You Have to Ask For What You Want

by

Of course, you first may need to know what the fuck that is.

I was talking to the ladies at tea today and having a moment of testing the new waterproof eyeliner I had bought this past week, not waterproof, and having my moment.

I had some questions in regards to what to charge for some services and I got a lot of input, shortly on the heels of some dating suggestions, and I was suddenly just overwhelmed and the tears began to fall.

My girlfriends love me and want what’s best for me, but I have been trained so well to not ask for what I need that I have a hard time articulating it.

I usually know, at least after some practice, some therapy, some more practice, and a lot of inventory, what I don’t want, and that’s a start.

I did not want to go to the interview I had today for a possible nanny position in the NOPA neighborhood.

I felt overwhelmed with the cobbling together of hours and times and needs of families and schedules and how am I going to make this all happen.

“Honey, I am just saying, you don’t have to do this,” my friend said, “you are going to be in demand the minute that you put out there what you really want.”

She suggested that I write it down and really be specific.

I have been thinking about it all day, especially as I did not cancel on the family in the NOPA and their daughter is wicked adorable, 19 months and a little spit fire, but that I could already see myself walking into a situation that may not best serve my needs.

My needs.

What are my needs?

Let’s start with the most basic basics:

1. Rent $1200 a month plus utilities, let’s just call it $1275 as I don’t know yet what my first utility bill is going to be.

2. $239.40 student loan

3. $81.94 phone bill

4. $450 groceries

5. $60 recovery

6. $50 toiletries

7. $25 transportation costs

8. $25 books or magazines

9. $25 writing materials

10. $40 cafes

11. $40 restaurants

12. $125 clothes

13. $40 entertainment

14. $25 artist dates

15. $200 savings

16. $25 misc

Total: $2611.24

This means that I must make weekly $652.81.

This is a bare minimum.  I would like to make more and spend more.  I would like to knock out my debt to Barnaby a little quicker (thus the money into savings, I have about $850 of the $1350 plane ticket saved aside in my emergency fund at the moment).

I am not asking for much with my ideal, at least for the time being, is not a great deal more than that basic spending plan.  I would like to make $800 a week to start out.

Last week I did ok and I will do ok this week as well, closer to the first number than the latter.

I had it once suggested to me that I not pay more than one weeks worth of my monthly income to rent.  That would mean making $1200 a week.

That is doable, but I am not sure as a nanny that I am going to swing that.

What I would like to swing, if wishes were horses beggars would ride, does not seem too far off the mark though.

I want to, sigh, spit it out, have one kid, work with one family, make as a start $20 an hour, full-time, 40 hours a week, with paid vacation and sick time.

I am more than willing to do a share and I like doing them, so if I were to do a share I want $26 an hour for two and I don’t want to do three.

Three is too much.

I can do it, but there is not rest and there is not the kind of engaging I want to have with the children.

What else do I want?

I don’t want to start any earlier than 8:30 a.m.

I don’t want to work any later than 6 p.m.

I want to be treated as an equal and not a servant.

I want to work for people who are smart and creative.

I want my transportation costs covered.

I want to work in San Francisco, the closer to where I live the better.

I have had all these things in the past, I have had them, however, not all at the same time.

I have made stellar money as a nanny, $950 a week, under the table, 10 pto days a years, bonuses at Christmas and my birthday, but was treated like a servant, asked to not use certain bathrooms in the house, was constantly micro-managed, and they had no art on the walls.

I hated working for them.

I have worked for far less and worked for fantastically amazing creatives who blew my mind and I loved working with them.

“Maybe you are trying too hard to re-create that first relationship,” my friend astutely observed when I parried her suggestion with the I want to work for ‘Burning Man’ people cop out excuse I use to justify why I am not working for people that can afford me.

Maybe.

Maybe I am just too afraid to believe that if I ask for more I will get it.

I asked the Mister when he was available to hang out.

I am tired of waiting.

8 days with no contact is a few days too many.

I want to be asked out on a date damn it.

At least let me know when you are going to have time.

So, I took that initiative and asked.

How will anyone know what I want unless I speak up.

I am the reason I am not paid better.

I am the reason I am single.

I am an idiot.

But at least I am trying to do things differently.

Be teachable.

Try.

I mean, I did run off the bathroom at Samovar to wipe the eyeliner from my face and have another good cry, but I got over it.

My friends want what’s best for me more than I do.

So, big breath, I am going to look for full-time nanny work.

I am going to ask those people in my community that I am not currently working for, to put it out there to the parents boards and the groups and the things and the people.

I don’t want to go through Town and Country, I don’t want to work for an agency, although they keep sending me job listings, but I do want to work full-time for either one to two families.

I want full-time hours, not this piece meal, cobbled together work.

It’s too damn much work.

I can’t pretend to not notice that.

I will have to tell the people who I work for what’s going on, but not right yet, not tomorrow, but soon, I feel.  I am going to have to have more than two and a half days worth of work.

I just have to.

My brain hurts thinking about it, but there, I have put it out, to the best of my current ability, to the Universe, I need to be better taken care of.

My current situation does not best serve my needs.

Thanks for listening.

xo.

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