Inexplicably Crazy

by

So I took some contrary action.

Might have had something to do with my little monkey who I watched today having the teething of monstrosity.

I felt so bad for the bug, it sucks.

The only good thing about teething, well aside from getting teeth to eat tasty food with, is that the pain is forgotten.

I don’t remember teething, do you?

I woke up a little cuckoo, truth be told.

I knew I was going to be free after five p.m. and I did not have any plans and I was dreading that unscheduled time.

I made a slight plan and did my best to adhere to that.

And I got outside.

I did lots of walking through the Mission today and went over to Capp and 23rd to hang out with some folks for a bit.

Realizing that I don’t really belong in the Mission anymore.

Not that to say I don’t really love being there, but it feels like too much, too much commerce, too much traffic, too many people trying to get someplace fast, fast, fast.

I just wanted to slow down.

Sometimes when I am odds with myself and my day I have a hard time deciding what to do anyway.

I hate to admit this as well, I don’t like riding my bicycle out late at night.

Especially on Fridays and Saturdays.

Actually, I don’t like riding my bicycle any time after 5p.m. on Friday, everybody is out getting their crazy on and it feels frenzied.

I actually stopped short of hitting a pedestrian today who was so absorbed in his little smart phone that he walked right off the curb and right into me.

I was going slow and had the premonition he might make that exact move, so I stopped and gentle patted him on his shoulder as I slid past on my bike.

“Be careful when you cross over the street without looking,” I said and patted him softly.

Which is great.

Because there have been times when I wanted to hit pedestrians for doing just what this guy did.

I think that by the time Friday rolls around I am exhausted from all the defensive bicycle riding that I do.

I am hyper vigilant on my bicycle, despite the increase in bicycle commuters, there seems to be more accidents happening, more people getting hit, more anger on the roads.

And perhaps it is just the Sunset, and I suspect that it really is, the amount of crazy driving when folks are looking for parking spots on Irving is just nuts.

It feels like I am in some sort of arcade game.

Except that I am not.

There is no do over here.

When I left work I still had no direction as to where I wanted to go but I knew I wanted out of the Mission and damn quick, the traffic had already begun to pick up and I whipped down Noe from 19th, hitting 18th, weaving around double parked cars and over to 17th and then to Church Street.

I hit the Pan Handle.

Debated going grocery shopping.

Had no desire to stop at Whole Paycheck.

Debated going to 7th and Irving.

But I already did that today, my brain whinged.

Yeah, and it sort of sucked, so maybe you should go again.

And I knew that I probably should.

I can’t remember the last time I double dipped in one day, but my brain really did feel on fucking fuego.

So, I steeled myself for a stop and instead of turning onto 7th Street when I was riding down Irving, I found myself blowing through the light and winging my way on down the road.

What the fuck are you doing?

I yelled at myself.

Stop.

I have had a couple of moments like that today.

Earlier on my ride into work I had a moment of not wanting to ride through the Pan Handle on the bike path, I would just be taking Oak Street all the way to the Wiggle, thank you very much.

But my head was absolutely screaming at me.

TAKETHEBIKEPATHTAKETHEBIKEPATHTAKETHEBIKEPATHTAKETHE….

I don’t recall every being that loud about taking the path.

I normally do zip on down the road and say, fuck you motherfucker, it’s not commute time, give me the full lane.

But I wasn’t feeling it.

I got spooked.

I took the bike path.

Same thing tonight.

I just knew I wasn’t supposed to ride my bike down Irving Street on a Friday at five o’clock.

I just knew.

I tried to blow it off, that little voice in my head, not the lying one, but the one that when I have a clear channel and have been doing the work, and believe you me, I have been doing the fucking work, I hear and am guided by well.

GETOFFYOURBIKE!

NOW.

O-fucking-k.

Chill.

I abruptly signalled a stop and swung my leg over the saddle, getting off and popping my bicycle up on the sidewalk.

I turned around and walked back to 7th and Irving.

I locked it up in its customary spot and headed out to Crepevine to grab some dinner.

I made a phone call and drank a big glass of water and got some food.

Man.

I don’t know what was going on, but I could not ignore it.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us.

I guess so.

Something was telling me to slow down.

I don’t have much planned for the weekend but I think I will take the MUNI tomorrow.

The nice thing is that I don’t have to rationalize what happen, I got home safe and sound and though I am home on a Friday night, I am happy to be here, with the smell of bonfires drifting in from the beach.

Maybe I should do that tomorrow.

Go down to the beach in the evening and have a little fire by the shore.

I do feel that a date for me is in the offing.

I wrote about that this morning.

Go to the DeYoung, see the Dieborken exhibit.

Or maybe over to the Conservatory of Flowers.

The Butterfly Exhibit has been extended through March.

Maybe a soak in a hot tub.

Something.

Nothing I need worry about right now.

No worries at all.

Especially since my bike is safely locked up in the garage and the voice in my head has mellowed out with the dinner and the quiet sitting of an hour in a room with bad flourescent lighting.

Crazy like a fox.

Yes I am.

But at least I fucking know it.

I also know what the solution is for it.

Thank God.

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3 Responses to “Inexplicably Crazy”

  1. Steven Scotten Says:

    Thank you for listening to that voice.

    Among (some) motorcyclists it is referred to as “spidey sense” and it is a known phenomenon. Yes, it is a matter of intuitively knowing how to handle situations which used to baffle us, but it is also one of knowing how to handle situations which presently ought to baffle us.

    Sometimes when I am lane-sharing on the bike, riding through almost totally stopped traffic between the rows of cars, the amount of information in front of me becomes overwhelming. I start to see the path rather than the individual cars because I’m going too fast relative to the cars to make individual assessments of their next moves. And it actually feels really tuned in to do that.

    Then suddenly something will no longer feel tuned in, and I’ll stop. I’ll either slow down to the flow of traffic or slide in behind a car or both. Invariably, after I’ve lost that feel of “flow” and listened to it and stopped, within less than a second of slowing down I’ll see a car make a sudden lane change with no blinker and no other outward signs it might have wanted to move. And it will make that lane change right over where I would have been had I not stopped.

    We can call it being protected by a higher power, we can call it my brain subconsciously processing information that my consciousness cannot handle. I’m not sure there is a difference.

    You know: what used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Right? Well, that works on the micro level as well as the macro one. In other areas of our lives it’s usually that macro level that we have to concern ourselves with, but on two wheels… well, I already trusted that you listen to that voice, but I’m glad to hear the confirmation.

    • auntiebubba Says:

      Totally trust that voice. The one time I didn’t, I got doored. And I knew it was going to happen. Not sure how but yeah, didn’t let myself here the voice and went on my way and bang.

      Since then, always listen to the voice.

      • Steven Scotten Says:

        Ouch. Why do those lessons have to be so painful?

        Don’t answer that. I know. Rhetorical question etc etc.

        One of mine was when I wanted to buy my first iPhone. I had the money in hand and I was all psyched for it and I told myself all the reasons about how it was totally justified. I hunted down the one Apple store in the Bay Area that still had any in stock and just before I got on the freeway I got that feeling. You know the feeling. I vaguely sensed I was not being any too smart. So I turned around and went home.

        The next day (or two or three, I don’t recall exactly) my elderly cat got sick and I had to take him to the vet. He ended up needing some tests and medication and he was with me for five more years, and that wasn’t super expensive, but it wasn’t cheap either. Let’s just say I didn’t have the money for a sick cat’s treatment and an iPhone at the same time.

        Which is, I guess, just to say that the lessons aren’t always painful. Just usually.

        Anyway, very cool that you have that conscious contact with the voice.

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