I’m Gonna Be Alright

by

I have a deep, abiding faith, and a wealth of experience behind me to support that statement.

I also had a sweet conversation with one of the mom’s I nanny for and was relieved of my fear that I was going to lose my position as their nanny.

In fact, not only was I assured that this was not the case, the moms spoke to each other independent of my asking, and decided to continue to support me through the next three weeks of not being at work.

They are going to match what I would receive if I was able to claim California State Disability, which I cannot, since I am not on record for having paid into the disability insurance fund.

Disability matches up to 55% of what you would make if you were able to work.

So, about half.

And that’s about what I need to make it through until I can work again.

We agreed that I would start back up, pending my recovery, please make it a speedy recovery, Monday, July 7th.

I put my student loan into forbearance, which just means that I am not making payment on the loan for a couple of months, the interest still accrues, but they don’t send sharks to my door demanding payment on the loan, nor will they automatically pull it from my bank account.

My friend who I bought the scooter from, and still owe on, agreed to hold off cashing my check for this month.

And now, with the little I have set aside in savings and the “disability” monies coming in, I am going to make it.

I knew I would.

I just couldn’t see it.

I could not see how I was getting through, I only know that I have before, so I would now.

What I can’t see yet, either, is how I am going to make it through the next three weeks without killing myself.

I jest.

But it’s a long haul for this lady to not be physically active, laying about in bed sounds wonderful, in theory.

In actuality, not so much.

Although I did get a big shot of gratitude tonight sitting next to a woman on an oxygen tank and in the same room as a man who is a paraplegic in a wheelchair.

I am only inconvenienced with a severe sprain.

The woman is on an oxygen machine for the rest of her life, that man, is always in a wheelchair.

I will heal.

I will get back on my bicycle.

I will go for a scooter ride again.

Many.

I will also learn how to kick-start it with my right foot instead of my left.

I probably won’t eat frozen peas for a while, though, I have to say they do make a great ice pack.

My employer also suggested that I do indeed go to Wisconsin and spend that week with my best friend. It would still be in the time frame of my off time healing the ankle and she was pretty adamant that I spend time with my friend.

Who I do really want to see.

Though I don’t want to see her in all my human glory, I wanted to go back stalwart and fiscally solvent, and super ok in my life and strong and who knows what else, successful, I suppose.

As it turns out, however, I just get to go back as myself, a human with failings and an imperfect life.

I don’t get to wear my super hero cape.

I don’t get to haul my outsized ego on the plane with me.

I am, fingers crossed, hoping to not be lugging the walking boot either.

And if I have to still be in the boot, to at least not be using the crutches.

I tried a little more walking in the boot today, few tentative hobble steps, three in the kitchen, a little more pressure on it when I am getting up from a sitting position, but not too much.

I know right away how far I can take it.

And I pushed it a little further than I meant to tonight.

Fortunately I was able to reach for the humility sauce instead of eating some ego pie, and I asked for a ride home tonight, I had a ride to where I was going, but she had to leave early.

I thought, no problem, I’ll just take the MUNI.

But by the time it was ending and I needed to go, my ankle was throbbing.

When the ibuprofen wears off, it wears off.

So I ate my ego, swallowed my pride, and asked.

Of course it was an affirmative answer, but it’s hard to ask for help, even from people who I know.

And talk books.

Which we did on the car ride home.

This reminds me that I have written one and that I could be using some down time to get on that as well.

Use this time well.

Not be in self-pity.

I managed to get myself outside today too.

Just a few steps to the back patio, it’s a little challenging, the step down from my studio to the porch, but I made it and I get great phone reception there.

I sat in the sun and made some calls.

I sat in the sun and listened to the neighbor play jazz piano.

I sat in the sun and let myself sit with my eyes closed and the warmth on my face and just be.

I don’t have to know how I am going to make it through the next few weeks.

I just know that I am.

With a little help from my friends.

I mean A LOT of help.

I’ll get by.

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