Have You Forgiven

by

Yourself for being single?

She asked me, a perceptive light in her eye, leaning forward across the table.

Oh shit.

What?

I have never had it laid out like that before.

Or if I did, I wasn’t hearing the message.

Oh, lots of time I will be paying rapt attention to the medium–is it flashy, does it glitter, is it pretty–but the message was have you forgiven yourself.

Well, god damn.

No, I have not.

I am to blame, don’t you know.

For everything, when it comes down to it.

As though I have some power over this, over anything.

The last couple of weeks have more than amply demonstrated that I don’t have power over much, just the actions I take, or don’t take.

Try not reacting.

Try pausing.

Say it with me, pause.

Pause.

Breath.

I took a naptation today.

I made that up, but man it was glorious.

I had my little Thursday girl, just one charge, music class, long nap, pigtails and a late afternoon Americano at the Mill on Divisadero.

I discovered that yes, indeed, the pushing of the stroller does aggregate my shoulder, it’s not just the double stroller, it is now every fucking stroller I use.

ARGH.

I did, however, after I posted last nights blog, log into my medical provider and book an appointment with my doctor.

I go in next Wednesday.

I was going to try to push it out to the week following, but I just can’t do it.

I have to get this taken care of.

I don’t like the idea of missing work, it’s a fucking catch-22, I can’t afford to miss a shift, but I can’t afford to get injured worse and potentially miss a lot of shifts.

So, I am taking it on the chin and going to get taken care of.

It was suggested to me that it could also be a pinched nerve.

Oh, hell.

It does sound like it, little internet web doctoring over in my corner, maybe…

Anyway, since I am not a doctor, I am just going to let my employers know I need to be checked out and leave it at that.  I can still work a half day, I booked the appointment for the afternoon.

After I got my charge down for her nap, bless her little heart, 2 and a half hours, I ate a really nice lunch (purple kale salad with organic baby cucumbers, Roma tomato, a tender sweet carrot, a little chopped apple, olive oil and balsamic and a veggie burger, accompanied by a cup of Earl Grey and an after lunch apple that I sliced up and sprinkled with sea salt and cinnamon) and sat down with a Tom Robbins novel, Still Life With Woodpecker.

I read for about an hour, stretched, got up, had bathroom break and decided a meditation was in order.

I got myself situated, followed the tail of my breath and sat for about twenty minutes.

Then I fell asleep.

Oops.

But so nice.

“Naptation.”

I like it.

I was not out for very long, but enough to really get refreshed.

“You sound like you are very tender,” she said, “are you aware of that?”

“Oh God, yes,” I replied, “I am in a lot of pain with the shoulder.”

“No, not what I meant, more that you are sad, grieving, maybe still Paris?  Have you written about that?”

Who are you and get out of my head.

“No, I have not done a lot of writing about that and you are now the second person in recent history to suggest I do.”

Grr.

I almost stuck my tongue out at her.

I listed all the great things I have been doing: bought myself flowers on Saturday, got a massage on Sunday, have been hula hooping, I went to an amazing concert, I got a boogie board….

“Yes, I know, and you’re sad and you’re feeling alone,” she added.

Stabbing pain in chest.

I thought my shoulder hurt.

Fuck.

“Can you be nice to yourself while you grieve?” She asked.

Can I play, can I forgive, can I move on?

How about, yes, yes, and yes.

I had never thought about it the way she was describing it, to love myself, to hold myself tenderly.

I am a bit gruff with myself.

I am doing more and more work.

Small things like stickers and sweet-smelling candles help, “are you burning potpourri in here,” my friend asked when he came by for a visit a few weeks back.

No.

Candles.

I like them.

Little fires in my house.

I like the way burning smells.

There was wood smoke drifting through the woods tonight as I rode my bicycle home, I pulled lungful upon lungful of air into my body.

Smoke.

Eucalyptus.

Evergreen.

Undercarriage tree leaf mulch, wet, rich, damp, earth, potent with magic and fecundity.

I whipped down Lincoln, her words in my ear.

How refreshing.

Not just the thoughts, no, the freedom.

I can forgive myself.

I don’t have to hold this garbage over my head any longer.

I am and have been doing the best I can.

Change will come when change is supposed to come.

I believe, with all my heart, with that wicked flame of a soul I have, with every bit of my being, that I do have a partner out there, we may have met, we may yet to meet, but until we do I can hold this space, tenderly, for myself.

Be tender to myself with forgiveness and let in love ,in its richness and abundance, spread out into my world.

To literally, tend to myself.

I came home and played.

That’s what I wanted to do.

I got out my hula hoop and put on some house music and hooped for a while.

Then, haha, yes, I played dress up.

Dress Up

Dress Up

My friend’s masquerade ball birthday party is this Saturday.

I got the hair down.

I’ll grab a mask tomorrow, the one my house mate’s daughter has is too small, and just wear a plain black dress and heels.

Voila.

Masquerade ball.

And aside from the forgiveness of self, which I am sure will be a continuing life altering exploration, I was given an assignment.

I have to plan three things for the upcoming months.

I have to make plans for Thanksgiving.

I have none.

I have to make plans for my birthday.

I have none.

I have to make plans for Christmas.

I, uh, yeah, have none.

So.

I have an idea for my birthday, beach bonfire, but not sure when to execute that.  My birthday, one week before Christmas, is a hard date to get anyone to come together on.  Plus, it’s on a Wednesday.

I have a little time to think about it.

Thanksgiving I don’t have a great deal of concern about, but I will take the suggestion and make a plan.

I have the whole week off.

I am open to ideas.

It was a revelatory day.

Painful.

Yup.

But once I got into the flow I realize that all these experiences, well, they just enrich my life more.

How amazing that I get to have all these emotions, to continue experiencing growth, even when those growing pains hurt, to have new revelations, and dare I say it, new forgiveness.

Today I am forgiven.

I forgive myself for being single.

Ain’t nothin’ gonna change til somethin’ changes.

I am a changed woman tonight.

Tender.

But changed.

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