Out And About

by

Well, tonight, all I really wanted was to get home, not so much out and about.

However, I have officially changed the thrust of my blog and it is no longer “Life in San Francisco”.

It is “out and about”.

I do not know if that is going to stick.  In fact, I am already wondering if that makes me sound like I am coming out.

Which I am not, just for the record.

Nor am I in the closet.

I am a devout heterosexual.

I like the lads not the ladies.

So, hmm, yeah, that may have to change.  On the lam?

That could work.  I mean I do not plan on being legally in Paris.

Shhh.  Don’t tell.

Although if it happens, I am all for it.

Matt came by the shop today and we caught up briefly between customers and invoices and bike shop chatter.  He and I readily agreed on the fact that I have absolutely no idea what is going to happen.

And today instead of being afraid of that, I am embracing the hell out of it.

My wildest dreams could not have pointed me in this direction a year ago.

Moving to Paris was definitely on my menu, but it was not as real as it is now.  I also thought I was going to be moving to Paris to be a nanny.

I am not going to be a nanny.

I am nanny no more.

I will do other jobs.

I will not say never, ever, ever, but let me put it this way, if child rearing is going to happen in my future, I prefer that it be one of my own rather than some one else’s.  I am not interested in pursuing that career regardless of my abilities or if it could work out well for me.

I also do not want to be a masseuse a waitress or a bike shop girl.

I am not interested in being a working girl, I see enough of them around here to see that there is really no fun to be had corner sitting while waiting for a John at 10a.m.

I am also not interested in being a kept girl.

Despite what some have suggested.

I am no ones mistress.

Just simply my own.

My perspective is limited and my scope is limited and my view is limited.

I limit myself all the time.

“You can’t do that, shouldn’t try this, don’t go there, be careful or else….”

I am tired of putting limits on what I can or cannot do.

One thing that has stuck with me in my mind since my Florida trip to see my mom is something she said about me as a child.  She said that when I put my mind to do something I did it.  I was determined.  I followed through.  I have tenacity.

I am tenacious.

I like saying that word, tenacious.

  1. Not readily letting go of, giving up, or separated from an object that one holds, a position, or a principle: “a tenacious grip”.
  2. Not easily dispelled or discouraged; persisting in existence or in a course of action: “a tenacious legend”

Yup.

I can agree with that.

I also, however, want to be flexible in my tenacity.  I do not want to be stubborn, I do not want to hold onto the old ideas of you do not have enough to do or go or try.

What did Yoda say?

‘There is no try, only do.”

Well, I am going to do.

I am going to just show up.

I am going to get out and about and let things happen.  I do not have to make things happen, which is also an old tired worn out threadbare scraped down to the bone marrow idea.

You see, I have no use for it.

Despite holding onto the thought from time to time that I can make stuff happen.

I cannot make any thing happen.

I can, however, do the work, I can get out and about, I can go shake it, I can get myself into right action and I can let go of the results.

I have a secret I have not shared much about since I have been doing some pretty big amending my ways life style kind of work.

I am not seeing a change.

I was talking to John about how I keep expecting some white lightning moment, some sort of promise to materialize right in front of me.  Some sort of sign.  Some burning bush thing.

I have been doing some hard-core work and I do not feel like I am seeing any pay off.

Ah and there’s the rub, there is not supposed to be a pay off.

I am just supposed to be able to go free and clear with a light conscience onto the next phase of my development.

But I want a cookie.

Or at least a pat on the back.

A job well done.

How horrid, I want a reward.

And I know better.

My expectations have been pretty high and my feelings around what I have been doing have been rather flat, tepid, not really there.

A little relief here.

A little relief there.

But I still feel pretty much the same.

I did think I was going to have some earth shattering spiritual fire bomb of goodness.

Well, I did get laid both times right there after having done some amends (I have however done seven and I want more, more, more.  I am greedy too).

That could be ground shaking.

Or bedframe shaking.

Baha.

It just is never what I think it is going to be.

That is the gist of it.

It does not matter what the name of my blog is, Out and About with Auntiebubba.

Oh, fuck, yes it does too.

I need a better tag line.

Auntie Bubba, woman of the world.

Auntie Bubba does it better.

Auntie Bubba, say it enough times and it makes no sense.

I am more than a blogger, more than a bike shop girl, more than the sum of my amends, I am a poet, a dreamer, a schemer, a traveller, a lady, a star-gazer, a dancer, a lover, I am tender, and silly, and I laugh loudly and long.  I am a Burning Man attendee, a participant in the Universe, an active listener.

I am Carmen Regina Martines, you drank my milk, prepare to die.

Auntie Bubba, Where Are You Going?

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