Thanks Wendell


I really needed to hear that.

I checked my phone this afternoon while I was on my lunch break and saw a voicemail from a number I did not recognize.

This happens more frequently than one may suspect, I give out my number fairly often to complete strangers.


Get your mind out of the gutter.

In my community there is a conscious effort to extend the hand so that another may receive the help that I was so freely given.

It was a 415 area code so I supposed it was indeed the fore mentioned.

But it was not.

It was Wendell.

From CIIS.

The school I will be attending in oh, eek, five days from now.

Oh jumping Jesus on a pogo stick.

This is really happening.

Wendell was calling to congratulate me personally on being awarded the Diversity in Leadership scholarship.

It was the sweetest message and he asked that I return the call, he would like to speak with me.

I felt griped momentarily by emotion, fear, trepidation, they’re going to change their minds, I haven’t won a thing, then I laughed out loud, made a cup of tea and returned the phone call.

It was one of the sweetest conversations I have had with a complete stranger ever.

He congratulated me.

He said he was really excited to meet me.

He continued to say that the department was looking forward to working with me and that he had heard wonderful things from Pauline Reif, the contact for the program, and the woman who approached me at the interview and said, you should apply for this scholarship, I think you may qualify for it.

Wendell finished by offering me any assistance I many need in getting acquainted with the program and that he would be attending the retreat for a day and looked forward to meeting me in person.

Why Wendell.

You made me feel like a celebrity.

You made me get excited instead and grateful and you reminded me what an honor it is to have won the scholarship, to have been offered a place on the cohort, to have been accepted into the program.

It came at a really opportune time for me too.

I asked off for another day today at work that was unexpected and I now have no more days of sick leave or vacation to take.

This will be a day without pay is what I am saying.

I have a student orientation, that was not listed on my student class calendar, on Tuesday the 25th of this month.

I did not want to ask for it off, it’s a full day of being at school.

I got a little pissy about it and I told myself, screw this, I’m not going.

Then I realized what an idiot I was being.

There’s a way to self-sabotage, Martines, not go in, not do the orientation, focus on your job, your job that you are probably going to have to supplement with another job, that’s another story in just a moment, out of what?


Fear that I would have one day of work that I wasn’t getting paid for.


I hate that I still experience financial insecurity at the drop of a hat.


I have solution and I went to it really quick.

I did a little inventory, saw the fear just staring me in the face, “I dare you, go on, don’t ask off for it, what’s more important?  This temporary job or your Master’s Degree in Psychology?”

Well duh.

The job.


Thanks for playing brain, but no.

That is actually not the correct answer.

The answer is, “fuck you fear.”

I’ll go to the damn orientation and I will get oriented, I will see where I need to go and who I need to talk to and I will meet my classmates and my teachers and the dean of students and I will get situated, so that when I do attend I will not be walking around in self-made terror because I don’t know what I am doing and decided to self-will myself into submission because I was afraid of missing one day of work.




This morning I bit the bullet, forwarded the e-mail from the school and notified my employers that I needed another day off.

Yesterday, though I suspected they knew (I’m on camera at work and I sobbed like a fool when I got the information that I had not indeed won a full ride to school, oops, my bad, I didn’t read the fine print, while I was at work on my lunch break) I informed my employers that my financial aid package was not what I had originally thought, I had misconstrued my awards package and I was going to have to work as close to full-time as possible.

The family isn’t going to need me full-time.

Although the mom did say pretty out right when we were in Sonoma that they would want me full-time whenever the boys were on vacation from school.

The school actually takes some pretty big chunks of vacation too, so that’s a big commitment.

I don’t want to have to find outside work, but that too is fear.

First of all, I don’t have to worry about it all quite so soon.

I’ll have full-time work for this month.

I did my spending plan for August and I will cut it close, but everything will be paid for and accounted for and when my loans go into deferment I will have a tiny bit of wiggle room, which will probably go directly toward rent.

My student aid will be disbursed September 25th.

Which means I will have October rent and my living expenses met for that month.

After I pay for my tuition and fees I will have $2700.

I can get by on $2850 per month and make it work.

I’ve got a budget for the next month of $2835 and expected income coming in, after taxes of $2880.

So, I will cover October.

That puts me into November and I and the family will know how much work they want or need from me.

I suspect that they could come up with more hours for me, if only to cook and market for them, but I’m not going to worry.

This is happening.

This is happening!

And the school can’t wait to meet me.

This is happening and as long as I show up for it.

I will be taken care of.

Half the battle is showing up.



Thanks for the call.

It meant a lot.

I’ll see you soon.

Like really soon.

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