I Want To Go On A Date


Who’s in?

I’m not interested in using the dating websites out there, or Tinder, Hinge, or what ever else new app finder thing that doesn’t mean meeting face to face and actually seeing if there’s chemistry.

I briefly flirted with the idea of doing OkCupid this evening, then realized, why?

To get the same results that I have gotten for years using the site.

No thanks.

I shared with my person this evening when we met for tea outside Church Street Cafe about my trip down to San Diego, my insights, things that I saw, my perspective on my family, what I am grateful for, and how it really drown out any residual clamor in my brain about the no contact with my ex boyfriend, again.

Yes.

Because though neither of us saw the other we both got spun.

So.

I wrote about it and gradually all the stuff faded off and I made the trip down to San Diego, and well, I had other fish to fry and experiences to have and no real inclination to have anything to do with my ex again.

I also had some sound and sage advice from a girl friend while I was waiting to board at SFO, she called to wish me good luck on my journey and also to tell me that she had a rule–before she got married and had baby–to not have contact with an ex until she was dating someone else.

Bingo!

That is fucking brilliant.

And it made me want to go out and get my date on.

But I had to go down to Chula Vista and get my family situation on first.

Now that I am back.

I feel quite ready and even excited for dating.

I don’t know where it’s coming from.

I don’t know where it’s going.

And I don’t know how I am going to do it.

The methods I have tried before have not exactly panned out.

I mean.

I’m happy I tried them, now I know what doesn’t work.

But I don’t know what does.

Wanting and needing are two very different things as well.

I don’t need to do anything, I’m pretty happy.

The job, the school, the International Convention in Atlanta in July, the Burning of the dude in the desert, I have stuff on my plate, plenty to do and places to go.

I just feel it.

Perhaps it’s the full moon.

Perhaps it’s just that I feel god damn good and proud of my life, my recovery, my person, for consistently showing up, doing the uncomfortable, learning and leaning into my life.

I really like who I am and well, I want to share that with someone.

I want to have some fun.

So who has suggestions?

Eh?

You.

Yes you.

Every single person reading this.

How did you meet your partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, lover.

What did you do?

How did you do it?

I don’t think there’s a magic pill I take and poof!

But I suspect that in the reaching out of myself towards something, even if I cannot understand it, if I say I’m ready and wiling and able, to open myself up to that someone, well then, what do I do next?

How do I make this fun?

I suppose I should try new things that I find fun.

Try some day time dancing.

I hear that swing dancing happens in the park on Sundays.

Or a new hobby?

I’m not trying to figure it out.

But I am willing to take suggestions.

I’ll try going online again if that seems the route.

I’ll try asking out again.

Or I could try sitting still with it some more.

I’m available.

I’ll leave it at that.

Next.

Spend time with my friends.

That’s probably the best thing I can do, keep connecting with my friends.

I have dinner plans with a friend on Saturday.

I want to date doesn’t have to be a romantic thing, I remind myself, I can go on dates with friends too.

Granted a lot of my friends are over in the East Bay now, but there are still people here in the city that I can connect with, make plans with, go dance with.

This is a glorious city, I am a gallivanting adventure seeking human creature.

That’s what I get to do.

Try some new things, go some new places.

I haven’t been to the movies in a while, the outdoor ones, I used to have a commitment on Saturday nights and that really put a damper on movies in the park, since I gave it up and switched up my schedule, that could be something to do.

It’s not going to be waiting for someone to come along and show me the way forward.

I could check out the roller disco in the park too.

I could get a kite!

Oh.

It was certainly breezy enough out there on my way home from doing the deal.

I haven’t had a kite in sometime.

I could make a little trek down to the kite store on Grant in China Town.

Go fly my kite on the beach.

Or hell, I could order one online too.

I don’t want to get caught in the wasteland where I feel I need to be partnered up to do anything.

I don’t need to wait on anyone to have fun.

I keep forgetting this is a principle that I am supposed to be practicing–the whole having fun thing–as I get caught up trying to manage my schedule and work and getting to and from and the whole keeping it tight thing.

I have loosened up.

I swear.

I can go easy and slow down.

I can live in this moment.

I can dance with myself in my room to the pink glow of a sun jar (I picked up a solar light in a jar that glows pink and it’s pretty sweet) and be perfectly happy.

I want to want to not need to go on a date.

I am happy and content.

Although my disease tells me different.

There is no loneliness to lonely to bear.

When I love myself the way I do.

There is no one who needs to complete me.

I am already complete.

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