Open The Door To Your Heart

by

To slam it shut again.

I just had something happen that made me realize that no matter how much work I have done and how “good” I understand my own peculiar mental twists and traits, that sometimes instinct, ie fear, takes over, and I turn the other cheek.

I am an idiot.

If I think what just happened was happening and it was, then I got scared and like a bunny dashed off into the night.

How I want something to happen and when it does I flee.

Instinct.

Habit.

Fear.

Working through it again and again and again.

If I could go back I would.

Instead I sent an inept text after shooting a question out into space.

“Please remove my fear and direct my attention to what you would have me do and be?”

If you weren’t afraid what would you do.

I would send the stupid text.

Which was worded poorly, but my ears and my head and I can’t say my heart, my heart knew exactly what was happening, but I was a fool instead.

My head gets carried away.

It believes my heart still needs some saving.

You know, for a fucking rainy day or something.

Get out there, get wet, get in the water.

You might be tumbled upside down for a full minute, but you will pop back up, into the air and sunlight and realize that you were drowning in two and a half feet of water.

That you can always put your feet down on the bottom, it hasn’t fallen out from underneath you, the panic will pass.

The panic is passing.

Both that I did something wrong and did not do the “right” thing as well.

Oh, I know, you all are being very coy here, she’s says to herself.

I was out with a friend having a marvelous day, a surprise day, in a way, I had other plans, plans that I very much was looking forward to and had cancelled on other things to have the time to do it.

But as happens, things change, and my dress shopping with my best girl went out the window and I was suddenly up in arms, but it was so beautiful out and my other friend is at the beach and go, you live out there, see if you can connect.

And we did.

Tea on the terrace, as I like to say.

Talk, tender, funny, sweet, goofy.

Joking about starting another blog because I just don’t have enough time on my hands.

Standing on the back porch to my house I suddenly looked in his eyes and I thought, he’s going to kiss me.

My whole brain went frizzle and my heart sped up, his eyes so blue.

Had I ever noticed how blue his eyes are?

Good Lord.

Then I said something asinine and even while I was saying it, I was thinking, stop it, what are you doing, don’t you want this?

I do.

I mean I am not shitting on any friendship I have by romantically pursuing it.

That is a great fear of mine, fall for friend, possess feelings, oh tender feeling, feelings you damn idiot, grr, and then have them not reciprocated.

I actually asked this friend out years ago, but he said, no, actually, he said yes, then said no after some thought, and stated he wanted to just be friends.

And I was way cool with that.

I adore him.

Grateful to not have lost a friend over an infatuation.

But there it was that moment on the porch.

Did I misread that?

We hung out, got dinner, Thai Cottage, so good.

Saw my housemate and her amazing daughter all dressed up for a Halloween surprise and I decided to go do a Dharma talk and a meditation with my friend who was meeting up with another friend there.

Who I happened to randomly know.

Funny how small the world is.

I actually saw a few folks that I used to know.

And the meditation, a half hour, actually felt like it went by so fast, I could have sat for another stretch and was longing for it, but the talk was good too, so I am not remiss at having missed anything.

Although, I have to say the way my brain just tried to eat itself after having such an endearing space presented to me was powerful to witness.

Feelings.

Whoa man.

I got to that secret sauce, special, warm fuzzy space.

“It sounds like snuggling a bunny,” my friend said to me when I described it.

And it rather is.

I was also able to have some tears drift down my face as I sat in the chair between the meditation and the talk, tears I could not pinpoint directly what they were about, something my new/old acquaintance said about my time in Paris and there they were.

Tears, bright shiny and new.

I recalled that struggling to hold off the tears would only stifle and prolong the pain, so after a brief struggle, that I walked through, the tears, slid down my face, along my chin, down my neck and into the little bowl of my clavicle.

A necklace of tears.

The only true jewels I have.

The pain sloughs away and left me bright, softened, and vulnerable.

Apparently too vulnerable though as I turned away in the car.

I did not mean to.

Damn it.

Compassion.

Have compassion right now, for myself, for the asinine way I was raised and learned and grew, have compassion, for your bright beating heart that gallops so hard to be open and free and so hard to not be alone.

Yet turns, unconsciously at that last-minute, the kiss falling on my cheek, and not where I think the intention was.

I don’t even want to be writing this, but it is my way of making sense.

“I am going to kiss you now,” he said to me.

He said that.

It was like a delayed noise in my head, I thought, what, no you’re not, you’re lying, you don’t want to kiss me, you mean, like a friend, right, like, here’s a nice hug and kiss.

No.

I think what he meant was “I am going to kiss you now,” and kiss me romantically.

A friend does not tell you that they are going to kiss you, they just do.

I turned away and my whole body is lit with wretchedness.

Practice, now, in this moment, being patient with yourself, doll, you are learning.

Ease into the feelings.

Shit.

I guess it’s best that I went to a Dharma talk.

And funny too.

Can I pull myself in and up, like I would one of my little charges, hug myself and say, “hey, you’re ok, there just feelings, have them, they will change,” and then turn my face to the sound of the ocean crescendo and let it lullaby me in my heart.

Maybe he will want to kiss me again.

Maybe the text I sent was not as stupid as I thought, texting.

I should have just called him on my phone and said, turn around, kiss me, I won’t turn away.

Can we try that again?

Please.

Kiss me.

 

Advertisements

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: