care of myself.

Further, I would be compromising myself and my health.

Sure, I could do it.  I could take out a credit card and run up some horrendous debt and go play in the playa.  But I would not be living the kind of life that I have grown accustomed to.

Knowing the value of what I earn.

Living within my means, even if they are currently quite slender.

Respecting my needs and not trying to get something from people who cannot afford to give it to me either.

The people who are looking for a nanny–they volunteer with the organization–they don’t get paid to go either.  It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever for them to pay for a nanny.  They can’t afford it.

I heard what they said and I thanked them for considering me.

I got back some really lovely compliments, they had heard through the grapevine about me and were supperaltively sweet and understood completely that I had to take care of myself.

It was a really great experience to honestly say, this does not work for me.  Thank you, but no thank you and leave it at that.

No Burn for me.

No burdening of others.

Despite the sadness I am quietly assured in my choice to be my own best advocate and not a burn out.

Even if that means pining for the playa inside, I get to experience the feeling without burying it and I get to be accountable for myself, my recovery, and my own personal care and happiness.

Really?

Not a bad trade off at all.

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