Do NOT Go Softly


Into that good night.

These were the words that reverberated in my head as I looked up into the darkening gloom which advertised better than my watch how I have spent the entire, well, almost entire, day on the couch watching the West Wing.

I have not gotten dressed.

Albeit I have also not spent the day sprawled about naked.

I have been in my pajamas all day long.

This activity, or lack there of, was broken up by a few phone calls to my bestest girlfriend, and a few tears.

Sometimes you just got to take a mental health day.

Fortunate for me that day was today and it is Sunday and there was not much work to be done.

I did do some work, I was not a complete sloth.

I put in an hour on a proposal for a new client at the design firm and I made some phone calls.  I took out the recycling and the compost.

I made my bed.

And today I did not drink, smoke crack, cigarettes, tar heroin, snort cocaine, eat ice cream or have sex with strangers.

I ate a lot of popcorn, watched quite a few episodes from the first season of the West Wing and did my best to let myself have a down day.

I am not the kindest to myself and I knew this was coming.

I sort of courted it in a manner of speaking.

I think, no, I believe, I needed to let myself have a day to process the fear and let it dissipate out.  This had not been easy, these five weeks back.  I have made distinct progress getting back into the flow and the lay of the land, but that does not make it easy.

I have this tendency to not acknowledge my hard work.

I have both a super-heated and super-expanded ego and a martyr complex.

Neither thing are helpful.

That I can see them, that this happens in my life, that I will most likely continue to forget, relearn and excoriated myself will also continue to happen.

Of that I can be assured.

There is something though to all of this that I am hyper aware of, I am seeing it all.

I am seeing it.

I am talking about it.

I am acknowledging it.

Now, what I would like, and it’s a work in progress, so who the hell knows, is to take this information, I mean I have to treat it like it’s information and not get judgemental about it, to factor it in and not let it rule my life.

To be kind to myself, compassionate, and see that yeah, I have been holding on tight to those reigns and that it does not serve me to go pell mell like this about my life.

I will be up tomorrow and I will go to the city and do some work then I will come back to the East Bay and I will do some work and then I will go do some more work.

Now, that sounds like going off pell mell.

I know it, I can see it, and I am going to rectify it.

The first thing I must do is be aware.

Awareness, acceptance, action.

I cannot take action, which is generally the first reaction to anything that causes me discomfort, without acceptance of the situation and I cannot accept without awareness.

It used to be that it would take months, even years, for me to become aware of something.

It happens faster and faster now that I see things coming, that I intuit situations, that I have self-awareness and actualization around my own inner issues.

So, I let myself off, I shared with my dear friend and confidant and I watched a lot of television.

So be it.

I wrote too, I wrote this morning and I am writing now and I started writing the edits that my boss wants me to make around the new proposal.  I enjoyed researching and sitting with my notebook open jotting down notes and synonyms and antonyms and looking up adjectives.

I am a writer, this stuff is fun for me.

Really, it is.

I have a preponderancy to want to use original language, to get across an idea and to use succulent words to do so.  I know that I need clean, concise phrasing when doing this work and I know that I will make some mistakes, but the excitement that pelted around in my brain when I was looking over the document was not to be denied.

I have not felt this excited to do work in a long time.

To use my skills and craft and way-wordedness.

I think, no, I believe, that I will continue to quite enjoy doing this.

I am aware that I have been not so nice to myself and I am aware that there is no one else to blame for this.  Aware too that I have no desire to continue, I accept that this is a product of how I was brought into the world and I do not judge nor make judgements around my parents, my peers, myself, or my life.

Judgement does me not an iota of good.

But learning?

Learning is good.

Forgiveness is better.

Shedding some tears is just another way for pain to leave the body.

Shed a few tears, slide down on the couch, let my heart-break open in the twilight rooms of Graceland and spend some time recuperating and resting.

These things needed doing and I did them.

Now for the rest of tonight, I still don’t get to beat myself up.

I get to take the information gathered herein, yup, my old archaic word friend, and use it to strike a balance, in my heart, in my head, in my body.

See, and look with out dispute or despair and see that I am powerless and that is alright.

Surrender to it.

In the surrender I let go the idea that I am wrong or this is wrong, or that change is not a changing.

It is.

It’s all good.

And so am I.

Little jagged out around the West Wing, but you know, who wouldn’t be?

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