On The Runway


That is what this feels like right now.

I am sitting on the runway waiting for the plane to be given permission to fly.

I have had so many people ask me when I am leaving in the last couple of days that I feel compelled to say, “TOMORROW!” and run away from the action.

I am holding myself still.  Letting today be today and just taking what ever comes as it comes.  I am still here.  I am still in this city, or this other city, for a few more weeks.

I want to be present and see what is happening right now as the gift that it is.

I feel greedy and jealous with time and also, lax and lackadaisical, as though I have all the time in the world.

But I do not.

I have a limited amount left and as I gather those people to me that I wish to spend time with it is increasingly clear that I really am moving away.

One indicator was the package I recieved at work today.

I got a pair of Skullcandy Hesh headphones.  I am over the Iphone earbuds, they are too big and they hurt my ears.  After the flight to and from Florida I realized that I needed good head phones and I was going to treat myself to a decent set for the flight to Paris.

And they arrived today.

I rocked them out on the BART ride back to Oakland.

I am liking very much.

As I stood up to get off the BART with my big white head phones perched on my head and the lights of the Fruitvale BART station parking lot winking on the other side of the glass, I realized that I have an end in sight.  I have a few more times on the BART and then that is it.

I am off.

Those white headphones were intended for travel and travel they shall.

I also got a phone call from Henry Hall, an old friend, my oldest friend.  He and his partner just bought a house, they close tomorrow.

I laughed and caught up with him briefly before he was called back to work and I to the road to ride to BART.

I told him, I always expected that he would be the one traveling and I would be the one settling down and having babies.

Although this is not entirely true.

I thought he would be the traveler and I would just be miserable, pining after him.

Pine no more.

I am over that relationship.

I have no desire for him, his life, or his children.

Such a refreshing place to be and I could hear in his voice the confidence in me, that he knew I was going to go, that he knew that I was going to move to Paris.

He said, “why, it’s the next logical step!  It is exactly where you are supposed to be.  Exactly.”

I am grateful my friends have such fire-brand belief in me.

I do too, but it comes and it goes and there are plenty of times when I think this is all pure bravado, I will be on the plane, it will be on the runway, and I will suddenly think, what the fuck am I doing?  Let me off.


That won’t happen either.  It will be much more quiet.

I will sit by the window, I will look out over the water and the hills and the city and I will see those things that I always see and I will feel the rush of the plane lifting off and I will know that once again I am on my way and headed home.

I will remember the first time landing in SFO.

I will remember all the times I left and came back.

I do not believe I will be coming back in the same standing.  I may come back for a visit, to get a work VISA.  But I know not that either.

I have no agenda.


But I have no agenda.

Go to museums.

But, no, I have no agenda.

Walk around in the rain and sit in cafes.

Eat shellfish on shave ice.

Go to midnight mass at Notre Dame.

Sit on the steps to Sacre Coeur.

Wipe the tears from my eyes when it suddenly hits me out of nowhere that I live in Paris.


Just got off the runway and into Fantasy Island.

Stay present Martines.

There are still things to do here.

People to do.

I mean see.

I mean do.

Uh yeah.


Tanya said yesterday I was getting to practice dating before moving somewhere where the men will be all over me.

Kristin said more or less the same.

I am not used to dating, I am not used to seeing more than one person.  I am not sure how this goes.

Brown chicken.  Brown cow.

But I am having fun.

I will have some more fun on Friday too.

I will stay present and not check out and not day-dream about Paris.  I will do things to prepare.  I will take care of myself.  I will make plans to see people and have coffee and exchange information and numbers and Skype.


Acknowledging my sadness over not getting to work more with Carolyn.  It hit me pretty hard tonight.  And I have to say I am so grateful that I decided to go deeper, despite what my head said was not necessary, it really, really was.

Spiritual work, that constant and insistent blow to my ego.

“Your ego is not your amigo,” is what Si Payne used to say.

How true.

That being said, I still do need to ask for help with the move and getting some things together.

I need to get luggage and I need to sell the last of my clothes that are not coming with and I need to go get a decent winters coat, I have been assured a number of times I will want one.  A good umbrella.  Finding out how to put my phone to sleep.

Saying good-bye.

That I do not have to figure out quite yet.

Stay present, Martines.

There are still experiences to be had.

And have them I shall.

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