Accept and say “Thank You”

by

Fuck.

That is what I get when I speak with John Ater.

That and a face full of tears.

I told him about the nanny gig I had turned down and he spoke to me of ego, humility, and my lack thereof.

Sigh.

I will be making a phone call tomorrow upon getting up and see if the position is still available.  And I will shut the hell up about it not being enough money.

When one does not have money coming in, aside from the part-time I have for the next four days, then one does not have a leg to stand on.

That being said, if I scrape it together and work an extra hour or two, I may actually make rent.

May.

I got a few extra hours today at my little gig in the 7th arrondissement.  And they asked me to stay a little longer tomorrow as well.  With that and New Years I may get to rent.  It will be close, but I may get there.

The check in with John was just what I needed.

I admitted that I was having a hard time, it is harder than I thought, but he said, until I was out of my first three months here it was probably going to feel that way.

Then I would be more comfortable, things would not be so strange, I might even have a little steady cash coming in, and then I would be here and a year would go by, and the two-year marker he keeps talking about will set in and then, suddenly, I will never want to go back again.

I told him I found myself homesick for Oakland of all places.

I thought he was going to spit up on the monitor he was laughing so hard.

Hmmmm.

What would you pick?

Oakland?

Or.

Paris?

Yeah, just writing that makes me see how silly it is.  I just had a moment, it is passing.

The walk today actually helped me quite a bit.  I got a good stretch out of my legs and walked along the Seine and took a few photographs.

Taking out my camera always helps.  I don’t mind looking like a tourist, have you seen Paris?  It’s over run with tourists.

Last night, walking along the Champs Elysees I nearly swooned with the crush of people, day after Christmas early evening crazy that was happening.  I have never seen so many people for so long, block after block after block, I thought it would never stop.

I had gotten on the wrong Metro line and instead of trying to wiggle around underground correcting it, I just thought, I will walk along the Champs Elysees and just cruise down.

There was no cruising.

It was insanity.

I do not want to know what it must look like during high tourist season.

Ack.

I also will be here when high tourist season starts and hopefully ends.

Barnaby has renewed the lease, I am a listed tenant/occupant and there it begins.

I am on a lease.

I am going to pay rent.

I am going to take that nanny gig, if it is still available, and if it’s not, I will get my humble pants on and look harder.

I will not look another gift-horse in the mouth.

John also reminded me that I did not know what I was turning my nose up on.

I realized that and kicked myself.

I thought I was being pro-active and taking care of myself and saying what I needed.

But it is not what I need if I turn down something and do not have anything else in the wings.

I feel fairly stupid and yes, I did shed a tear or two.

John gets me there right off the bat.

After my long walk today I ended up in the 7th on Rue Breutille, to take care of three little monkeys, 7-years, 5 years, and 3 years old.  We watched videos, cut out snowflakes, played with stickers, read lots of books, had pizza for dinner (well they had pizza, I made oatmeal, not much in the house for me to nibble on), snuggled one another and made long distance phone calls.

Oh that is right, I called the states.

The dad said, “feel free to make long distance calls, anywhere in the world, we get free calls with our service.”

I could barely wait for them to leave.

I called my mom.

I called Joan, John, Jennifer, Beth, and started to call a few others, but there are only so many ways to make a phone call when you have that many monkeys scrambling about for your attention.

I only actually got through to my mom.

It was nice to wish her a happy anniversary, a belated Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.  We did not talk too long, but she sounded good and it was nice to say hello.

John and I Skyped.

He asked immediately if I was wearing eye-make up and will wonders never cease?  I was, but it was waterproof.

He was pretty impressed.

I know he is right, I flipped him off, and I got some humble pie on.

I got some right sized on and I get to make a phone call tomorrow and see if I can amend my assholeness.

I won’t count on it, but I am taking the action anyway.

Last thing I want to tell my room-mate, I am just now realizing, gah, I am a fuck, that if you can’t pay rent, you certainly don’t want to tell the roomie that you turned down a paying gig of any kind because it wasn’t enough.

It is enough.

At least for now.

At least until something else comes in.

It is better than nothing coming in.

Thank you John, I wills start by accepting your suggestions and go from there.

Humility.

So tasty, even in Paris.

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