What is The Opposite of Fear?

by

Love.

I was struggling this morning checking in on the phone, acknowledging that I have this extra time off this week and it’s almost a habit, a bad one at that, I realized as I was leaving the message, of automatically going to fear.

Fear of financial insecurity.

Fear of not having enough.

Fear that I basically won’t get mine.

Which is bullshit.

First, rent money is already in the bank, the only other bill have this month is my student loan, which will be more than adequately covered with what I do make this week.

And there is another week of full-time work next week in the month.

I am fine.

It’s just a habit that I recognized as I was checking in.

Do not pass Go.

Do not collect $200.

Go straight to fear.

An action, then is what is needed.

What is the opposite action?

Faith.

What can I do to show faith, at least in that moment, in that time that was trying to sort out my brain and show it that all was well, no need to worry, something better is being planned.

My first thought was let me get excited.

I have Friday off!

Woot.

Instead of trying to figure out what I am going to do Friday, get excited that I get to do something that is not work related.

Go somewhere maybe I don’t normally go on a Friday.

Take a trip to the Conservatory of Flowers.

Go to China Town and buy a kite.

There is an astoundingly good kite store on Grant Street in China Town.

Get my nails did.

Go to Kabuki and soak in the hot tub and steam in the sauna and cold plunge in the pool, and repeat, repeat, and repeat again.

Sleep in.

Walk on the beach.

Write.

Read a book.

Go out for coffee.

I mean, I live in San Francisco, there are a few things I could do.

I could also go check out Cajun Pacific, which is in my neighborhood and I am always working or in Noe Valley when the restaurant is open–it’s only open Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

Saturday evening is free for me too, my typical commitment is not meeting and I suddenly have even more time.

I mean, something is happening here.

Time is being arranged in a way to make space for something new.

This is exciting.

Get into it.

Instead of getting afraid of it.

Then I spent the day with the boys.

Oh, my boys.

Love.

Love.

Love.

When the oldest one says my name it just melts me down.

Or hugs me.

Please.

It is so good.

We went to Golden Gate Park, weather being all things amazing, then in the later afternoon we went to Kid’s Kingdom.  There was snacks and slides and swings and sand.

Lots of sand.

“Oh, ha,” I said to him as I reached into my pocket, “sand and crackers,” I laughed dumping the concoction into the trash next to the tea and coffee service at The Beanery.

I wouldn’t be surprised to find some more of it in my bra tonight.

Oh.

And the one year old.

Or soon to be one year old, his birthday is on Wednesday, which is why I have so much time off, his family is all coming to town to celebrate, started smacking my breasts today.

Like hey, where’s the food?

He’s in the process of getting weaned.

“Honey,” I said, as he grinned up at me with his little flirtatious self, this kid is a serious charmer, “these don’t work for you, good for snuggling, but not for noms.”

He burrowed right in.

No sleeping though and when I realized the teething was not going to let up, I just acquiesced to it and took him out to play in the kitchen while the other napped.

I did not get upset about anything at work, not even when mom got stuck on the bus and I had to stay a little late.

Everything worked out.

That’s the real habit I want to cultivate, knowing that, everything always works out just fine, without the unneccessary anxiety around it.

Love.

Not fear.

Sunshine.

Not darkness.

Getting grateful for free time and knowing that it may not be a carnival, but then again, heck, it just might be.

Things always work out better than I can imagine it anyhow.

I could see if Barnaby has an opening and get the color fixed on my stars (one of them needs a little color brush up) and maybe have another two added to the seven.

I don’t have to know.

I suspect wonderous things.

They are always in the making anyhow.

Especially when I show up where I am supposed to show up and of service to anyone besides myself.

“It sounds like you really showed up for your family,” me friend said to me tonight as we were catching up.  “It’s hard, family.”

“Yeah,” I said, and then, “if I talk about my sister I am going to start crying.”

“Like I haven’t seen you cry a hundred times,” he said and slipped me a folded napkin as the tears welled up and over.

Love.

Blows out the cobwebs in your heart and shows the cavern as full of sparkling crystals and light, pure, love, explosive, blinding you to anything else, engulfing you, pushing you inside out and remaking you.

All the time.

Love.

I told my friend about my family, the trip, the experience, and it was really good to check in about it.

And keep showing up for it.

I owe my mom and my sister a thank you card, which I have sitting out waiting to be sent, take care of that tomorrow, for sure, keep the contact going.

Grow more.

Grow up more too.

Love more.

Let go the fear habit and let in the sunshine.

It will stop you in your tracks if you let it.

Let it.

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