You Are Sexy As

by

Fuck.

He said to me tonight before dropping me off at the house.

“Warm, and friendly, and funny, you date a lot right?”  He finished.

“No,” I responded, laughing a little, nice to have someone think that, “not so much, what would you suggest?”

And he laid it out.

Dude.

I love having guy friends.

He gave me some awesome suggestions and to be told that I am hot and attractive and sexy by someone who I think is a great guy and a peer, means a lot.

A lot.

I don’t know what it has been, what has been the change, I suspect the constant work I have been doing, not so much self-improvement, but continuing self-acceptance.

Self-acceptance with my job.

I am a nanny.

I am a professional, career nanny, and I will pursue this as my, well, heh, my career.

Instead of saying this is just something I do until I find that right career for me.

“You have zero to invest here,” my friend said to me last week, “you have your skill set already, you have your experience, you know you’re great with kids, you have it all.”

Accept it.

It was sort of like that tonight with my friend, listening to him extol my virtues somehow something clicked and it sort of sank in and wait a second.

Damn.

You are right.

“Let me tell you something though,” he said, “girls got this radar thing too, you know what I am saying, three dates in and he wants to marry you, guys got that too, you start talking about the big picture and they will back the fuck off, they can smell it.”

He continued, “like, whoa, slow down, I don’t even know if I want to have sex yet, let alone hash out where we’re going to be in the next year, ease off.”

“I know what you’re saying,” I replied, remembering a guy I dated about three years ago, hot, younger, super sexy, great kisser, but he was so about getting into it and planning out our kids names that I was like, uh, slow up there Romeo.

It put me off, which when I reflect back is funny, because I think he figured it out before I did and withdrew, then, classic, I was like, why isn’t he calling me?

Uh, I didn’t want to date him, despite the six-pack.

“You know,” he continued, “guys in San Francisco are a little spoiled too, women out here are bold and they go for what they want and they are liberal, San Francisco is really a matriarchal town, women run it, but guys know it and they’ll get lazy, like if she really wants me, she’ll ask me out.”  He looked at me, “know what I mean?”

“I do,” I said, “so….”

“So, go up to a dude and say, hey, here’s my number, I think you’re attractive and if you think I’m attractive, call me, and then, like, let it the fuck go,” he finished.

“Works like a charm,” he said, “you know so and so, she did that with me and I was totally into it.”

“We didn’t end up going out, but look where’s she at know, engaged and shit,” he paused, “whatever, just go out there and have some fun.”

Fun.

Yes.

That’s what it is about right now.

Embracing this present and having some fun.

“When you get up in the morning, smile,” she said to me today over coffee at Tart to Tart, “it will change your day.  I promise.”

I believe that.

I told her what my plans were for the day and what principle I was working on.

“Oh, go dancing!” She said, leaning up straight, “dancing is so good for you, yeah, it might be goofy, but go find out.”

And, well, it was a little for me.

I went ecstatic dancing today.

Not totally my thing.

But it was also really good to dance for two hours.

It was not my first choice in music and I felt like it took me a long time to get relaxed into the dance (I like my music a little faster), it was a little too woo woo for me, but there were a few moments where it picked up and I was able to really let go and that felt great.

To be in my body, moving, shaking it out, dropping into the music, abandoning to the physicality of it.

Made me want to go dancing again.

It felt good to, to see my friend, to meet new people, to be in a neighborhood I don’t get to as often, to allow some openings into my schedule and try something new.

You never know until you try.

I am thinking I will have to try my friends suggestion too, and keep it light.

Really light, just go have fun, don’t expect anything and see what happens.

“And when it happens, when you really bang,” he said taking his hands off the steering wheel and clapping them together,” when you really connect with someone, you fight for that shit, because it doesn’t happen that much and you don’t have to be compatible and maybe you fight, but you hang onto that shit, it’s fucking worth it.”

It’s pretty simple, but not easy, it means changing the thoughts and ideas of a lifetime.

But you know if I can willingly accept my career path I can get my to the dating too.

“Are you seeing anyone,” she said to me tonight, “you look great.”

“Nope,” I said, and why, I wanted to add, is it important, why is that the first thing you want to know?

Being in a relationship won’t make me, being with someone won’t complete me.

I am a complete woman.

I am the cake and all that.

But yeah, a guy to compliment the crazy sunday with a cherry on top would be cool.

So, here’s to doing the uncomfortable.

Whether it is work related, relationship related, life related.

Here’s to getting into the mix.

“Hey, I like you, I have always found you attractive,” I practiced in the mirror thinking of someone I saw tonight, “here’s my number if you ever want to go out, give me a call.”

“I can do this,” I said to my reflection, and then I laughed my ass off and danced around my room.

I am fucking funny too.

That meant as much if not more, more really, then being told I am sexy, but you know that didn’t hurt either.

Good to have friends in my corner.

Wouldn’t be anywhere without them.

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