Crunch Time


This is it folks.

My last weekend before I head out.

Which means that I get it all done this weekend or it won’t get done.

Not that I have a whole lot of things left to do, a few errands, the optometrist tomorrow for contacts being the biggest one, but the niggling little things that need to be taken care of that I can’t really do other than this weekend.

Plus there’s the getting in to see everyone that I need to see before I leave.

I met with one of my lovies tonight, who came into the city from Moss Beach and brought her amazing little dog, a red Boston Terrier, with her and picked me up from my gig in the Castro and drove us over to Waller and Masonic to get right with the Universe.

Then out to the beach.

Literally, we had to park way out, there’s Outside Lands happening in Golden Gate Park and my little neighborhood was overrun with cars.

We found a spot after much circling and adjourned to the Thai Cottage and caught up over Tom Kha coconut soup with lemon grass and prawn;  chicken satay and pumpkin curry with chicken and brown rice.  So good.

It was such a lovely way to end my week.

A week of much ups and downs and some second guessing on my part.

Days of wondering what is the right thing to do and how do I move forward with work.

Today, this morning, specifically, I just felt horrible, like I had messed things up, made things complicated, trying to appease everyone and make the situation work for the entire world and I realized that I don’t need to figure out anyone else’s needs.

Just my own.

41 fucking years old and I still am trying to figure out what other people need so that I can respond accordingly and appease all outside sources.


But I recognized it and for that I was grateful and though I spent more time than I would like ruminating on the situation, I finally left it alone and focused more and more on what was happening in my day and I reached out to a lot of people, made phone calls and asked others how they were doing.

Man, does that help.

Not focusing on me.

Because there is nothing to worry about and when I am anxious over things I can’t control I just ruin my day right away.

I practiced by being as happy in the moment as I could be.

I wore my headphones into work and listened to upbeat music and even sketched a little dance move on the last block to work.

I danced in my studio last night.

Not very hard.

Not with complete abandon.

But as if no one was watching and I was happy.

It felt so good to move a little, to sing, to listen to music and feel buoyed up by it.

I tried to keep that a recurring theme in my day.

Just move a little, laugh a little, love a little.

Or a lot.

It was my last Friday with my little guy who is heading off to pre-school.

We will have more days together, next week for sure, but this was our last solo day and I was so happy to have a day with just him and be sweet and snuggly and laugh with him.

His sense of humor just makes me roar out loud laughing.

One might think I am a little insane with it, but it does my heart good to laugh like that.

And I ran a few errands with him since I was in the Castro and picked up a couple of toiletries that I still needed to round out my supplies for the playa.

I went over my accounts, my check book, my inventory of what few things there are left to procure and made sure that the rent and the phone would be covered and I would still have something left for groceries through the week before I leave.

I need to pay the rent before I go and I also need to ask my landlord to water my plants.

I still wish I had been able to Air BnB my studio and offset my rent for the month, but oh well, I am just glad I have a place to come home to and a place to live in San Francisco.

And grateful I get to go out to Burning Man again.

It really is a great gift and I hope that I will bring my services to bear well there.

I also found out that my first playa bunny will be there pre-event for a few days with her folks and I get to have a Junebug reunion!  I am over the moon to hear that the family will be there and I can’t wait to see her, it’s been almost a year–last year’s Decompression Party in the Dogpatch, I believe.

Crazy that this will be my 6th year on playa as a nanny.

Six years.

And my 8th Burning Man.

I am a lucky girl.

I really am.

So, I don’t mind the crunch time coming, it’s all falling into place and my ducks are in a row.  The logistics of getting here to there and all the little self-care things I need to do for myself as I wind down to the final countdown of days, are in place.

The event focuses on radical self-reliance, which for me means focusing on radical self-care.

Many of my friends are going this year, but I won’t be having the same experience, nor will I have the ability to wander off into the playa and be a goofball with no conception of responsibility.

I have to be on my game to nanny.

That self-care that I do is brought into high focus out there.

I don’t stay out late.

I get up early.

I write.

I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner at pretty regular hours.

I shower as often as I can.

I nap as often as I can.

I eschew a lot of the experiences that folks go to the event to be a part of.

But that’s ok.

I am a quiet, small piece of how the event gets to be what the event gets to be for so many folks.

I am part of the support staff to the people who need to manage the people who put together the event.  It’s a really lovely thing for me to know, that I get to help, in my own quiet small way, by doing what I do as a nanny to that the organization can put on one of the most amazing events in the history of the United States and of my time.

It’s an honor.

One I prepare for with diligence.

One I am just about ready to go get it on.

It’s crunch time folks.

T-minus six days.


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