Time to Go

by

Just when you get settled in.

Time to turn around and go.

Truth be told, I am happy to be leaving for home.

Ready.

It’s been a great visit, really, better than any expectations, but I miss my space, my schedule, my friends.

Today was special and I am beyond grateful that I was able to be here for this day.

I realized that the last two times I have turned an anniversary in my recovery I have been away from my home and missed my fellows.

I picked up a little something to carry with me, aside from another day without doing anything to kill myself, given to me by mom, sitting next to my sister, in a room full of people under over bright flourescent lights, standing up and letting someone else talk.

Feels like my thunder was stolen.

It wasn’t about me.

Then I remembered, “your first year is yours, all our years thereafter are ours,” Silas Payne.

Oh.

Yes.

That’s why I stood up, let people know it works.

That’s why I let someone else tell my story, slightly uncomfortable and not at all my perspective, but also good for me to hear the other side of the coin.

There are two sides, sometimes, gasp, even more.

I have choices and today I choose to not do it my way and to step up and be an example.

It’s not really about me.

It’s about those who helped me, you know who you are, and man did you help me.

Thank you.

And now about the others I can help.

I can also help more where I live, in my home, in my realm, and my, am I glad that where ever I go I have what I need, but I like it the most in San Francisco.

“How do they do it where you’re from?” He shouted across the room.

Jesus.

I don’t know, but they don’t fucking cross talk me.

I smiled.

Said thank you.

And that’s what it is.

Smile and say thank you.

I can only do that for so long, though, I need to refresh, replenish, and rejuvenate myself and sleep in my own bed, eat my own food, and move on my own time line.

Sometimes, you do, however, have to let it all go and do it someone else’s way.

Most of my life is like that.

I did, immensely, enjoy the love that was extended to me, the well wishes and messages, the friends, whom I have that I would never have had, without doing what I have been up to for the last nine years, nope, not at all.

I don’t know where my next nine years are going, I don’t, I don’t also really want to.

Oh, sometimes, yeah, I do.

But I don’t really want to.

I know I want to continue expanding my ideas of willingness.

Willing to fail.

Willing to be a nanny.

Willing to be hurt.

Willing to open up and get messy.

I am willing to not isolate by being too busy, over booking myself, working too many hours, and not charging enough when I do.

I am willing to continue to seek.

Sometimes you have to do the exact opposite of what you want to do.

And often time that work is what pays off the most.

It was a much more difficult visit the last time I came down to Florida.

Much harder.

This was not.

There are still things to work out, to move around, to continue practising my principles, to not judge.

Oh, dear God, help me to not judge.

I do want to so much.

I do, however, want the things that work for me to continue working, and to explore those areas where it has been suggested that I let go of my separation and desire for safety and control to give it over, to let go of trying to look perfect.

To say, thank you, and accept the gift.

I could learn these things all the days of the rest of my life.

I am writing with some distraction and I am not certain that this is going to read coherent and I feel that I am editing myself a little.

I don’t want to rant.

I don’t want to preach.

I don’t want to judge.

Those things are all there.

But I am no better, nor less than anyone else.

This, then is about humility and recognizing that acceptance and approval are not the same thing.

I accept things exactly as they are.

This is not my home, not my place, not my bailiwick.

Nope.

I am however a guest that has been loved and fed and hugged and kissed and that’s pretty damn nice.

I have no complaints.

I am just out of my milieu and I miss my city by the bay and all my fellows there.

I am ready to see the ocean and the hills and be in San Francisco.

Although, excuse me, while I go hug some people for a few more minutes.

“You look exactly the same,” she said to me, “except little and tattooed.”

I am not the same though.

I have been inwardly re-arranged.

The woman I was would not have come down here.

Nope, I was too busy doing my own thing, being selfish in the only way I knew how and disdainful of how every one else was doing it.

I did not have any solutions then outside of myself and relying on a fallible human being is a way to make sure that you fail.

I relied on myself.

And look where it led.

I relied on others, this magical community of “we” and look where it has led.

I have no recourse except to continue the acceptance and the growth and to continue to let down the walls and let people in.

To be willing to be hurt and let others have their own experiences and opinions.

This is an amazing journey.

I am so lucky to have this experience.

Brave, courageous, full of faith.

Graced.

Again, that is how I have it.

Grace.

 

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