I Do NOT Like This Feeling

by

Sam I am green eggs and ham noise in my head shut up.

I am not good at being in my house for the entire day.

I am not fond of not making money.

I am not fond of pain, either.

Or inconvenience.

Or discomfort.

Or asking for help.

I did break though and I have coffee being brought to me tomorrow.

When I run out of coffee that’s a bad thing.

I got loads of sweet messages and texts but ultimately a text or a chat message is not a human being.  Fortunately I also got some phone calls and talked to real voices today, besides the ones in my head.

It was not as horrid as I am making it out, but I can see it becoming wildly uncomfortable should I let it.

I have big thick books to read, that I bought last week at Dog Eared Books and even as I was paying for them wondered when exactly I would get to read them.

Apparently right now.

I called Kaiser Podiatry and made the follow-up appointment with the specialist that the ER doctor wanted me to go and see.  I go in on Tuesday to get cleared from work.

I never got a phone call from the radiologists at Kaiser, which I was told I would get should anything else odd show up on the x-rays, which is good.

I got lots of admonitions to stay off the ankle, that sprains can be worse than breaks, and I did not put any weight on it at all today.

It really is not fun.

My tough lady veneer is wearing a tiny bit thin, but I do have friends that I get to see tomorrow, who are bringing coffee and plenty of folks that offered to help should I need it.

I’ll be asking one of them to take me to the Kaiser appointment on Tuesday.

I am hoping that really being gentle to myself and kind and slow, slow, like I have no choice, it’s really challenging accomplishing anything on crutches, and that I rest, the ankle will heal quickly.

I obviously won’t be able to work Monday and Tuesday, but I am hoping that perhaps I can get in a few days next week.

Then again, I don’t want to injure myself worse.

I am just going to have to sit and wait it out and see what happens.

I do need to go to the ATM and deposit a check from yesterday.

Work yesterday seems eight thousand years ago.

And, duh, I was supposed to get paid for this week from my regular family, who I was supposed to work a full eight hour shift and a part of this evening for.  Shoot.  I have to send them a tally.

Argh.

When I think about the money I am not making and the money I won’t be able to make next week I can start to freak out and I need to remind myself that this is temporary and that there will be money and should shit hit the fan, the computer die, well, so be it.

I wanted to have some things to go back to Wisconsin with, like money in my pocket, now I just want to cover costs and make sure that I can pay all my bills this month.

I got to face facts.

I have to do better with my job.

Not having full-time benefits and health insurance is a challenge.

Maybe I need to explore something outside of nannying again.

I was offered a job last week, but I was not interested after doing some research about the company, not really a good fit for me.

I know this road though, I have been down it too many times, and I always end up being a nanny again, so the solution and the problem are not the same, and I just have to have faith that I am going to be ok.

There is no lack right now.

There is just the fear that there will be.

Rent’s paid.

I have a small check from yesterday that will cover my phone bill.

I still have monies coming from the half week I worked for my family in the Castro and I have enough money in the bank to get me through the week.

I am going to be ok.

Hell.

I am ok.

And I do believe that there is great learning and good and acceptance to be had, humility too.

I am going to have to ask someone to take out the compost, to help me in and out of  a shower.

I can make it one more day without bathing, but after that I might lose it.

I can do my nails.

I am spending lots of time sitting still.

I will also be getting out of the house on a speaking engagement tomorrow night, no avoiding it and I have a sweet friend coming into the city who will be giving me a lift.

Plenty of sweet friends.

Plenty of people who have asked how they can help.

I just need to say yes.

It’s hard to ask for help, but I don’t have much choice.

The groceries will run out tomorrow and unless I want to eat oatmeal three times a day, I will have to have a hand for a bit.

Grateful for my small space too, it’s just small enough for me to handle getting about.

I am sure I will get used to crutching about, but it’s tiring.

I did take a nap today.

That’s a good thing.

I slept last night, but it was hard, and as my friend the nurse intimated, sleeping was indeed a challenge, the night-time was profoundly uncomfortable, and I woke up in pain a few times.

Not pain that I can’t bear, however.

Just pain that’s annoying and I wish would pass.

Nothing to do but wait for it.

Heal and let the body do it’s thing.

Watch a few movies, I downloaded a bunch and watched The Grand Budapest Hotel today.  Plus, Orange is the New Black just came out and So You Think You Can Dance (yes, I am a fan) just aired.

There’s stuff to occupy me.

I will be alright.

I am alright.

Everything is alright.

I believe that I am completely taken care of.

I always have been.

Why would now be any different?

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