Don’t Panic

by

She said over the phone and laughed at me.

I laughed at myself.

I am still panicked a tiny bit.

I have nothing to do tomorrow.

Yeah.

That’s about it, that’s the sum of my problems.

I have no plans.

Picture me running off into the sunset screaming.

I exaggerate a little.

Unexpected time is still a challenge for me.

I know I will fill the day, groceries, do some cooking, do some laundry, see about getting the scooter started, but I don’t have a thing to really do until 7p.m. in Noe Valley.

The same goes for Sunday as well.

I had the opportunity to get out-of-town, maybe head out to Santa Cruz on Sunday, but I have a commitment smack in the middle of the time that I couldn’t for the life of me get covered.

I am over this Sunday commitment, I also was invited over to Alameda this Sunday too, so much to do and can’t go do it.

Sigh.

I know I am not supposed to over book myself and I know there are things to do.

There’s a writing project I want to flesh out and I could sit out side on the back porch and do some work on that, or go down to Java Beach and work on it.

Sometimes getting out of my house is a good idea, it helps me actually focus on what I am doing, rather than get wound up in my head about what I am not doing enough of.

Everything is fine.

Really.

But I was consumed a few times with this feeling of loneliness that can get me down.

I know it’s not real, I know I have friends and people in my life, but when I can’t get it together to co-ordinate time with anyone and yet still have a lot of time to spare, it feels untenable.

Then again, I did confirm my timing with my friend for next weekend.

By this time next Friday I will be at Lighting in a Bottle with my friend.

I will be dancing somewhere, I promise you that.

We are both going to get done with work by 4 p.m.

I shall ride my bicycle home, get my stuff, and she’s going to come and get me here at 4:30p.m.  after which, a three-hour drive to Bradley, we should get there by sundown.

There may be getting out-of-town traffic since it is Memorial Day weekend, but yeah, I should be there at this time next week rocking out a three-day weekend with one of my favorite girl friends in the bay.

It will make up for her not being able to go to Burning Man this year, which I know she was planning on making and was really bummed out when her work schedule wouldn’t allow for it.

So, I can get over the self-pity.

I think I just had a wonky week.

It was a week ago tonight that I smashed the Vespa into a street lamp in the parking lot of Whole Foods and bashed my leg so well.

It still hurts, in fact, today it was pretty awful.

There are a few positions that I can’t do.

Sitting cross-legged is one of them and when I try, having forgotten that my leg was injured, I yelp out loud.

I can walk.

I can ride my bicycle, but no, I cannot sit cross-legged.

Not yesterday in the Music Together class, which is half on the floor sitting and half standing up and dancing around.

Not today at my gig in the Castro.

It is uncomfortable.

But I shall take it as a sign to slow down, smell the roses, jasmine, honeysuckle, and every other flower that is blooming profusely with the last bit of heat that was suckling itself in the pockets of the city.

It’s cooled off drastically.

And the wind’s kicked up again.

It’s not bad though, still got up to 70 degrees today and the sun was out.

Heck, any day that it’s not raining and I can get out side with my charges is a good weather day.

I also took care of some maintenance stuff with my bicycle–dropped into Mission Bicycle Company and caught up with the kids there–got a new chain and had them install it there, much smoother ride home.

Much.

I also hopped over to Nordestrom’s Off the Rack and did some bra shopping.

I do not like bra shopping.

Then again, I don’t know a woman who does.

But when the underwire breaks, it’s time for a new bra.

I got the exact same one I have on.

I was hoping for something a little sassier, but the pickings were slim.

I did not have it in me to actually go to Nordestrom’s proper or the mall to Victoria Secrets and do the real deal.  I figured I could pop in and out of The Rack and do what I had to do and pillage the make up counter–success there for sure–and be back out and on the road to Church and Market by 7p.m.

And that’s exactly what happened.

That’s what I need to do this weekend.

Aside from work on the writing project, that is a must.

I need to prep for the camping next weekend.

I won’t be able to much on my days during the week–I’ll be working.

Also got to check in with the housemate and let her know I’m out-of-town for the weekend.

And maybe I will do something fun for myself, an Artist Date, a dear friend of mine suggested, go to the museum, invite someone to go for a walk on the beach with me, there are lots of things to do here in San Francisco, I hear.

I won’t be doing Bay To Breakers though.

No way.

No thank you.

I will be staying the hell out of that mix of drunken, stoned, high, keg standing joggers as possible.

I actually have never seen it, gone to it, or wanted to have anything to do with it.

Jogging, not my cup of tea, and drinking, no longer my cup of tea and drinking and jogging in costume?

NO.

So, there’s that.

I know what I won’t be doing this weekend.

The rest is up to the Universe.

I’m along for the ride anyway.

Just because I think I am steering does not mean that I am in control.

Nope.

I haven’t the helm at all.

Just rowing the boat.

That’s all I am doing.

Rowing the boat.

Some one else is in charge of where it goes.

Which is good.

Since I am directionally challenged.

Perhaps that’s what I will do.

The opposite of everything my head tells me to do.

That could be interesting.

 

 

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