Soft

by

It was unexpected, the amends thing.

What happened.

How it went.

The delay in the renegotiation of Carmen.

I became something else today, some one else today, some one different, more approachable, more…

“Touchable,” he said in the car driving me home from San Francisco International Airport.

“Yes,” I nodded, in the dark, the freeway whisking past, the giant girders of the freight yards in Oakland looming in the shadows, the lights of the city pearling around me.

“More in touch with the moment,” he added.

Did he just say more touchable?

Yes, I believe he did.

Will Chase, not that Will Chase, told me at Burning Man this year he was glad to see me in a different work position as I had always been so untouchable.

I see a thematic here.

My mom and I had a fight this morning.

It was terrifying and sad and hard and I saw the wall, I saw the wall so clearly, so distinctly so about to be raised.  I could feel the bridge being hauled up over the moat and I could see myself retreating back into the dark.

And then I stopped.

A voice in my head said, “be the adult here.”

Then it added, “or do you want to come back and make amends for this later?”

I was about to detach by dropping a brick wall.

I was about to detach by dropping a machete.

I took a really deep breath and realized that I had to be the one that made the move.  It did not matter what I felt, it did not matter who was right.

All that mattered was clearing the air and communicating the best way I knew how, and it was not pretty and it there was a lot I did not say, but I made the approach and I sat and listened.

I was not the child cowering in a corner.

Nor was I the teenager that split last night and walked the block having a phone conversation with a boy about stealing a golf cart and going to make out on the back nine.

Of course, that was never really an option, said boy being in San Francisco and said golf green being in a 55 and up retirement village.

The only “boys” about were good ole boys.

And there was to be no making out with them even if I had gotten the oogley eye or two from a couple of them.

No you can’t look at my tattoos closer up pervert, shoo.

I really did have a moment last night when it got to be too much and I left the house and made some phone calls.  I cannot stand to be around my mom when she is having a fight with the boyfriend.

Weirds me right the fuck out.

They had kissed and made up by the time I was up and about this morning.

However, the charge was still in the air and I did not realize it and I walked right into it and my mom got angry.

Which with just a few thousand miles perspective I can suddenly see as a fear response.

She was afraid I would withdraw my love again.

And she might have been right, except I was more interested in being happy, joyous, and free.

I was more interested in being happy than right.

The woman, and I do not say woman lightly, it did happen, it happened like he said it would but not like how I expected it to go, got up from the kitchen table and made the approach.

I cannot in my life time remember approaching my mother ever to make it right.

The attitude has always been run away or ignore it until it went away.

But it never really went away and running away from myself is no longer an option.

We had rocky communication, but it was communication and it was a new kind of beginning.

And she freaking over shared beyond belief and it does not matter.

I am not there anymore.  I can truly love from a distance.

I can ask for help, should the time or place arise.

Not that I want to or am counting on doing so.

I also absolved her of the money.

I forgave the debt.

Once upon a time a similar debt was absolved for me and I ran it by John Ater and it felt right to do so.  My mom’s company was enough.  I do not need blood money.

Nor money that felt like it could have strings attached.

Nope.

I let it go.

And I feel even more free for having done that.

Even more open and available.

I have held onto this idea for so long that I should get this money that I never even realized the great big rock of shit I was holding onto that got in the way of me being open and available to true financial success.

I open my arms to the abundance that is all around me, I dropped the imaginary and I made myself available to what is truly supposed to be mine.

What ever that is, however that may come, it can come now, there is a space there for it.

My chest feels free, I can breathe.

Maybe it is just being out of central Florida, maybe it was seeing the girls on the corners tonight, maybe it is just one more thing cleaned up so that I may move forward towards Paris.

I do not know.

I do not care.

I have softened.

I have grown touchable.

Pausing to insert theme song from Rocky Horror Picture Show, Susan Saradon singing, “touch-a-touch-a-touch me, I wanna feel dirty.”

And now back to our regularly scheduled program of enlightenment and Stuart Smalley aphorisms.

sincerely yours,

A soft touch.

 

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