Eat It

by

Grr.

Well, I sort of knew that it was a long stretch, a sort of Hail Mary of a throw, but I was hoping I would be able to sublet my studio for the couple of weeks I would be at Burning Man and for the week I am in Wisconsin.

Nope.

I knew before I asked, but I felt I had to ask.

Which leads me to the uncomfortable asking.

The house stuff is what it is, the entrance is common and I may have my own “private” space, but it’s not really separate.

I didn’t think that it would fly.

However, I am loath to pay for the time I am away, especially when I am fairly certain I could rent out my studio to cover costs of being away at Burning Man.

The real discomfort is going to be when I ask my employers for a raise.

I haven’t raised my Burning Man rates since I started nannying at the event, it’s been the same flat fee every year, five years running, same rate.

I can’t do it this year.

I have rent, student loans, scooter insurance, scooter payment, Healthy San Francisco, phone, and utilities to cover.

Being gone for two weeks without my typical take will cripple me.

Which is why the first prong of the attack, it’s an attack in my mind, can’t I just surrender to the winning side, know that I am allowed to ask for myself and let go the results?

Nope.

My brain wants to manipulate it.

How can I phrase it just so.

There is no phrasing.

Simplicity is the key.

Surrendering the results is also important.

They can say no.

They may say no.

I worked longer hours than I thought I would last year and despite making more money than I have prior, it was only because I worked every single day, had no days off and was out for 22 days.

That’s not particularly healthy.

I have also entertained doing a nanny share out there.

I was asked this weekend at Lighting in a Bottle by a family that was doing a dry run at the festival and will be at Burning Man with their daughter for the first time who will be 19 months.

I said no.

But there is my other Burning Man family and I debated that all day in my head, do they have someone, they are going, I already know that, kind of have to when you work for the organization.

But last year my charges grandpa came out and helped.

I don’t know if that’s the case this year.

Last year I would have hesitated to take on an extra one, but this year, both boys are walking, so possibility.

Ugh.

I just have to sack up and ask for more money.

It’s not the family’s business to know about my cost of living or my rent or student loans or any of it.

I just have to say I need to make more, state what that more is, and let them say yes or no.

I am a great nanny and I am worth my pay.

I have a lot of experience being on playa as a nanny and enough said brain.

Let it go.

Nothing to do about it this week.

Besides I wanted to find out if I could sublet the studio, if I could, the pressure would have been a little less, it would have alleviated the worry.

I am a classic under earner and I have done a lot of work around it and here, I can just get grateful for it, is an opportunity to grow.

For today, though, the rent is paid, just dropped the check to my housemate when I asked after the possibility of subletting.

My student loans are paid too.

I have money for the hair appointment tomorrow–some fancy new color coming my way–and money for groceries and what not until I get paid next week.

And repeat.

I did not have the luxury of coloring my hair when I was in France or worrying about a new Iphone or making a scooter payment.

I was eating corn out of a can and peanuts and apples for lunch.

I get to travel to Wisconsin next month for a week.

I get to go to Burning Man.

I will bust my ass like I always do and I will have an experience.

That’s what it’s about.

I get to have experiences.

I also will be grateful to live where I live and be happy that I can afford to live in San Francisco and pay said rent.

It could be more.

Besides, who’s to say, amazing things are happening all the time and prosperity is all about me.  I am living better than I have in years just by quietly putting one foot in front of the other and working hard.

I don’t have much debt outside my student loan–just the scooter–and I am able to meet my monthly costs in cash.

That’s pretty fucking cool.

I eat well.

I eat organic.

I drink small batch roasted fancy pants coffee.

I have a new Iphone.

I have a vintage 1965 Vespa.

Come on.

Life is good.

No worries here.

I am not going to try to make money at Burning Man, I am just asking to cover my costs.

That’s fair.

I could also put the ball in their court and say I want a raise and see what they offer.

What I will do, tonight, is write it down, say a prayer and send it out to the Universe.

My God box is a pink bunny piggy bank from the Marais district in Paris, I write little notes about things I am struggling with, and give it up to God.

Or the Universe if you will.

Or the gigantic bunny in the sky.

(Someone read Watership Down really early in life)

Just writing it down and letting it go often brings a kind of clarity that thinking about the solution, ie, trying to figure it out, does not.

There is nothing to figure out.

There is no problem.

And last but not least.

The solution and the problem are not the same thing.

Thank God I have some solution today.

Faith in the experience of being taken care of doesn’t hurt either.

The only thing left to do is have a fun weekend.

I can manage that.

Hell, who knows, maybe I’ll even get asked out on a date.

Happened last time I got my hair done.

Fuck worrying about Burning Man.

I should just be focusing on getting my hair done.

Ha.

 

 

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