Third Time’s The Charm

by

And I am the asshole.

I knew it.

I was going to get myself in trouble, so I actually decided to take a break from riding home on my bicycle and deposit the paycheck I had gotten for this week’s nannying.

I was the asshole.

I am the asshole.

It is a spiritual axiom that anytime I yell at three people in a row, I’m the asshole.

Ok, well, maybe it’s not a spiritual axiom, but I know when I am off the beam.

I was off the beam.

I can normally handle the spate of International between 7th and 12th pretty well, it’s actually a decent patch of road, there’s a little park, there’s a community, there’s a lot of decent smelling restaurants, tons of Vietnamese food, and there’s a lot of folks that just don’t use their turn signals.

I got pulled out in front of three times in those blocks and I just about lost it.

I knew I was losing it and I also knew why.

I was hungry.

Yeah, that stupid shit, hungry, angry, lonely, tired?

It’s so damn true.

I was hungry and getting angry and lonely, you betcha.

All by myself all day long in my head ruminating on how I am going to ask for a raise and also knowing that when I am uber fixated on something that it is not the solution and that I need to pause.

I got pissed at the family that does the nanny share with my normal family.

They really haven’t been much for the share and they really bug the fuck out of me.

And I really needed to see my part.

Which I just did and I did some writing and I did some reaching out and I also did some getting off the road and seeing that there’s nothing wrong, anywhere, anyhow.

When I get freaked out about money I get freaked out in general and then I become a bitch.

To myself mostly, why don’t you ask for what you need, what’s your problem, I need to advocate for myself and I did check in with a friend yesterday who basically said the same thing, you’re being underpaid.

Ask for more.

John Ater said the same thing, “you’re selling yourself short.”

I did some research, really unneccessary research, I already know that I am under market value, but then, that’s always what I do, I undervalue myself and my experiences.

I have been saying it’s not a big deal because I don’t have a lot of costs at the moment.

But that doesn’t matter and I certainly am under no obligation to work on the cheap because my overhead is low.

It won’t be for long, not with an imminent move back to San Francisco.

I just have to walk through this and maybe say, “hey, you know what, I don’t want to do a nanny share with the other family, it’s not worth my time and it’s not worth it to me financially, I have had three?  Four? Interactions with them and they are not bad people, I just don’t want to work with them.

I can’t quite pin it, but I am not comfortable with the way they have engaged with me, or not engaged with me, as the case may be.

I am also obessesed with convincing the parents of the three other families I do like working for that I am worth a raise.

I already figured out what I need to ask for.

I just have to pause though, and clear the air, and clear my head.

Which is why the writing is good, turning toward someone else, seeing where else I can be of service, and I just had an idea of who I need to call.

I am going to pause and actually do that right now.

There, just offered up some service, that feels better.

I also ordered, finally, after looking at the damn thing for the last month, a new bicycle seat for my Burning Man bicycle.

Three weeks on playa, I am going to need a comfortable saddle, I am going to be doing a lot of riding, especially since I won’t be staying where I have stayed the last few burns.

Wow.

This is going to be burn number seven for me.

Seven.

In addition to the bike seat I also got a basket for the handle bars and a pennant flag for the back bracket–makes it easier to see where I parked it.

I got everything I need now.

Well, I will probably need to stock up on baby wipes.

I usually do.

I am planning on doing some organizing this weekend of my Burning Man stuffs.

Just pull out the bins and make sure they are tidy.

Not that they’re not, I am a tidy person, but just see what there is there and see what I may need to supplement.  I don’t believe I have to do anything, other than the aforementioned baby wipes and some bedding.

I have a sleeping bag, but I ditched my pillows last year, they got gross, candle wax got spilled on them and they were tossed.

Other than that, I am realizing I have a fairly free weekend.

I have to do some grocery shopping, down to my last nibbles, unless I want to subsist on oatmeal for the next couple of days.

Not that I do.

Ah, and look at that, no one’s an asshole anymore.

I got fed, got hydrated, did some writing, let go the results, said yes to a speaking engagement, and confirmed my day for the morrow.

The nanny stuff will work out, without me obsessing, and my bike parts are on order and will come in before I leave for playa.

Problems?

What problems?

 

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