Checking Out



I just want to watch some West Wing and not think or move.

I nanny’ed today and the mom was at home sick.

That is not a horrible thing, mom’s get sick, kids get sick, it just means I was hyper vigilant.

I felt like I was on high alert and my best behavior and all that.

I took them out to the park and had a fabulous time.

We sat in the sand box, which is like the nicest sandbox in the world, we were at the Golden Gate Park recreation area for kids towards the front of the park.  It is a playground heaven.

I put the babies back to back on the swings and they had a blast.

My feet hurt, my back hurts, and my brain hurts.

Not from the nanny, the last, just a lot of awesome e-mails from my boss at the design firm and some things that need sussing out tomorrow.  I just got a smidgen overwhelmed when I opened up the inbox on my gmail and saw all the messages.


But tomorrow is another day, a day where I don’t have any nanny.

To make up for this I have a double on Thursday again.

This was not planned, but since I am short shifted three shifts this week, I took it.

I need to do a small bit of schedule arranging, but for the most part, tomorrow I am staying put.  I will work remote, no parking tickets here please, and stay in the East Bay.

I’ll be back in San Francisco on Friday for errands and meet ups and seeing ladies.

I may also try to get out dancing, I will have the car for one last day and that could be a fun thing to do.  I also was debating going to the ecstatic dance tomorrow night on Telegraph.

I am so tired out though, that’s the thing when thinking about how I will feel tomorrow–I don’t know, I am too tired to figure it out.  When I feel good it is easy to say, yes!  Let’s do something, too often I say yes let’s do something when I am feeling smashing and have no clue how I will feel the day of the event or the night.

Not only do I need to learn how to say, “let me get back to you on that,” with friends, colleagues, nanny gigs, life, I need to say it to myself.

Let me get back to you.

I will have a better idea how I will feel tomorrow to make decisions about tomorrow.

I tried to get out a little tonight, but after the long day, not helped by the inability to take my bike on BART from the MacArthur station during morning rush, so I drove in to the city and right into the 45 minute wait at the toll plaza.

There was an accident this morning.

Then this evening when all I wanted to do was get back to the house sitting gig and make dinner (normally I would have eaten dinner at the nanny gig, but mom being around cooking up dinner, it just didn’t seem a good time), it was the Giants game traffic.


I don’t need to do any driving tomorrow.

Unless I do go dancing, but I doubt that there will be traffic heading to a non-alcoholic ecstatic dance space and studio in Berkeley.

Again, that’s tomorrow.

I feel quite unfocused right now, back hurts, neck hurts, feet hurts.

Wait, I wrote that already.

Ah ha!

Fuck me, why don’t I get a massage tomorrow?

Or some sort of body work or a soak in a hot tub somewhere.

I mean, damn it, I work my ass off and yes I know I could use the money somewhere else, rent, groceries, clothes, but fuck, I could use a damn massage.

This is when I want a boyfriend.

That and when I want sex.

So pretty much I always want a boyfriend.

I was thinking about that last night as I was tossing and turning trying to go to sleep early since I had a 6:30 a.m. alarm set–the time I needed to eat breakfast, do my morning routine, and write, before getting to the 8:45a.m. start for my 9 hour day of nanny (which actually did not get started until 9 a.m. what with the hideous traffic).

Sleeping with someone.

Not the act of sex, but the actual act of sleeping with someone.

It’s been a long time since I slept wrapped around someone.

I miss it.

I had not realized that, I do miss it.

I miss falling asleep laying against a man.

Well, what do you know.

News to me as I continue to think I will never fall asleep in a man’s arms again.


No sign of that, despite the nice dinner I had last week with the Mister.

One teeny tiny text message that was a response to the thank you I sent him three days after the dinner date.  “More to come….”

More to come when motherfucker?

Uh, um, uh, excuse me.

I meant, “do you have a date in mind?”

I am not holding my breath mister busy pants.

So, trying to be here, trying to not check out, too much, just be present as much as I can.

Alright, I lie, I am ready to down load a bad romantic comedy and eat some popcorn.

We shall see what happens.

Regardless, nothing’s really wrong and I don’t think my nanny hangover will be too bad, and I will sleep in tomorrow and either get some body work done or go dancing or fuck it, maybe both.

I will also call up a girl friend and see how she’s doing.

That always takes me out of my head.

The best way to check out is to ask after someone else.

So, how are you doing?

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