Big Week


Go slow.

Icing ankle.

Go slow.

Take ibuprofen.

Go slower.

Sigh.

Oh well.  So it goes, the going slow, has to go slow, ride the MUNI, slow your roll, bring it down, the temptation to go faster, get more in on the day, move, any kind of real movement.

Not this cautious, tepid, shuffle that has been propelling me forward through the hours of the day.

I have a nanny share everyday this week.

Which is my optimal goal always, having a consistent five-day a week share would alleviate all financial woe, not that there are that many at the moment, I am holding steady, all the help that my friends and family and anonymous folks out there (who did put that folded twenty-dollar bill in my purse?) who have helped me through the four weeks of no work has, well helped.

At this point, the help has to be coming from me.

So I find that I have to sit when I want to stand.

That I have to walk slower when I would like to stride.

That I have to take the steps one two, one two, instead of one after the other, on and off the train, up and down the stairs at work.

With the extra work, comes extra work.

Mostly in my brain, slow down kiddo, I told myself as I pushed the stroller up a slight incline in Golden Gate Park.   There is no race to be won, there is nowhere to go, and so, well, go slow.

It is almost a constant iteration of stay in the present moment.

Shameful to say that I haven’t been present much over the weekend and coming into today at work, rehashing last year’s event, trying to figure out what I needed, what the family needed, how to make it work, how to take care of myself.

Which is why I apologized today.

That was not what I was expecting and I saw that I had hurt my employer without even realizing, wrapped up in my own agenda and my own fears.

Sometimes I forget that the entire world doesn’t speak my language.

Literally.

Just because we are going to the same place doesn’t mean that we won’t get there having utterly and completely different experiences.

I had no idea.

But we worked it out.

What came to light is that my employer feared a sudden departure, a change of plans, by me, that I would up and decided that nope, it’s too much and bounce.

That happened last year.

A nanny working for someone in the upper echelon’s of the organization had her nanny split without warning.

There you are in the middle of the desert with no nanny and a huge job to complete, one which you have spent all year working on, and your child care is gone.

Poof.

I remember it well as I helped find a replacement.

I don’t even know if the woman who I suggested help was able to help, but I remember being aghast that someone would do that.

My employer fears this from me.

That I will split too.

Because I did something I vowed I would not do, I brought up last year and said I was not happy with how it went.

I had not brought up last year ever with her as I felt that I had made my bed and I needed to lie in it.  To then bring it up a year later, felt like an attack, and left her panicked that this year I would pull some shenanigans and leave my duties.

It turns out we both needed clarity.

I will be working a lot this year.

More than I worked last year, but I will be compensated for it.

And the knowing for me is the biggest thing.

And the knowing what my needs are and stating them at the time rather than alluding to another time.

I have more practice to do, more room to grow, more to learn.

In an odd way, I feel like I have to regain her trust, this was not something that I was even thinking about, giving the impression that I am flaky.

It shocked me that she would think that I would quit.

Whatever I am doing or not doing, this has to change.

I am a person who lives by their word and I don’t want to live a dishonorable life.

I have already done that.

Moving forward all I can do is communicate better.

I think we worked it out.

I think its going to be fine.

Losing someone’s trust because I failed to communicate my needs is a painful lesson and not just for me.

I am not going to beat myself up for this, I learned and I can only hope that I can regain that trust.

In the end, as brash as this may sound, I may never know if that’s the truth, if she’s ever really going to trust me to not bail.

I know I won’t.

How do you assuage another’s fears?

I do my best to care for myself and let the other person have their experience.

I am human and made a mistake.

My amends was to promptly apologize, then and there.  And to listen and I did.  It was uncomfortable, admitting wrong is not a comfortable thing to do, but it is the thing I needed to do and the only way to move forward with honesty and integrity.

The lines of communication are open and I will continue to work on keeping it that way.

And showing up.

Slowly.

Painfully.

My ankle is not the only thing that needs healing.

My brain does too.

Thank God I have a solution.

Show up and be of service and let go of the results.

I do the best I can and grow from here.

 

“I wish you a long, slow recovery,” he said with a dry chuckle.

Seems that wish has been granted.

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