Temporary Digs

by

I missed my blog last night.

I missed this, sitting at the keyboard, a cup of Bengal spice tea steaming alongside me, listening to music, typing away about my day.

I forgot to bring my laptop with me to the house sitting gig and instead of writing I got myself situated.  I spread out a little, I played with the cats, I fed the fish, I still made tea, and I read for a little while in bed.

I thought I would have a hard time falling asleep, but no, Alex and Shannon’s bed is a dream.

Note to self, a nice bed really does make a difference.

Note to self, time to get a nice bed.

Well, maybe not quite yet, I think  a nice bed may cost as much as a ticket to Paris, so I doubt that I will be purchasing one any time soon, but my gosh, when I have some cash, and I am situated, preferably in Paris, I am going to invest.

I slept so well.

I fell asleep with Miss Penelope La Roux snuggle atop me.

Mushi deigned to let me pet him, but Miss La Roux and I could not get enough of each other.  I did not know how much I missed having a cat around.  Especially a snuggle bunny kitten.

She crawled all over me.  There was a moment when I thought, nope, I am going to be putting her out of the room, but the purring and the snuggling were too sweet to let go of and I drifted off on the cloud of a bed and was deliciously cradled and blissfully slept.

I fell asleep thinking of Robin and how much fun it was to flirt with him last night.  Some how it is ridiculously easy to flirt with some one when I don’t think it will go anywhere and I also found out he was not even here in town anymore.  I had just thought he was over in the Avenues living with his brother.

Nope.  He had moved back to Minnesota and was back for a job interview.

Minnesota, the Avenues, really, about the same difference.

I had not seen him in some time and it was fun to reconnect.  I briefly flirted with idea of just blatantly propositioning him, but I could not quite do it.

I fell asleep thinking it would be fun to just make out and have a good snuggle with the boy, and boy is about the gist of it, he is a young’un.

Then, out of the blue, this morning I woke up from a dream.  A dream where I was looking at some one who was looking at me with those fathomless blue eyes that know you like them and maybe they like you, but they are certainly not going to say anything, now are they?

It was 6:39 a.m.

I cannot remember the last time I actually woke up during a dream.  It has been a long time.  I do dream, but as I keep myself so busy, I rarely wake in the night to dreams.  My REM cycle is quite undisturbed.

I have very vivid dreams and when I remember them I remember them in Technicolor.

His eyes, wide sky blue, deep, wry, quixotic.

I did not fall asleep again thinking of Robin, that’s for sure.

Although, I did awaken to a flirtatious text from the boy.

As though it was going to go anywhere.  Fly away pretty young one, back to the land of 10,000 Lakes from whence you came.

I will say this much, it is nice being paid attention too.  I don’t know if it is because I have become so easy in my skin or if it’s just the hounds sniffing the departure date.

Perhaps it is because I am more and more embracing my authentic self.  That ended up being my ideal.  When I left Carolyn that was the summation of the inventory, the cherry on the sundae, so to speak.

A sea salted carmelized sundae of humility with a pickled sour Queen Anne cherry perched a top mounds of whipped love.

I really do feel inwardly re-arranged, it does happen.  The metamorphoses is not complete, but I feel freer than I have ever felt before.  More at ease, more relaxed, more authentically me.

Softer.

Tempered.

Striped down to the essential me.

My heart has felt outside of my rib cage and I feel an exquisite ache in my breath in my throat, in my shoulders, in my bones.

The ride has been tumultuous and the hallway long.

I was so entrenched in my old ideas of self it is hard to believe I was able to dig my way out.  I am resoundingly grateful that I allowed the pain to swallow me whole and spit me back out onto the beach of a new world, a new self, a new landscape.

I can remember with all too much alacrity how desperate I was in December and January.  How difficult it was to be in a new job and not have a place to live.  I felt absolutely adrift.  I cannot recall a birthday where I cried more, sobbed really, sober and bereft and barren.

I was lonely at Christmas.  I was working on New Years.  I was shedding my old self and the peeling off of all the things I thought I needed to have sloughed away like phantoms of irony and bitter tea leaves.

I thought I knew what I wanted.  I thought I knew what I was supposed to be doing.

I was nowhere near, nowhere close, and I was as close to miserable and adrift as I had been in some time.

I had opened up the door and stepped out into the hallway and I had absolutely no idea how long that bitch was going to be.

Had I known, of course, I would probably still be a nanny, adrift in potty training and nanny cams and miserable and isolated, wandering around Mission Bay interacting only with the barista at Peasant Pies.

I was living my life without salt, not even knowing that I had the option to season my fare.

It just took a lot of tears and voila, after a lot of dragging, I finally let go.

Surrendered.

I went over to the winning side, once again, and now, although I still am in the hallway, I see it as a new adventure rather than a sentence.

It could be argued, I suppose, that life is just one long hallway, from that first stunning, shocking entry point, until the end focus point of hyacinth light, perfumed with love and acceptance.

I don’t want to be there yet, although I can feel that I am closer to that focal point than the beginning, I still believe that the best is yet to come.

May it be that I get to end it adrift in a clotted drift of warm bedded bliss, my own preferably.

Until that may happen, I will happily enjoy every moment that I get in the next few weeks in this borrowed bed.

Drowsed and warmed by a small friendly cuddle beast of a kitten.

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